dancinbutterfly: (Spartacus - Doctore smells your bullshit)
So my service dog moved in yesterday. Absolutely no one in my family was happy for me even though Director Nick Fury aka Nick is adorable smart a cuddle slut trainable and a real responsibility. So far the reaction has been that "You cant take care of yourself. How can you take care of a dog?" Um, why is it that no one asks that of me with 100s of students a day as a sub but not a dog? Also the nature of my personality due to my illness and being an adult child of alcoholism is to take care of other living beings. Not to mention that HUGE part of his service is life control, unconditional love that I lacked, and helping me get regulated and back on a rerouton like a healthy person again. Everyone is like >:| about it except my stepdad. He told me he was proud of me, that I made my own choice and followed through and am now going to bbe responsible. He likes Nick and shows him affection(mom looks at him like I chose to get a NYC rat as a pet) and was just great. Ugh. Crying now. Anyway. Nick Fury is work but his favorite place is my bed touching some part of my body and he spins in excite!circles whenever I walk in the room.

So just...fuck my mom and my sister. The Director and I will learn together. It will work and he already gives me joy. So fuck it right?

The trainer is my safety net, thanks very much. Part of our set up is that she will take him back if needed(which we both doubt). Also if I get bad again the trainer and I have Crisis Plans in place but hey, everyone one's faith in me, its fucking heartening.

I have never be doubted so intensely and verbally in my life.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
I promised a personal update so here it is. The last post Yuletide was full of frustration and despair. It was hard earned, damnit but a lot happened very fast after that that turned the tide. Most importantly, while scrolling for work I found a long term(two week) position at a middle school teaching science. I knew nothing about what it would me, less about what I was getting myself into and even less about what the actual subject would be - forensic science(FOR FRIGGIN MIDDLE SCHOOLERS - so in appropriate). However what would've been 2 weeks actually turned into 2 months. I was in the same classroom every day, getting to know these kids and more this school and ugh, I fell in love in that tentative way you do when there is an end date on a relationship. It actually reminded me a little of Paul - the way we fell hard and fast but knew it couldn't last. After all they were hiring someone for my position.

I made a difference here, a visible one too - I had two students who were getting written up regularly stop for the entire length of my time with them and an English as a Second Language student start reading on his own initiative thanks to my work. I got hugs and drawings and waterbottles designed with art.

I get along well with the staff who wanted my resume and to know when I tested for middle grades. That was all great but winter holidays fast approached and I was stressed. Luckily I had a break where I got to go see my Aunt J which was just what I needed. She is the awesomest of awesome with the most amazing guestroom in the most amazing corner of DC and we had food worth literally dying over. I have pictures. I cant upload them now but they were ridiculous. Unfortunately I had to come back and face the fact that the last day of classes was my last day as a long term. At least I was invited to be a standing sub at the school.

However, I came back today to find that no, I'm not a standing floater sub. I am not bouncing from room to room. I am in an empty classroom all my own standing in as a long-term sub again and this time I'm doing so for a Language Arts connections teacher. Connections is basically an elective and I have no idea how long she'll be gone but as it stands right now I basically have 6 classes of less than 20 students who are remedial at English - basically not good at the subject. So it is my job to just...immerse them in English reading and writing to try and bring them up to speed, with exposure basically.

Yeah. I may actually cry. Today we went through their favorite book, lists of topics they wanted to discuss, and I had them write me a story. "About anything?" "Yes anything" "Can it be a true story?" "Yes." "Can we make something up?" "Yes." "Can it be what happened over break?" "Yes." "Can it be about unicorns?" "Yes." Ugh it was great. They dont know what to do with that kind of creative freedom. Its like...alien to them. Well, get ready to have your fuzzy little brains blown kids because in Ms Rachael's class we're going to squeeze the creativity out of you whether you want it or not and you will write. You will write every frigging day so help you. You will do prompted writes and you will do free writes and then you will read and you may hate it but you will do it all and I will make you love it even if you hate it.

Also - this is a pretty big deal as far as I'm aware. To get two longterm positions back to back at the same school is fairly significant. I test for English certification for middle grades Monday.

The less great things have been the living situation. Mom is infantalizing me a little and its starting to get to me. However being back at work is helping that. Worst of all, my sister Hillary was in town. From New York City. Where she lives. She felt the need to tell us all about her life in the place I want to live like air. The jealousy was a tactile tangible thing and it hurt actually physically to be in the same space with her. Worse, we got in a fight so bad that she took the gift I got her - a tablet, yeah you read that right - and threw it back at me after having it for a week and said "fine take it back then." then she stomped out before stomping back in with the box for the tablet which she threw at me and it hit me in the shoulder. She left with said tablet and didnt apologize.

So I guess you can't win them all? I'm throwing up one of those subject a day memes later because I want to get back in the habit of posting. Please please think of something to have me talk about! I need to get back in the groove because Tumblr is a horribly lonely place. I have 320 followers but no one fucking says anything! Its miserable. I like it better here.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
I'm home in Atlanta. Thank fuck. Lord willing and the crick don' rise, I will never have to back to Florida(please please please G-d). The funeral was...I gave the eulogy. When I wasnt giving the eulogy, I was livetweeting the funeral. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. If you're curious, search for #livefromthefuneral because oh my god it was just - ugh. No. Just no. The parts of me that are involved in grieving were not engaged.

Also my mom and sister kept telling me how I should behave. What the actual fuck. I'm one of the primary mourners. So you cry hysterically. Thats okay but my hysterical laughter isnt? It's releasing the exact fucking emotion, mine just feels better. I was, by the way, hysterically laughing in the limo - I kept finding Archer references to things [i.e. the trip to the cemetery was "so boring and forever taking"] and discussion of how much we(my mother and I) dislike the Boca Raton area. The conversation went as follows:

Mom: Welcome to Tamarac formerly-
Me: -known as the everglades. Ugh.
Mom: Well, you know, some people like it? I guess? That's a nice drainage ditch over there...
Me: If I had to choose would rather die in Somalia by a gunshot wound to the head from a warlord and be buried there than die and be buried here in south Florida.
Mom: Nope. No Rachael, I'd rather be here with my ex-husband AND my ex in-laws than in Somalia with a warlord.
*cue hysterical laughter on my part because oh my god you guys, you dont understand how much she dislikes my dad now and how badly his parents treated her - you really dont*
Me: No I think you missed part of it. I said I'd rather die there than die in south Florida. And I definitely would rather be buried there than here. I've got no active desire to go to Somalia at the moment.
Mom: Oh well. *shrug* Okay then.
Me: Well I've got nothing against Somalia itself, unlike this place, and it's got a lower chance of sinking into the ocean like Atlantis when the glaciers melt and also I've heard its fairly mineral rich. Also, it's not south Florida.
Mom: No it is not.
Me:Point of this is - don't bury me down here.
Mom: Don't bury me down here either.

Other death and dad related things - did you know my mom went to a lawyer and got it in writing that if all 4 of us were to die all at once, she was NOT to be buried next to my dad? She got in the same writing that I was to be buried the FARTHEST from him? She got both of these things written and set up because, she said, she didn't want her and I to be next to him so he could torture us for eternity but my sister can handle him which is why she'd go between him and my mom. OH THE THINGS YOU LEARN.

