dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Well I have exactly 10 days until I am done with my first semester of graduate school. I finished my hardest paper and now have two to go. One I'm supremely confident about. The other one not so much but that class has a lot more grades so I'm a lot less worried.

I got back in touch with Paul this semester and I think its made a world of difference. I'm less lonely and more grounded and just better. I wish I had more friends like him but some people are one in a million.

I'm having and insane amount of sex though. Insane. I hooked up with five people Wednesday. 4 men and a woman. I dont know what I'm doing besides embracing my slutty side. She's a wide one, Slut!Rachael. She likes to get banged. It helps her sleep. IDEK. SAFE SEX ALWAYS so dont worry about that but I'm really taking to the adage that women can fuck like men, you know? It's fun.

Anywho if I get through this semester with passing grades I'm getting a tattoo in honor of Dolores. I decided it ages ago and its a little heart she drew but I'm going to get it on my wrist with her hand writing possibly writing the words "we carry on." because in my life it all comes back to my chem doesnt it?

Most of all I missed all yall but I'm still reading. Sorry for the silence. I'll try to do better. Love you all.
dancinbutterfly: (Old Spice Look Again The Tickets Are Now)
Dear Yuletide Goat,

Thank you for writing me a thing! You are awesome. No, you rock. The holiday season is made glorious because of you. Shush, we both know its true. Now, I know I was pretty specific in my requests. Sorry about that. I babble. It's my way. Hopefully they were informative in a good way. I'm gonna repost them here and then after throw up some likes and dislikes that might help.

Requests )

Some things I like:
-Love stories. The actual falling in love part.
-Bad boys who find someone strong enough to face them head on on.
-ABO is awesome.
-Feel free to mpreg if you have a good idea.
-D/s is welcome either incidental or as a verse if you feel inclined.
-Drama. OMG I loves me some ~drama~.
-AUs because as I said, if you've got a good idea, run with it.
-Hot hot sex.
-Happy endings!!!!!

I really dislike it so PLEASE don't:
End things unhappily.
Misgender people.
Bring in scat or watersports.
Have non-con lead to love.
Write subs, Omegas, or mpregs as "weak".

Um, beyond that I'm easy. I'm just happy you're here!

Thank you,
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
XKCD wrecked me.

To quote the late great Robin Williams: Yes, but you have to mourn, to mourn. I always thought the Irish were right to do all that keening. Do you want to keen?


Jul. 31st, 2014 02:03 pm
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
So. Yesterday the field director knocked me from full time to part time student because I made the mistake of disclosing my disabilities to the School of Social Work. And I missed the Monumentour because of all that was involved in this mess. And the M&G. I'm going sit here and sob for awhile. Don't mind me.

How do I keep missing FOB you guys? How?

Also, did i mention I got knocked from full to part time. I just. Not enough weed or sleep in the world to make up for this.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So here I am again, at the Richard Walker Pancake House in SD, CA. Its my bandomversary. I got to see FOB this year thanks to a wonderful friend but it was lonely and hard. The music still gets me. The people are still there although not as many, and those who are distant I miss.Even so. That's something.
dancinbutterfly: (Spartacus - Doctore smells your bullshit)
SO! Idk if I told you guys this but I work for a little zine called Den of Geek, or I did once upon a dream. This year, I got automatically registered for press at San Diego Comic Con. Yay! Then I get an email from my boss - there are too many people going you cant go. Color me shattered. If you know me you know I live for SDCC and this year I'll have a full time job so I'll have the money to go without asking for help from my mom. It's a great thing. Except for the boss thing.

Press is not something I must have. I want to be clear on that. I went for four years as a regular guest and was FINE with that. I would've been FINE doing it again had I any idea my boss didnt want me going. But apparently he didnt and didnt tell me and I got approved anyway so the last 3 weeks I've been stressing and today I did the not-stupid thing and finally read the FAQs. Guess what?

Q: I was approved for a Comic-Con 2014 press badge but I am unable to attend. Can I transfer my press badge to another member of my outlet/company?
A: No. Press registration is a courtesy and your Comic-Con press badge is non-transferable. You may not transfer or sell your Comic-Con press badge.
- See more at: http://www.comic-con.org/cci/press-faq#sthash.E14YiDv7.dpuf

And I checked my registration? It's still there - as press. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU BOSSMAN. YOU CANT DO SHIT. Listen if he asks nice and gets back to me (he is terrible about getting back to me) I will be respectful and not be a correspondent but take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand, I don't care, I'm still free, you can't take SDCC from me.


In other news, I paid my deposit at Georgia State, got my PantherCard Student ID and now an official student \o/
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
The following came today:

Dear Rachael *****,

Congratulations! It is my pleasure to inform you that you have been admitted to the Master of Social Work program in the Andrew Young School of Policy Studies at Georgia State University for the Fall 2014.