Burying my grandmother was kind of strange too, although I'm glad she wasn't cremated. It's not the Jewish way for one but for another, it means she gets to be next to Papa forever. That's how it should be. The burial itself though... everyone was just - again this is just not where my heart is for grief. I live on gallows humor so someone - my aunt I think - noticed that the coffin had a tag or something on it. The 3 of them(mom, aunt, d-bag uncle) started to get upset and I go "Grammy worked in retail her whole life. She'd love that it has a tag." so they dont freak out but also because I think its funny and I think its true. Like I said, that's not where my heart lives.

My heart lives in the fact that I'm doing the walk back to the car - which in Jewish tradition has a GAUNTLET OF CONDOLENCES - and this man who was in my mom/uncle/aunts youth takes my hand and goes "I'm so sorry for your loss. You gave a lovely speech. I'm ______. I went to high school with your dad. I mean your uncle." Yeah, I got into the limo to lose my shit over that because all of my family is broken but of all of our shattered and missing pieces - my father is the only piece out of my family because he treated me so badly for so long. I have never met any of his friends from high school. I couldn't call him when she died. I can't call him on father's day because it'll open the door for me to get hurt more. I hurt over him at Grammy's funeral which, to quote Hyperbole and a Half - no....she wanted the opposite of this. Like I said - woman had no saliva and spit on him in her last days and told me not to listen to or care for him. Yet there I was, crying over him being missing at HER funeral. Argh. Frustrating.

I also find myself mourning harder for Dolores every time I think of Grammy. They knew each other. They liked each other a lot. Dolores should've fucking outlived Grammy. How did she NOT outlive Grammy? When grief hits me over my grandmother, it kicks the Dolores grief back on because the "dying peacefully in her sleep with her daughter and granddaughter with her in her sleep at 82" death makes sense and is something I can cope with but "dead by her own hand at 24 leaving behind a daughter with no mother" is fucking insane and I can't deal with it. I get thrown there every damn time too. So there's THAT to deal with.

Anyway. So. She left me all her movie den and movie stuff yes? I mentioned that. Well I really lost it when I walked into the movie den and saw this room that was basically Grammy in a nutshell. I had to call for my mom because I lost it so hard. Things like that are where I cry - not funerals.

My goodbye was not the funeral. My goodbye was much earlier. We found her passport in a lockbox with her money and important papers etc so we could pay bills and such. My mom, my sister and my cousin Caty(who is a nurse and who was caring for her too) are looking through the things and I asked "Can I have her passport? I'm going to go put it under her pillow. I mean, you know, last trip." because those of you who have been around me for awhile know that I have a strong wanderlust. Theres nothing like getting a new stamp in those pages. You're somewhere else, somewhere new, you've moved and have the passport to prove that you have and more importantly - that you CAN get up and go. I wanted her to have that with her - sort of like coins on the eyes for the ferryman almost. Putting that under her pillow and saying goodbye like that was it for me. I went into the bathroom(because zero space or privacy) with my ipod and phone and just cried in the semi-dark for awhile.

I got a lot of her clothes though. Most of them werent really things I want - she was 80! most of the retro stuff was given to her kids when she moved back in '03. But I got a lot of her skirts for work when work returns and I got the sequened tops I used to play dress-up in with my sister and cousins when I was a very little girl. They fit in a sexy way now, which is hilarious but I have them and I have her movies. Her fandom. Okay, I've started crying but you guys, oh god, it was five DVD racks, plus the four shelves on 2 tv stands of DVDs. God, there were also books and a hefty John Wayne keychain.

The last day she was REALLY coherent - not the last day she was alive but the last day she still had SPARK - we watched Blood Alley with John Wayne and then she fell asleep before the end. After that she didnt wake up long enough to finish it. I have it in my bag. I keep trying to figure out when is the right time to watch it because I have to know how it ends you know? I have to. Point is, I packed her fandom up and I'm taking it into my home and adding it to my own fandom.

My family - they dont really get it. My mom tries but she doesnt have anything she's fannish about(Game of Thrones a little but not like this) - they didn't get it. They knew she loved it, they knew it was her passion but I dont think they got it, the way it infiltrates your life, the way it holds you up and keeps you breathing. Her family was with her, and so was the Duke and her musicals and I just- I can't deal with how huge a deal that was. It makes me both love fandom more and more scared of it. She & I started loving these things we love at about the same age - 12/13 - and she was still loving them fiercely when she died. It's huge and it makes me ache so much.

In the interim between that and me getting home - there were isolation issues because my mom and sister were Busy Being Mourners, and I was at a hotel, and I was out watching hockey and drinking when my family was at the Douchebag Uncle's because I'm not welcome there. That's what happens when you point out that someone's grandiosity is nearly delusional, they're overbearing, and that they're disingenuous(not in so many words but thats basically what happened at The Worst Thanksgiving Ever). So D-bag Uncle was running the show and I was not part of the cast or crew. Right after I left the D-bag Uncle apparently went BATSHIT CRAZY(no seriously, my aunt/his sister got scared of him and LEFT) and that story will come later.

Now I'm home and able to see where things are fraying. I'm dissociated for long stretches. I'm compulsive eating again. The biggest thing? I'm having A(ctivites of)D(aily)L(iving) issues. I'm having problems getting out of bed for a start which isn't a surprise. Thats standard with grief/depression. No, what's freaking me out is that I'm having shower/bath issues. I dont know why but it takes a lot to actually make myself get in the fucking shower or bath. It's a hygiene issue that is BIG and is one of the MANY reasons why I'm still in treatment and on so many meds. Basically I'm listening to the Black Parade for comfort(and Cancer on repeat when I need a good cry because jesus fuck MCR. You don't hit any less hard with time. God I love all of you so much. So fucking much) and Save Rock&Roll, reading a lot of fic and poking everyone I know online for company. It's all I've got.

There'll be another post soon I imagine. Dolores' birthday is in 3 days. My birthday is in 6 days. On that day I lose my health insurance. Woo. I imagine I'll have some some sort of post by then. Maybe I'll figure out something to do? I dont know. Even my online friends are busy on Sat the 15th. Father's Day's the 16th dont you know. So. Yeah.

Plus side, I get to go back to regular therapy now that I'm home. Thank fuck.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
Today my mom called to get me the car because a friend of a friend I've been trying to meet for the 9 days I've been in S. Florida was supposed to come here so I could have someone to hang out with for a few hours. "Be so glad you're not with the family." My mother said. "Your uncle is fucking crazy. Your sister will tell you one day. It's a stress ball." Needless to say when the Friend of A Friend had to cancel(shocker) I called her to try and make contact and she was like "Well you could come here but we're not really talking about her things or touching her stuff sooooo maybe you should stay there and chill out. No, go ahead and eat on your own. Trust me you dont want to be in this mess. You can come with when we go pick up your step-dad" *click* Okay. Um. Okay.

So needless to say I spent the day alone. Then we got my stepdad and we were going to get dinner but everything was closed so...I got a drink, watched the Penguins lose in a HUMILIATING 6-1 and went home - also alone.

I know you guys are out there. I do feel your love and your presence. My fairy godmother(Have I mentioned that I have a Fairy Godmother? I do. She's the best. She gives me hope.) got in touch with me again which helped loads. It's just - things are so fucked. You're all out there but you're too ephemeral and I need a more solid presence which I'm just not getting. Note all the, um, aloneness?