Good lord its easier to believe that things will get better when you have a FUTURE to look forward too.

I'm going to be a social worker you guys. It's going to happen. I get to go back to school. To quote my fairy godmother, I figured out what I wanted, tried to go for it and just fucking did it.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
IDK if its birthday, meds, or life. I'm just having a rough time.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
My birthday is the 15th. No presents. No party. No friends. I'm turning 27. I have no life. I kinda want to crawl in a hole and join the 27 Club. At least they membership is cool.

This entry was originally posted at http://dancinbutterfly.dreamwidth.org/839663.html. Please comment wherever you wish.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
My birthday is the 15th. No presents. No party. No friends. I'm turning 27. I have no life. I kinda want to crawl in a hole and join the 27 Club. At least the other members are cool.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So. Things have been rough for Team Rachael - once again FSU made my life nearly ruined because of timing - joy. There was a lot of nearly collapsing in and I made nearly got withdrawn and a few days were spent with me working through tears but today I got it done. Social Work Grad School - You are applied for.

Not to mention - I may have lost my space at ComicCon not to mention my press access because they dont Have Enough Room and thought now would be a good time to tell me, a month away when I already bought a flight and made commitments to share a room. Awesome. I literally live for these five days. Literally. I mean there were days where I was like "I can hurt myself! I'd miss SDCC" and its kept me from serious ideation since i got sick. Not an option not to go.

Ah well. I did get a job. Still phone job, still for an adult line but I'm not doing chats, I'll be running customer service and dispatch and making (hopefully) more money.

But I kept getting kicked in the face and in tears but I kept being like "okay what to do next to get through this." and my friend Merjia said that I have a battle spirit to keep forcing myself back so fast after meeting defeat. I love the idea a lot. As in }I am mentally drafting a tattoo of the concept{ like that.

I've been watching Hockey, dreaming of being with Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy, and writing about teen wolf. My brain processes oddly.
dancinbutterfly: (AvengersBlack Widow is HBIC)
Looking for an awesome movie to go see? Want one written by a lady about strong women that passes the Bechdel test and is a fairytale without being a traditional m/f love story and features female relationships and magic and a male/female platonic friendship and beautiful scenery and empowers the ladies and their relationships with each other?

Then go see Maleficent. It was fantastic. It left me feeling good about being a woman and that is a precious gift from mainstream Hollywood.
dancinbutterfly: (Teen Wolf -)
Title: The Moon in Me
Author: [personal profile] dancinbutterfly/dancinbutterfly
Pairing(s): Derek/Stiles
Rating: NC-17
Length: 16,247 words
Warnings/Contains: Gender Issues, Genderqueer!Derek Hale, Bashing of a queer character, Human AU, Fictional Religion & Theology, Friends to Lovers, Dating, Respectful courting, Crossdressing, Male/Genderqueer character sex, Alive Hales, Alive Allison
Notes for my FListThis has been sitting on my HD, completed, for over six months. I had to get it off. It was making me crazy. Also [personal profile] knight_tracer is recording it and I wanted the text posted before the podfic hit the airwaves.
Summary: Derek's never had a word for the line his identity walks between male and female so he goes with the default cisgender term. Before his girlfriend queer bashed him, he was really comfortable with that nonconventional sense of self, embraced it, loved it. Now traumatized he's pulled away from the person inside and hid in the stereotype male facade except for in the most private of places with the closest of family. Stiles, home from school to take care of his dad, may be the first person in a decade Derek can be the real Derek with. It's dangerous because Stiles wants that Derek, he really does.

The Moon In Me on AO3
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So, I've been radio silent for a long time. Lots of thinking about my life and working on things and getting denied and denied and fired and denied and shut down makes you really think. The disillusionment with what it takes to teach, with what you have to do to be ALLOWED to stand in front of a classroom, if thats what I actually want I came to the realization that no. I don't want it bad enough, not the teaching part anyway.

The part of teaching I loved was less actually teaching than those golden moments between myself and students where I actually connected. Helping. I liked *helping*. Particularly counseling students, defusing fights, contacting the right people to get students in abusive situations or violent ones or emotionally difficult ones where they need to be.

I constantly found my hands tied by the rules and regulations because thats not a teacher's job.

That's a social worker's job.

The burn out in both professions is high. But after about 2 months of privately tearing my shit up with 2 trips to NY for teaching fellowships that went nowhere and realizing that my goals were different than the goals of the other candidates around me, I'm redirecting myself.

I'm, uh, applying to various schools for a Masters of Social Work instead. I found out late so there are only a couple still accepting applications but once again I find myself in the "they cant say yes if you dont try." I am trying. At least I can burn out doing what I actually like rather than forcing myself into the box of teacher because I want it to be a good fit. And I did. I did want it to fit. I just dont know that it ever will on a public school level.