*drags hand over face* To add insult to all this injury, guess who had to plunge a dirty toilet in her own hotel room because there was no one to do it? Did you guess me? If you did you were right. Listen I didn't want to be here in the first place. I was fucking banished here like a treasonous prince but I understand that there are many people on earth in far worse states of being. However, payments were made for me to be here. That payment was for a room with clean sleeping quarters and working facilities. Expecting someone to fix them if they break is not unreasonable if I am in a room I paid for. This expectation is especially true as we live in a capitalist society where I'm going to lose my fucking healthcare in 11 days when I turn 26 as the WORST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER IMAGINED and the name of the game exchange of cash for goods and services. Cash was exchanged at this establishments so I am not out of line to I expect someone else to come and do this LITERAL shit job of a service for me when money was given.

But no. Things just keep being fuckawful. Tomorrow's the funeral then shiva. I imagine that will be fuckawful too.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
My grandmother is dead. She died at about 11 right around the time the Fall Out Boy show would've been closing which actually is a good thing as it will make getting a tattoo for her easier. I'll be able to use a lyric if I want. And hey! My mom called me by 12:30 and came and picked me up from the bar where I'd be watching the Blackhawks/Kings game and drinking Cookies&Creme martinis and listening to Fall Out Boy(and thinking about how my Fairy Godmother came through again and I'd get to go in September at least :D) so she only waited like...an hour and 3 drinks to tell me.

But hey! It got my sister to initiate an ACTUAL PHYSICAL LITERAL HUG WITH ME! No, you guys dont understand. This is like that episode of the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon hugged Penny. That my sister initiated affectionate contact is a big deal. Refreshing too.

Then we stood around with her body for awhile because...I have no fucking idea. She looked like one of those ice mummys, as I've said. Dead bodies that are fresh basically look like dead bodies that are 5000 years old. Hope it helped my family. I'm still too emotionally fucked up from yesterday to be more than just like "okay and?" because guys. She's been dying since we got here a week ago.

I had my moments. You read most of them. They were hurtful and ugly as sin. Enough. My grammie was not that person. My real goodbye was something else and I'll talk about it later, probably after the funeral which will be, I dont know, Tuesday or Wednesday? Who fucking knows. I would like to note that yet again I have no idea whats going on. I'm alone but for once I'm kinda fucking relieved. I was too drunk to deal with their emotions tonight when I'm mostly just annoyed.

Anyway, she's dead. As someone said "They kicked you out and then she died." Yep. Looks that way I guess.

I dont know. Maybe I needed to leave for her to die? I dont know why it would make a difference that I wasnt there but my sister and mother were but I was the last person to leave and not come back of the people before she left so, as another internet person pointed out "Maybe you had to leave so she could leave too."

I dont know.

However I would like for you to take not that I used my Gone with the Wind icon in honor of Marilyn Esrig because I watched it for the first time with her at age 8 in her house in Birmingham Alabama. I remember that I got to stay up to the outrageously late time of after midnight to watch the whole thing with my cousin Michelle(the uncle's daughter) and that while she fell asleep half way through it, I pitched the most epic of all hissyfits when Rhett walked out the door declaring FRANKLY MY DEAR I DONT GIVE A DAMN and then DIDNT COME BACK! I was hooked way before that - on John Wayne with Hatari when I was too young to talk because OMG ELEPHANTS! ZEBRAS! MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH FOREIGN TRIBES ON TV WHERE THEY WERENT BELITTLED OR TREATED AS LESS THAN FOR BEING DIFFERENT THAN WHITE PEOPLE!, on Charleton Heston, Jimmy Stewart and Betty Hutton with the Greatest Show On Earth, on all things musical with The King and I and Fiddler on the Roof, on Katherine Hepburn with the African Queen - but I grew up in the buckle of the bible belt and once I saw Gone with the Wind, it was all over for me. I was in the movie hole with her and she knew it.

So I get it all, damnit. The movie den is mine. Every DVD. Every VHS. Every book. Every picture. Every poster. Every puzzle that is a scene from a film. It's all mine because when I look at the last half of my life and see fandom, I can trace it back to Grammie and know that its not just who I am, its who she is too.

Ten bucks says Uncle Douchebag tries to fight me on it. Bring it. Because now that she is gone I am ready to make the insipid motivational video intro video he made the biggest joke on the internet. I trust you guys will help me spread it to reddit, tumblr, twitter etc should the need arise.

So any road, may she rest in peace but that one step down right? Now we've just got the funeral. Then shiva. Then who the fuck knows. Packing maybe?

I am so fucked up you guys. Not necessarily about her dying. Just, you know. In general.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So. I woke up yesterday to my mother standing beside my bed asking if I was going to still go hang out with my aunt and if so I needed to get up now. Then she said "Also, you're going to stay with your uncle[whom some of you may remember from The Worst Thanksgiving Of All Time] or in a hotel. Decide."

I blinked at her. "Uh. Yeah I'm still going."

"And where are you staying? I need to know so I can start making arrangements while you pack so you'll be ready when you get back from your movie with Aunt Bonnie."

"Um, my uncle's?" Because you see he is a tremendous douchebag but he's still my family.

So she texts him. I check on the status and she says "He didnt get back to me." Texts twice. Then after an hour of my shoving everything I brought with me into my bags, news comes down - absolutely not, I cannot stay there. Nevermind that my Aunt is staying there. Nevermind that my cousins stayed there. Nevermind that my sister has stayed there. I, Rachael, am not allowed to stay there. So I go to a movie with Aunt Bonnie - Now You See Me (aka if TSN If Mark Were Into Magic Instead of Coding and ) - and come back, my mom has narrowed it down to 2 hotels. Best Western and LaQuinta. She books the first one LaQuinta and we get there and no, that one is a reservation but its too expensive - by ten bucks a night. So she moves me down the highway by 2 miles.

The whole time we're driving my mother's talking about how I'll be so relieved once I get there. I'll have my own space. I wont have to fight with anyone. There will be more space for anyone. I'll have more independence. Plus I can stay up as late as I want and I wont have to whisper into the phone at night. Won't that be great?

Forgetting the part that she couched being "sent" to a hotel as a threat the entire time I was here, and starting before I even left Atlanta. Her declaration and follow up punishment was penalty for my behavior - that behavior being me, existing on earth as Rachael who EVERYONE seems to find a problem. It was horrible to be banished by yet another family member. I'm at four now btw - father, sister, uncle, and now mother.

However, that isn't the biggest issue. Most of the people reading my journal have an idea of my trauma. They're aware of the fact that I have a severe mental illness and that I have PTSD that is linked to extreme traumatic transience. The reality of the situation yesterday was that my mom rousted me from my sleep with the message of "grab your shit and go." In case I'm not clear:

~She woke me up with an enactment of my worst nightmare. She told a PTSD victim who's illness is based in sudden moves in turbulent times to pack her things up, pick a place and go with no timeline on return. She even talked about how this was better than *living like we did during the hurricane* which is my PTSD point of origin.~

As I told my mom, triggers arent like spiders.They arent gone once you step on them. They're more like huge rocks you drop on a calm lake. It can take anywhere from hours to weeks for the waves the refreshed trauma to still again.

Then she came in and flopped on the bed like she wanted to stay and hang out all "ah isnt this room great? I didnt scream at her or call her a piece of shit or a hateful cuntface or any of the things I wanted to do like, scream at her or slap her across the face. I'm still angry. I can function calmly and rationally but oh god I am so angry.

So thats the state of my union. I'm currently staying in a very comfortable but empty hotel room. Waiting for my grandmother's body to catch up with her spirit and let loose this mortal coil. Alone. Because I was a bad girl. Not a woman 13 days away from her 26th birthday who chose to do it that way - but because I was a bad girl and I needed to be punished and since I lack a car, money, or any agency over my own life - I was put in a higher class version of the corner. For my friends in Hockey fandom - it's a bit like Two Minutes For Being Matt Cooke - only in this instance its Banished From Most Family Moments For Being Rachael.

Fall Out Boy is probably just getting rolling right now and I'm at a sports bar watching hockey. Say it with me class! Alone.

Honestly the only things that are stopping me from giving into this feeling: having to explain it to her as a my therapist[omg such a hassle], knowing I'd have to clean up after whatever bad choice I made because I hate cleaning, refusal to do anything that could risk me not being in perfect condition for ComicCon in July and TV: I need to see if Lucrezia and Cesare get their shit together on Borgias, Teen Wolf is returning and one day I'll get to watch that, and in the fall there will be Agents of SHEILD, American Horror Story, and Archer.

Wow. I have a sad empty lonely fucking life. Look at that. The reasons I have not to give into this despair are TV, dislike of cleaning, dislike of explaining my misbehavior to authority figures and ComicCon. Just when I thought I couldn't feel more alone.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
I got a lovely comment today checking on me to see how I am. At which point I realized I havent given you a status update.

How I am is fucking horrific and what's up is that my grandmother is dying. Not she's got cancer and is dying. Not oh now she's at stage 4 and is dying.

No, we're at hospice comes every day, we change her and try to help keep her lips and mouth dry, hold her hand, and literally hoping for her to die because she's ready to go and we're ready for her to go but we come from sturdy stock that will never quit and is going to keep going until ever wears out.

I flew in on Saturday night and she was awake enough to talk. Sunday was a decent day and we got to talk/see her and my cousins were there too. Monday we had last-words sort of things where I was told 1)that its so good that I have substitute teaching, a REAL job, because she was worried about me with trying to make a living "with the writing" 2) that I look so great and if I could just lose 10lbs I would be perfect 3)that she is terrified for me that I should end up 700lbs and have to get carted out of my house 4)that I am not to help my father even if he's dying in the street[the woman had no saliva but spit at my father with one of her dying acts] because he isnt worth the ground he walks on and I'm not to talk to him let alone take care of him when he's old and that 5)I'm too smart, so much smarter than most people and people hate that 6)so I have to act average and only show my smarts later so I can get by in the world.

That did make me feel like GUTTING myself or any anything. Not like she hit on all of the things that I hurt me the most. Not like my weight and my complete lack of faith in my ability to pursue writing and my conflicted father issues and feeling like a fucking freak ALL the time because I know more than most people in a given room. As if I didnt know I have to act average in order to interact with the world - as if the last week of failing miserably at: impulse control, modesty, having an instinct on when a conversation is over, keeping my mouth shut, making small talk, being a general disaster hasnt been evidenced enough.

If I werent aware before my grandmothers last coherent words, my sister and mother have both made it DAMN fucking clear how badly i'm doing here how wrong I am to be here, how everything I do is a mistake, how I'm in the way, not part of this, shouldnt be here. Granted the rest of my cousins came. They all were here and had their time (or if they didnt got talked about for not). I'm here because she was my favorite. I'm here because fuck all of them I was her favorite.

The thing about this is - I was SPECIFICALLY TOLD that I would be getting no emotional support from my mom when I came down here. Fine. I dont need it, I said. [personal profile] knight_tracer stocked me up with podfics that have been really amazing - so good for my nerves and my soul. She's a sweetie that way. I have my therapist(true, I had a session on monday) and theres a couple other people who have tried but foolishly I thought that my internet friends would be more of a support than than they are.

God, I am so STUPID. People WARNED ME. They WARNED me for a DECADE that the friends you meet online arent your friends until you get to know them in real life(I'm looking at you Hardwire Harlots)but I didnt listen. I thought that they were even if you never saw their faces or heard their voices. I thought that after fifteen years online I'd made REAL connections you know?

Only the longer this drags on - and oh god it drags and drags - I'm finding thats not true. I'm just alone. The names I reach out to are empty. How stupid can I possibly be?

So now, not only am I under a barrage of constant verbal attacks from my sister that have me scrambling to change everything I can about myself in a desperate bid not to get attacked again. Please, god please, just let me have gotten it right this time. I just want to fix it so I stop getting attacked. Thats all. I want to just breathe. I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry.

Then I'm surrounded by sadness and tension to tight you could turn it into a cord and garrot someone with it and am realizing that I'm alone. I am all alone. I mean, intellectually, I knew that I was alone? I had just sort of deluded myself into thinking that these words on a screen were attached to people who cared on the other side.

However, as much as the sexual assault made me realize how kind and supportive everyone on here is, this current has made me realize how deeply alone I am. It's pointless to try and get with the people I consider my closest friends. They're in other corners of the earth. If they're not they busy with their husbands/wives/children, they have prearranged activities or better friends and plans they made before I ever entered the picture. This isnt a new thing. I've never been first for anyone and I dont know why that would change now. I've pretty much never been anyone's best friend(i've had lots of people as MY best friend but I was never THEIRS) and thats most keenly noticed since Kaci and I's friendship disintergrated. I have people who try now, here on LJ and on Twitter too but...I dont have anyone I feel like I can turn to and say "Help me." Not with this. Not with the request of being with me when things are hard and I cant be funny or clever or entertaining. I don't have friends for a reason I figure. Being with me isnt something most people want. Most of the time of I force myself to be okay with it.

After a week watching a woman I love die by centimeters, I'm not strong enough to pretend it's not one of the main reasons I'm up typing and crying at 3:55am.

Oh. Wait. In a final bit of hilarious fate: I DONT GET TO SEE FALL OUT BOY TOMORROW! I've only been waiting for 5 years for this and now, boom, chance gone. Isn't that silly? My grandma is dying but I'm still let down. Plus, the part of me that gets paid less than 20K a year is angry about $50 down the drain. I was going to get a tour hoodie. I was going to finally have seen all the bandom bands and know that I'd survived to see them all play - Panic, MCR and FOB.

I waited for years for them to come back and they did, just in time for my world to fall apart again. I'm pretty sure the arena show inAtlanta is already sold out so, you know maybe in another 5 years when I'm 30 I'll get to see them. I really hope I'll be alive then. I dont mean that in a self-destructive way its just...with the way things keep going I dont hope for much anymore you know? The tenth person in my graduating class of 250 died this week so I'm just saying. I used to wish for things like a family - someone to love, kids, friends, a career I liked, living somewhere I didnt hate. Now, the way things are going, getting to live to see 30 and maybe Fall Out Boy with like...one friend who is really there for me? Thats the new dream.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
If you don't want the truth.

A coworker - a full time teacher who I actually eat lunch with a few times a week - asked me that question today. Out came the real answer.

Today is the year anniversary of my foster sister Dolores killing herself. I have no voice and a raging chest cold. Yesterday my mother and I officially decided the ticket date for me to fly down to south Florida to be with my family for my dying grandmother - June 3rd, the day after the Fall Out Boy concert. There is no return date because she isnt getting better. Oh, and on Friday, I was sexually assaulted.

All of that came out. I just blurted it out all over the table in the cafeteria of a high school. She was furious on my behalf. There was talk of testicles in a jar but no flinching.