I'm working on my statement of purpose now for both the schools I want that are here in easy driving distance. I have a lot to say but my god, organizing my thoughts is hard when its my PURPOSE I'm trying to talk about and not prisonverse Pete/Patrick or gangbang!verse Derek/Stiles.

Aergh. Six pages feels like too much and not enough space. I want to sleep, stay awake, eat, and throw up - all at once.

So no
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
From a middle school - fired.
From the phone sex company - fired.
From a high school I was busting my ass at(I believe because I disclosed that I needed a service dog) - quietly let go in that they cancelled my next day and took me off the schedule.

I just...I dont know.

I'm getting on disability. It is looking more and more like the only way.


Apr. 22nd, 2014 08:51 am
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
Thank you for your interest in DC Public Schools. Based upon the information you have submitted in your initial online application, our records indicate that you either do not meet the minimum licensure requirements for the Teacher position, or you are otherwise ineligible for hire.

*hysterical laughter* I dont qualify to teach in DC. Oh man so priceless. Im useless everywhere.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
If I dont love it that much I dont fucking care. I'm applying for teaching positions in Washington D.C. Aside from Aunt J being there, my cousin Megan, uncle Steve and his family are there too. Matt is there and Li and Jessica and several other of the friends I made in college are there. Ben from synagogue who I've known my whole life and Daryl and a few other people from shul are too. I'm also fairly sure there are a few of you LJers out there in the DC/Maryland/Virginia area too. There are actual people I know and could spend time with outside of my basement there. It's not NYC but its not the basement.

Praxis is the certification for about 30 states. D.C. is one of them and the only one where people I love are concentrated. So why not? Seriously. I'm applying here in Atlanta. Why not while I'm filling out the paperwork?

I am done crying over a job thats not my dream but I still like it and I can still use it.
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
Dear Rachael,

We appreciate your interest in the New Visions for Public Schools - Hunter College Urban Teacher Residency (UTR) and thank you for attending the interview event.

The admissions process for UTR is extremely competitive and we received a large number of applications for a limited number of spaces in this year's cohort. We are sorry to inform you that you will not be considered for the 2014-2015 Residency. It is our policy that the program does not provide feedback on any parts of the application and interview process.

We wish you the best in your future endeavors.


The New Visions for Public Schools - Hunter College Teacher Residency Team

Jesus. I'm better off sticking to the writing if I'm going to be getting this kind of rejection from SCHOOLS. I swear its like, if I'm going to face pain and rejection and dismissal and loss of money, fuck it, I'll focus on my words. Teaching was supposed to be the back-up job. Fun fact America, this is why you have a fucking teacher crisis, because you won't hire people unless they meet 100000 points. No one meets them. Then you pay them shit.

I'm serious. I might as well just keep writing this murder story. At least I love that. Substituting is burning out for me more and more as each day passes. I got fired for falling off a curb, face planting on the asphalt - all after hours after the students supposedly had left - and accidentally cursed somewhere between falling and hurting myself that I dont actually remember. That was enough for me to be kicked out halfway through the next day. I'm tired of crying over a job I don't love. The only real money I'm making at the moment is working as a freaking phone sex operator anyway. At least sometimes I get off on that.

Anyway. Looks like I'm settled in for the long haul here in Atlanta. Please god, please, send me a sign that I did the right thing and that I'm following the universal plan. Because I am in the forest and all I can see at the moment are muggy Georgia trees.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
Laptop fell in water. Hunter interview on Friday. I can't stop crying.
dancinbutterfly: (Spartacus - Doctore smells your bullshit)
So my service dog moved in yesterday. Absolutely no one in my family was happy for me even though Director Nick Fury aka Nick is adorable smart a cuddle slut trainable and a real responsibility. So far the reaction has been that "You cant take care of yourself. How can you take care of a dog?" Um, why is it that no one asks that of me with 100s of students a day as a sub but not a dog? Also the nature of my personality due to my illness and being an adult child of alcoholism is to take care of other living beings. Not to mention that HUGE part of his service is life control, unconditional love that I lacked, and helping me get regulated and back on a rerouton like a healthy person again. Everyone is like >:| about it except my stepdad. He told me he was proud of me, that I made my own choice and followed through and am now going to bbe responsible. He likes Nick and shows him affection(mom looks at him like I chose to get a NYC rat as a pet) and was just great. Ugh. Crying now. Anyway. Nick Fury is work but his favorite place is my bed touching some part of my body and he spins in excite!circles whenever I walk in the room.

So just...fuck my mom and my sister. The Director and I will learn together. It will work and he already gives me joy. So fuck it right?

The trainer is my safety net, thanks very much. Part of our set up is that she will take him back if needed(which we both doubt). Also if I get bad again the trainer and I have Crisis Plans in place but hey, everyone one's faith in me, its fucking heartening.

I have never be doubted so intensely and verbally in my life.


dancinbutterfly: (Default)

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