"I'm at the stage where I wonder if people can see it on my face," I told her. "I feel like people can see what happened. But if they can't, I want to scream at them so that they do know."

She just shook her head, sighed and said "Sadly that's the way of the world. Have you got a support system?" We're not close by any stretch but that response gives me hope for humanity in general in the face of David the Manager's abhorrent behavior the night of.

It's just...its so much. I hurt so much right now. Physically, this is a bad cold. Emotionally, my head is all messed up and oh god I am grieving so hard for DeeDee this week. For people who are newish, click the tag so you can see what happened. I'm hurting and angry and still so raw. I'm mad all the assault and news of my grandmothers decline had to happen at all - but if they did, couldn't they have waited until a different week? DeeDee already had a reservation on my emotions this week.

Hilariously? All I want is to go out and get fucked. How messed up and twisted is that?
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
- I can has a job! I'm officially a substitute teachers. Mostly I tell 11-13 olds to be quiet, sit down, dont touch that, no you may not go to the bathroom, no i dont care what your teacher normally does because this is what we're doing today, no you may not work in groups, and if you're going to talk to me you can look me in the eye because thats what civilized people do when they have a verbal discourse. Then I get to move them to different seats around the room, write their names down, send them to different teachers or call an administrator to come "deal with them."

However, there are shining moments when I get to teach, though its not always related to the subject matter. I got to stop a a kid in a social studies class who told someone they were worthless and should kill themselves and tell them and the rest of the class why they should never, EVER, talk like that using my life and my loss as an example. In a math class, after overhearing a small argument, I broke it up then I explained why calling a guy a "girl" to insult him along with any other feminine based insult is actually degrading to women and lowering both them as men and as human beings and showing the girls that yes, this is a bigger problem than it looks like. That same class I also explained what a parallelogram is and how its different from a rhombus to a problem case who was giving me tzurus ten minutes before but is sitting with me at the desk taking rapt notes now because I have answers in a different way of describing it than his math teacher did.

And sometimes, like today, you have a horrible day where the kids curse and storm out and cuss at each other and actually cheer when you leave but then, in your last period - there's a tiny moment of light. They're doing a packet on Leonardo da Vinci and when they're done they ask "well now what do we do?" Read? Draw? Talk very quietly amongst yourselves? Or we could talk about da Vinci and how he wasnt just an artist but also a crazy genius who designed things a crazy death scythe chariot, a machine gun, and robots. Most of the class chose to do the first three but I had one boy come from the VERY back of the class, with his chair, set it down in front of me and say "Tell me more about Da Vinci." And in the 20 minutes left in class I covered with this kid - iconographic art and the transition to more realistic renaissance portraiture and scenes(ala the last supper), the advent of the printing press, medieval medicine, the limited understanding of the human body, the value of the vitruvian man, the working helicopter models da Vinci came up with, and how on top of being a genius, this was the point in history when people were starting to realize that the world around them was bigger than just their homes and neighbors. He sat there, when he could've been in the back with his friends chatting, with me talking about these historical things, and at the end of the class wanted to know more to the point that I got to direct him to the library. That one kid made my whole freaking day worth getting up for. Well that and the money, obvs. :P

-Everybody holding up okay after MikeyWaygate2013? Man. That could've been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend. Seriously Mikey - what what what are you doing? Look at your life, look at your choices. Sucks that its happening because the two of them were always so....lovely when I saw them together. I'm not judging because DBT teaches no judgement and I'm trying to practice that. I still love this band a stupid degree. Doesnt affect the way I look at them as artists although I'm less physically attracted to Mikey now. Mostly, I feel markedly bad for Alicia because she was nothing but kind and friendly to me every time we met. If she was anything near as nice to her friends as she was to a strange little fangirl like me, then she definitely doesnt deserve this kind of hurt. So for that, I has a sad :(

-My mom is far less verbally abusive and is almost back to normal. Like she was possessed - Supernatural style - and Sam and Dean snuck in and exorcised her without me noticing. YAY! Avoiding her is really helping but she's more relaxed now I've got a job. My dad is still mindfucking her over the divorce stuff (even though they signed the papers 10 years ago - they're still in court. Yeah.) That should be getting closer to the end soon. The trial is next month. My sister is currently in town. BEHOLD! A PICTURE OF US! I am the heavy set one in stripes. She is the beautiful one. Seriously. Very glad she's here but there's now 3 of us in 2 bedrooms. *facepalm* this apartment isnt built for that.
picture )

-Mental health: waxes and wanes. The very best way to get ahold of me is to chat with me via gchat, aim, yim etc because when I get low, I dont post here on LJ or DW for weeks because of, well, the depression. Then I stick to tumblr where I reblog pictures of Teen Wolf, Avengers, and OUAT characters sometimes with snarky commentary. I'm on a new cocktail and it seems to be working for now though.

-Addicted to Hollyoaks. Like badly. Like - I went back to 2011 and have been watching the full half hour eps in order. Send help?

-For later! I wrote since last we spoke. 2 for The Hour during Yuletide, and at least 3 for Teen Wolf that isn't up here but I'll do an official posty thing for them when its not almost 5am. Also there are TMI sex things I want to blog/talk to you guys about they're long and thinky and TMI so again, not for 5am. This whole area is for next post.

-Things are a hot mess all over - but with my new job, my old crazy, my sister in the house, MikeyWaygate2013, and all the other craziness that is going on in my world (and there's more but its too day-to-day to detail), I signed up for the words and deeds meme and thats my thread. I could use some of this for a push through to the other side to Tuesday (when my sister will have left for Colorado, I dont know why she's going, and my mom will have left for Florida and the trial and will not be getting her negative scary on me).

-Lastly, you guys Warm Bodies comes out Friday in the US. It's a zom-rom-com. Oh yeah. Zombie romantic comedy. If you can go see it, please do. We want this one to do well so it will encourage the studios to make smarter more interesting movies rather than the same crap over and over. Plus, John Malkovich is in it, and along with Nicholas Hoult(the kid from About A Boy who grew up, got hot, and then was on Skins) and Rob Cordry as zombies yes.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
Yeah, I rolled out this icon because it really was THAT BAD.

I just got home from what was undisputedly the most horrific thanksgiving week of my entire fucking life. Dont believe me? Click the cut. Seriously. I dare you )</>
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
Yeah, I rolled out this icon because it really was THAT BAD.

I just got home from what was undisputedly the most horrific thanksgiving week of my entire fucking life. Dont believe me? Click the cut. Seriously. I dare you )</>
dancinbutterfly: (Hunger Games - Salute)
Sometimes I think about Dolores and am just...stunned she's not in the world anymore. It's been just over 5 months. I just keep having these times when I'm blindsided by how deeply I'm effected. It knocks the wind out of me - what she did, how angry I am, how heartbroken, how bereft. I look at my family and wonder if they're okay - if they're feeling like I am, like something's been hollowed out and scraped away. I dont know. It's hard to tell to be frank. My mom doesnt talk much about her and my bio sister and I talk so rarely I cant even begin to guess.

I think part of it is the fact that My Chemical Romance's new tracks were leaked. Boy Divison and Tomorrow's Money has NOTHING to do with her but those boys, that band - they remind me that I can feel, that I DO feel. Releasing something new reminds me that they exist, that they're real and solid and for some reason it brings into shocking contrast that Dolores DOESNT anymore. I love My Chemical Romance even more for this. I really do.

I ache. I cry. But goddamnit I can feel this pain. A year ago, when I was in the hospital - I was so sick that I COULDNT feel. Now I can and I'm so grateful for that. I can't really articulate how much.
dancinbutterfly: (Avengers-Avengers-Tasha and Clint)
My god there is nothing more disturbing than a 2am phone call on the line which my family only calls in an emergency. Got out of bed and checked in w/mom who was on the phone with sister. Everything is okay but ugh. Do not want.
dancinbutterfly: (Avengers-Avengers-Tasha and Clint)
My god there is nothing more disturbing than a 2am phone call on the line which my family only calls in an emergency. Got out of bed and checked in w/mom who was on the phone with sister. Everything is okay but ugh. Do not want.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
ALL THE THINGS!!!

♥So, the new LJ format sucks I hear? [livejournal.com profile] guest_age made me a layout like...a year ago and so I dont actually see any of the changes? I hear if you go to ?=light it goes back to almost-normal. Not a fix but temporary solution for you guys who are dealing with it atm?

♥HANNUKAH IS HERE! Argh, consumerist holiday is consumerist but that said - omg you guys. THE PRESENTS. I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL! I'M SWIMMING IN GRATITUDE! THINGS CAME IN THE MAIL! THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I WANT TO CRY!
Thank yous, in order of arrival by mail:
-[livejournal.com profile] jankato thank you so so so SO much for the Venture Bros DVDs. You didnt have to do that. You did it anyway. I cant deal with how wonderful that gesture was and just thinking about your generousity makes me tear up. Here is a picture of me with your present under the cut )
-[livejournal.com profile] trcunning thank you for the little bag. IT HAS BOB BRYAR ON ONE SIDE AND RYAN ROSS ON THE OTHER! Guys, you need to click and see this. She painted them. Bob is so BOBLIKE and Ryan is in FULL PRISONVERSE MAKE UP! It's beautiful. IDK what I'm going to use it for but I cant stand how gorgeous it is. My pass out from loving it so hard. Fair warning. [livejournal.com profile] trcunning clearly put a lot of work into it.">Click here to see it - which you should because its awesome and [livejournal.com profile] trcunning clearly put a lot of work into it.


-[livejournal.com profile] isweedan is making my Hanukkah dreams come true via podfic. If you havent heard how awesome her podficcing is? Go to her journal and listen to some of it. Her voice is awesome and sometimes you can hear her smiling through her voice and it is THE MOST CHARMING THING ON PLANET EARTH! Plus, she's quite good at characters. So just - go now. You wont regret it.
-[livejournal.com profile] guest_age got me Scott Pilgrim vs The World because its the best comic movie ever made. I'm sorry Batman/Xmen/Avengers people. All of those are awesome, but they're not as quirky and perfect as Scott Pilgrim - which even has Captain America IN IT! Magical!

♥My little sister Hillary is in town. This is stressful as hell but also good? I love her a lot but dear god she makes me so tired and wears me out because she is a difficult human being. She is funny and fascinating but difficult. Wouldn't be the holidays without that would it? However she did get me THE CUTEST LAPTOP BAG IN ALL OF THE LAND THAT HAS A NEON PINK KITTY ON IT and a sparkly Hello Kitty case for my droid with the British flag on it. Both items are SUPER CUTE and you can see them here. ) Yeah. My sister won at Hannukah in my family this year. Lol.

♥Speaking of Hannukah - Conan O'Brien is trying destroy your soul through the most perverse Menorah OF ALL TIME. Click here. Your morbid curiosity wants you to.

♥The new hospital is...interesting? They're all about whole body health and I think I'm covertly terrified of truly healing. Dont tell my mom? /o\

♥Graduation! Turns out, my paperwork never made it to FSU so technically I havent graduated yet - even though I walked in August. So, my superwoman-levels-of-awesome ally in the Dean of Undergraduate Students office pulled some strings and moved some papers and now the Official Paperwork has me graduating university in January of 2012. Do you know what this means? It means that when I apply for jobs, I dont have to account for why there's a massive gap in my work from October to Whenever I finish my psychiatric treatment. I wasnt working because I hadnt graduated yet! BEST! HANNUKAH PRESENT! OF ALL!

So. Um, how are yall?
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
ALL THE THINGS!!!

♥So, the new LJ format sucks I hear? [livejournal.com profile] guest_age made me a layout like...a year ago and so I dont actually see any of the changes? I hear if you go to ?=light it goes back to almost-normal. Not a fix but temporary solution for you guys who are dealing with it atm?

♥HANNUKAH IS HERE! Argh, consumerist holiday is consumerist but that said - omg you guys. THE PRESENTS. I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL! I'M SWIMMING IN GRATITUDE! THINGS CAME IN THE MAIL! THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I WANT TO CRY!
Thank yous, in order of arrival by mail:
-[livejournal.com profile] jankato thank you so so so SO much for the Venture Bros DVDs. You didnt have to do that. You did it anyway. I cant deal with how wonderful that gesture was and just thinking about your generousity makes me tear up. Here is a picture of me with your present under the cut )
-[livejournal.com profile] trcunning thank you for the little bag. IT HAS BOB BRYAR ON ONE SIDE AND RYAN ROSS ON THE OTHER! Guys, you need to click and see this. She painted them. Bob is so BOBLIKE and Ryan is in FULL PRISONVERSE MAKE UP! It's beautiful. IDK what I'm going to use it for but I cant stand how gorgeous it is. My pass out from loving it so hard. Fair warning. [livejournal.com profile] trcunning clearly put a lot of work into it.">Click here to see it - which you should because its awesome and [livejournal.com profile] trcunning clearly put a lot of work into it.


-[livejournal.com profile] isweedan is making my Hanukkah dreams come true via podfic. If you havent heard how awesome her podficcing is? Go to her journal and listen to some of it. Her voice is awesome and sometimes you can hear her smiling through her voice and it is THE MOST CHARMING THING ON PLANET EARTH! Plus, she's quite good at characters. So just - go now. You wont regret it.
-[livejournal.com profile] guest_age got me Scott Pilgrim vs The World because its the best comic movie ever made. I'm sorry Batman/Xmen/Avengers people. All of those are awesome, but they're not as quirky and perfect as Scott Pilgrim - which even has Captain America IN IT! Magical!

♥My little sister Hillary is in town. This is stressful as hell but also good? I love her a lot but dear god she makes me so tired and wears me out because she is a difficult human being. She is funny and fascinating but difficult. Wouldn't be the holidays without that would it? However she did get me THE CUTEST LAPTOP BAG IN ALL OF THE LAND THAT HAS A NEON PINK KITTY ON IT and a sparkly Hello Kitty case for my droid with the British flag on it. Both items are SUPER CUTE and you can see them here. ) Yeah. My sister won at Hannukah in my family this year. Lol.

♥Speaking of Hannukah - Conan O'Brien is trying destroy your soul through the most perverse Menorah OF ALL TIME. Click here. Your morbid curiosity wants you to.

♥The new hospital is...interesting? They're all about whole body health and I think I'm covertly terrified of truly healing. Dont tell my mom? /o\

♥Graduation! Turns out, my paperwork never made it to FSU so technically I havent graduated yet - even though I walked in August. So, my superwoman-levels-of-awesome ally in the Dean of Undergraduate Students office pulled some strings and moved some papers and now the Official Paperwork has me graduating university in January of 2012. Do you know what this means? It means that when I apply for jobs, I dont have to account for why there's a massive gap in my work from October to Whenever I finish my psychiatric treatment. I wasnt working because I hadnt graduated yet! BEST! HANNUKAH PRESENT! OF ALL!

So. Um, how are yall?
dancinbutterfly: (Zombieland - Tallahassee)
Things in real life got very complicated very fast once ComicCon ended you guys. I got trapped in San Diego for about two days (Thanks so much Delta) at which point, my father decided to call me for the first time in months and it's was pretty devastating. I cried like a little girl in the airport. Then I had my finals - three of them back to back, the last exams of my college experience and wasn't that fucking stressful as hell? My sister and mother were out of town so I had to take care of that and just - a lot of stress. Then there's financial aid problems that never got solved in May and oh yeah? Did I mention that I was in car wreck before I left for ComicCon? There's that too.

Today I spent a rather large amount of time fighting with financial aid at FSU and. Um. I fired my psychiatrist. Shit gets a tiny bit real under the cut and I cut it because I have mental health issues and dont want to trigger you with them if thats the sort of thing that will set you off )

Oh yeah, and I graduate from university with a bachelors in English, focus on Creative Writing on Saturday. So, yes. This whole fucking week is scary and exhausting and just...as amazing as ComicCon was - things are rough in Rachael World. I'm fine but it's not the easiest going so if I'm slow to respond to you - thats why.

On the fannish side - I'm still taking prompts over at the whole Hypothetical AU meme post because it's fun and I am living and breathing distractions right now. If you havent dropped an idea over there, feel free. I'd love to have something else to think about - like, IDK, what it'd be like if Charles Xavier were the blond chick equivalent in Clan of the Cave Bear or if Bebe were a high class call girl and the Black Cards were a fancy shmancy escort agency or something. I dont know. What I do know is that I am really not ready to think about my world right now. Next week maybe but right now lets talk about other worlds instead.

*adjusts tinfoil hat and climbs into her pillow fort to wait this shit out*
dancinbutterfly: (Zombieland - Tallahassee)
Things in real life got very complicated very fast once ComicCon ended you guys. I got trapped in San Diego for about two days (Thanks so much Delta) at which point, my father decided to call me for the first time in months and it's was pretty devastating. I cried like a little girl in the airport. Then I had my finals - three of them back to back, the last exams of my college experience and wasn't that fucking stressful as hell? My sister and mother were out of town so I had to take care of that and just - a lot of stress. Then there's financial aid problems that never got solved in May and oh yeah? Did I mention that I was in car wreck before I left for ComicCon? There's that too.

Today I spent a rather large amount of time fighting with financial aid at FSU and. Um. I fired my psychiatrist. Shit gets a tiny bit real under the cut and I cut it because I have mental health issues and dont want to trigger you with them if thats the sort of thing that will set you off )

Oh yeah, and I graduate from university with a bachelors in English, focus on Creative Writing on Saturday. So, yes. This whole fucking week is scary and exhausting and just...as amazing as ComicCon was - things are rough in Rachael World. I'm fine but it's not the easiest going so if I'm slow to respond to you - thats why.

On the fannish side - I'm still taking prompts over at the whole Hypothetical AU meme post because it's fun and I am living and breathing distractions right now. If you havent dropped an idea over there, feel free. I'd love to have something else to think about - like, IDK, what it'd be like if Charles Xavier were the blond chick equivalent in Clan of the Cave Bear or if Bebe were a high class call girl and the Black Cards were a fancy shmancy escort agency or something. I dont know. What I do know is that I am really not ready to think about my world right now. Next week maybe but right now lets talk about other worlds instead.

*adjusts tinfoil hat and climbs into her pillow fort to wait this shit out*
dancinbutterfly: (Old Spice -  THE TICKETS ARE NOW DIAMOND)
So....Friday I went to see a little band called Panic At the Disco. Maybe you've heard of them? Their lead singer Brendon Urie broke his fucking foot walking off stage tonight. He's a speshul snowflake like that. I went with my mother and my sister - though I have to say I doubted their commitment to Sparkle Motion Panic. IT was nice. My sister wore the PATD tank i bought her in London and my mom was in mom-concert-mode which is to say - woman's a rockstar but her shoulder isnt so good so she tends to stand a bit back.

I got there first and held the spot in line and while I did I discovered through [livejournal.com profile] eledhwenlin that [livejournal.com profile] likeaglass was inside! YAY FANDOM PERSON! Gigging without a fellow fanatic somewhere in the vicinity just isnt as fun, not that mom and Hillary arent aces.

Foxy Shazam were amazing. They were less scary than when I saw them with The Young Vein (and isnt that just the weirdest full circle? Yes, yes it is) but I think that is because there was less of a chance that Eric the lead singer would light me on fire or fall on me or anything like that. They're an impressive band, yall. Their music isnt always to my taste but those insane fuckers put on one of the most energetic, interesting, enthusiastic live shows I've ever seen - yes including my beloved bandom boys. I think they may be too intense to ever get really famous though but I would go to another of their shows if it was cheap.

fun. was all right. I'm not a huge fan. It's lacking something I just dont know what. They seem very talented and maybe, like Lost Alone and The Blackout they would grow on my given time but with just one show to impress me? They didnt.

Then there was Panic. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY PANIC! Brendon was ON tonight. Hell they all were. I managed to get from near the bar to one/two people back from the barricade by the time the boys came out so I had a really really great view. Ian won me over as I was on his side. That man is a powerhouse and he was on fire. He and Brendon had really great stage chemistry particularly during the closing. Dallon was Dallon. He and Brendon are ridiculous together. I love them, you guys. They press their foreheads together and Dallon cradles the back of Brendon's head. They interlaced their fingers and Brendon kissed the back of his hand. SO CUTE AND CHARMING. Spencer *sighs* I love Spencer but its so hard to SEE him. It's hard to see him and its hard to see how he interacts with the boys. Which sucks. I would've liked a better view because what I could see was awesome. He actually spoke tonight - he got a picture from behind the drumkit and asked us all to pose and Dallon and Ian crossed their guitars while Brendon posed and we all cheered. They played Trade Mistakes and Hurricane which - aside from one of the bonus tracks - are my fucking all time favorites off V&V so I was a happy happy panda.

And I managed to get a few pictures. They're mostly not so great. They were taken with my new camera's phone so the fact that I got as many decent pics as I did is an actualfax miracle. Hope you enjoy :D

A mostly Brendon-centric picspam as he was closest to me most of the time )

They closed with Carry On My Wayward Son because they want to inspire the SPN fangirls in the audience to write crossovers and Nearly Witches because its gorgeous and just a really solid closing number.

Afterwards, I met back up with my mother and sister to exchange hugs and recaps before they left. I went out to band-stalk and met up with [livejournal.com profile] likeaglass to wait. And oh, wait we did. *grins* Zach declared they werent coming out (which I honestly didnt believe because how many times have I heard that? A lot. Its only true half the time.) We talked bandom boys and the show and watched them pack up and load the trucks and the various bands mill around the parking lot. One of the shinging moments of the WHOLE NIGHT was spotting Zach carrying a translucent bong the size of an infant to the bus. I am not even kidding. Surprisingly, around 1am, after Zach had dragged Ian to the bus by his snazzy jacket, Spencer Smith comes out. He's not the most social creature so I was more than a little shocked. Then of course he got up close to us and it became apparent what the giant bong had been used for. [livejournal.com profile] likeaglass and I are CONVINCED that the conversasion went like this-

Spencer: *takes a deep hit off the bong* You know what'd be cool? Going out to meet the fans.
Zach: You dont ever go out and meet the fans.
Spencer: *exhales the smoke* Yeah but this time it'd be awesome.
Zach: No. We have to be in Florida in X hrs.

But then Zach caved because out he came, baked like a fucking chocolate chip cookie. Zach was harried because that is just how Zach rolls but Spencer was all friendly and smiling giving hugs and stopping for pictures. He's lovely, even if he was so clearly high. Whatever, it was almost cute.

Then he got to us. Now I'm not really a Spencer Smith girl. I'm a Gerard Way girl. I'm a Mikey Way girl. I'm a Pete Wentz girl. I'm a Patrick Stump girl. I have epic, long-winded things to say to them. Spencer? Not so much. Just hi, here's my stuff. However, I did feel compelled to point out that my companion had been following them around the country as she handed him the setlist Ian gave her. He blinked at it and said "I didn't give you that did I?" "No, Ian did" "Yeah, because I remember who I gave mine too." Oookay, Spencer. Then he CIRCLED C'MON ON THE SET LIST and talked about how this was the first time they played it, even though we'd told him that she's been following him. I just... the fact that he felt the need to circle it, just to make it CLEAR is what makes that whole thing so delicious.

I have video. It happened. You can watch it if you want but you have to listen to my voice and its shaky as hell but hey, its technically new canon so some people may want that.




Also, I got video of them playing Lying... It's not a great video but Brendon talks about how he is an advocate of "casual sex with strangers" which - all the fic. All the fic in the world - write it for me please. Plus, you know, its just a hot song. Next concert I go to will have much better pictures and video, I promise :D



Anyway, that was my night. It was awesome. Feel free to come back by anytime boys. We would love to have you.
dancinbutterfly: (Old Spice -  THE TICKETS ARE NOW DIAMOND)
So....Friday I went to see a little band called Panic At the Disco. Maybe you've heard of them? Their lead singer Brendon Urie broke his fucking foot walking off stage tonight. He's a speshul snowflake like that. I went with my mother and my sister - though I have to say I doubted their commitment to Sparkle Motion Panic. IT was nice. My sister wore the PATD tank i bought her in London and my mom was in mom-concert-mode which is to say - woman's a rockstar but her shoulder isnt so good so she tends to stand a bit back.

I got there first and held the spot in line and while I did I discovered through [livejournal.com profile] eledhwenlin that [livejournal.com profile] likeaglass was inside! YAY FANDOM PERSON! Gigging without a fellow fanatic somewhere in the vicinity just isnt as fun, not that mom and Hillary arent aces.

Foxy Shazam were amazing. They were less scary than when I saw them with The Young Vein (and isnt that just the weirdest full circle? Yes, yes it is) but I think that is because there was less of a chance that Eric the lead singer would light me on fire or fall on me or anything like that. They're an impressive band, yall. Their music isnt always to my taste but those insane fuckers put on one of the most energetic, interesting, enthusiastic live shows I've ever seen - yes including my beloved bandom boys. I think they may be too intense to ever get really famous though but I would go to another of their shows if it was cheap.

fun. was all right. I'm not a huge fan. It's lacking something I just dont know what. They seem very talented and maybe, like Lost Alone and The Blackout they would grow on my given time but with just one show to impress me? They didnt.

Then there was Panic. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY PANIC! Brendon was ON tonight. Hell they all were. I managed to get from near the bar to one/two people back from the barricade by the time the boys came out so I had a really really great view. Ian won me over as I was on his side. That man is a powerhouse and he was on fire. He and Brendon had really great stage chemistry particularly during the closing. Dallon was Dallon. He and Brendon are ridiculous together. I love them, you guys. They press their foreheads together and Dallon cradles the back of Brendon's head. They interlaced their fingers and Brendon kissed the back of his hand. SO CUTE AND CHARMING. Spencer *sighs* I love Spencer but its so hard to SEE him. It's hard to see him and its hard to see how he interacts with the boys. Which sucks. I would've liked a better view because what I could see was awesome. He actually spoke tonight - he got a picture from behind the drumkit and asked us all to pose and Dallon and Ian crossed their guitars while Brendon posed and we all cheered. They played Trade Mistakes and Hurricane which - aside from one of the bonus tracks - are my fucking all time favorites off V&V so I was a happy happy panda.

And I managed to get a few pictures. They're mostly not so great. They were taken with my new camera's phone so the fact that I got as many decent pics as I did is an actualfax miracle. Hope you enjoy :D

A mostly Brendon-centric picspam as he was closest to me most of the time )

They closed with Carry On My Wayward Son because they want to inspire the SPN fangirls in the audience to write crossovers and Nearly Witches because its gorgeous and just a really solid closing number.

Afterwards, I met back up with my mother and sister to exchange hugs and recaps before they left. I went out to band-stalk and met up with [livejournal.com profile] likeaglass to wait. And oh, wait we did. *grins* Zach declared they werent coming out (which I honestly didnt believe because how many times have I heard that? A lot. Its only true half the time.) We talked bandom boys and the show and watched them pack up and load the trucks and the various bands mill around the parking lot. One of the shinging moments of the WHOLE NIGHT was spotting Zach carrying a translucent bong the size of an infant to the bus. I am not even kidding. Surprisingly, around 1am, after Zach had dragged Ian to the bus by his snazzy jacket, Spencer Smith comes out. He's not the most social creature so I was more than a little shocked. Then of course he got up close to us and it became apparent what the giant bong had been used for. [livejournal.com profile] likeaglass and I are CONVINCED that the conversasion went like this-

Spencer: *takes a deep hit off the bong* You know what'd be cool? Going out to meet the fans.
Zach: You dont ever go out and meet the fans.
Spencer: *exhales the smoke* Yeah but this time it'd be awesome.
Zach: No. We have to be in Florida in X hrs.

But then Zach caved because out he came, baked like a fucking chocolate chip cookie. Zach was harried because that is just how Zach rolls but Spencer was all friendly and smiling giving hugs and stopping for pictures. He's lovely, even if he was so clearly high. Whatever, it was almost cute.

Then he got to us. Now I'm not really a Spencer Smith girl. I'm a Gerard Way girl. I'm a Mikey Way girl. I'm a Pete Wentz girl. I'm a Patrick Stump girl. I have epic, long-winded things to say to them. Spencer? Not so much. Just hi, here's my stuff. However, I did feel compelled to point out that my companion had been following them around the country as she handed him the setlist Ian gave her. He blinked at it and said "I didn't give you that did I?" "No, Ian did" "Yeah, because I remember who I gave mine too." Oookay, Spencer. Then he CIRCLED C'MON ON THE SET LIST and talked about how this was the first time they played it, even though we'd told him that she's been following him. I just... the fact that he felt the need to circle it, just to make it CLEAR is what makes that whole thing so delicious.

I have video. It happened. You can watch it if you want but you have to listen to my voice and its shaky as hell but hey, its technically new canon so some people may want that.




Also, I got video of them playing Lying... It's not a great video but Brendon talks about how he is an advocate of "casual sex with strangers" which - all the fic. All the fic in the world - write it for me please. Plus, you know, its just a hot song. Next concert I go to will have much better pictures and video, I promise :D



Anyway, that was my night. It was awesome. Feel free to come back by anytime boys. We would love to have you.

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