oh

Jul. 31st, 2014 02:03 pm
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
So. Yesterday the field director knocked me from full time to part time student because I made the mistake of disclosing my disabilities to the School of Social Work. And I missed the Monumentour because of all that was involved in this mess. And the M&G. I'm going sit here and sob for awhile. Don't mind me.

How do I keep missing FOB you guys? How?

Also, did i mention I got knocked from full to part time. I just. Not enough weed or sleep in the world to make up for this.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So. Things have been rough for Team Rachael - once again FSU made my life nearly ruined because of timing - joy. There was a lot of nearly collapsing in and I made nearly got withdrawn and a few days were spent with me working through tears but today I got it done. Social Work Grad School - You are applied for.

Not to mention - I may have lost my space at ComicCon not to mention my press access because they dont Have Enough Room and thought now would be a good time to tell me, a month away when I already bought a flight and made commitments to share a room. Awesome. I literally live for these five days. Literally. I mean there were days where I was like "I can hurt myself! I'd miss SDCC" and its kept me from serious ideation since i got sick. Not an option not to go.

Ah well. I did get a job. Still phone job, still for an adult line but I'm not doing chats, I'll be running customer service and dispatch and making (hopefully) more money.

But I kept getting kicked in the face and in tears but I kept being like "okay what to do next to get through this." and my friend Merjia said that I have a battle spirit to keep forcing myself back so fast after meeting defeat. I love the idea a lot. As in }I am mentally drafting a tattoo of the concept{ like that.

I've been watching Hockey, dreaming of being with Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy, and writing about teen wolf. My brain processes oddly.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Got an appointment with Marlee tomorrow. Yeah. Getting shit done. I refuse to sit in my mental state kthnx. Also its february 4th so I moved a couple Talk Meme topics around as I already posted pretty much every day this month but hey, still room for topics if you want them.

Also to the people who commented that you are out there? Don't be shy. Hi is enough. I will say hi back. The only way to bring giving a shit back to DW/LJ is for us to, well, give a shit.

So.

Lets give a shit.

Also, I have a secret. I havent told anyone. Not even my mom or my internet friends or even Marlee. Its not a bad one or a big one. I'm just...keeping it. It is a challenge. I kind of like it. It's a test.

I'm smoking more than I have since I left treatment though. It's my trade with myself. You may smoke but you have to go outside for the first Black and Mild of the day. For the second, you have to take a walk. For the third, you have to take an even longer walk. I didn't claim said my system makes sense. I'm just trying to get out of bed. This got me all the way into the back yard half an hour ago morning. Thats a big fucking deal.

I also know I'm in a bad way because I have pulled out My Chemical Romance, Panic At the Disco, and Fall Out Boy's old stuff and have it on repeat. That is my "this band wants to save your life" music.

Family wise, I have disconnected from my mom in a big way. She and I reached an enmeshment place so tightly knitted that I can't even look at her. So I'm taking what I can from other family. I'm wearing the hoodies my sister gave me from Chicago and her gradschool and they make me feel a little bit loved. I've been wearing my late sister's scarf compulsively and spending hours on the couch my grandmother left me(but everything in my room is my grandmother's almost which is kind of good)

The strange thing is that I miss my dad a lot right now. Like a really large amount. The tired hurting little girl in me just really wants her daddy and my stepdad is great and usually fills the void because he is amazing but he isnt cutting it. For those of you who are new-ish here, click one of the dad related tags below to find out why that is a bad, insane thing.
dancinbutterfly: (FOB - Mikey/Pete)
So, Aunt J totally broke my Fall Out Boy curse when I was in DC. IDK if I mentioned it but I had TERRIBLE luck seeing them which I told her about and she was like COME WE SHALL FIX THIS! and we did because Aunt J is the best J. However, they are coming back to Atlanta this summer. YAAAAAY! With Paramore(so unimpressed. I'm bringing my Nook - so serious). However after I saw them in DC I joined Overcast Kids which means I actually got presale tickets and was able to grab tix to the meet&greet thing. FINALLY! CHECKING THE LAST OF THE BOYS OFF THE LIST!

When this is complete, I will have met all of the bandom boys except Bob Bryar including Cobra(but not including Bill Beckett). Yeah. But mostly - FULL FALL OUT BOY CONCERT. OUTSIDE IN THE CRAZY. THREE DAYS AFTER SDCC. OH ITS GONNA BE ON.



Still got a lot of spots open for topics for the Talking Meme for February. You can find it here. Personal, political, musical, literal, fandom, opinion, familial, sexual, object-related, whatever else - ask. There is much space! Use it please please?
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
Let me tell you a fairytale that won't be in any of the books. Goes like this:

In the land known as The Deep South there was a Girl with a Fairy Godmother who took care of her when things went to shit and helped her believe that Good Things Do Happen. When the Girl's grandmother was dying, the Fairy Godmother used Live Nation to send her tickets to a Fall Out Boy show because the death of the Girl's grandmother made her miss the first one. The Girl was very grateful because this band was one of those Good Things Do Happen occurrences in her life and she loved her Fairy Godmother for helping her to get her there. Over the course of months, with her Fairy Godmother's support(and lots of therapy and other stuff) the Girl actually became social enough that she was all set to go to the Concert the Fairy Godmother had procured for her WITH A GROUP OF NEW FRIENDS she had made ALL BY HERSELF! *gasp* It was something of a momentous occasion. But when she went to get the ticket, she noticed a problem she hadn't seen before - the ticket was only for parking - so the Girl called The Ticketmaster and was kept waiting on Holdline of Epic Torment and was told by The Ticketmaster that lo, despite the Fairy Godmother's powerful magic, the actual concert ticket was paperless and therefore could not be transferred and transfers of Live Nation paperless tickets was forbidden according to the laws of the realm. In fact the law was so strict the guards at the gate of the castle where the Concert would be held check IDs against tickets and so there was nothing the Girl could do but surrender to her defeat. She couldn't travel anyway as her mother's boyfriend's chariot was blocking her's in the garage. So the Girl's new friends had to go on without her and she was left to spend yet another saturday alone in her basement, watching bad reality TV and feeling guilty for letting people down.

The End.
Suck it Grimm Bros.


Cry on the couch all the poets come to life
Its like the universe doesnt want me to see Fall Out Boy play together or something.
I've got headaches and bad luck
This the third time something has stopped me. Third. Jesus.
I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
I got a lovely comment today checking on me to see how I am. At which point I realized I havent given you a status update.

How I am is fucking horrific and what's up is that my grandmother is dying. Not she's got cancer and is dying. Not oh now she's at stage 4 and is dying.

No, we're at hospice comes every day, we change her and try to help keep her lips and mouth dry, hold her hand, and literally hoping for her to die because she's ready to go and we're ready for her to go but we come from sturdy stock that will never quit and is going to keep going until ever wears out.

I flew in on Saturday night and she was awake enough to talk. Sunday was a decent day and we got to talk/see her and my cousins were there too. Monday we had last-words sort of things where I was told 1)that its so good that I have substitute teaching, a REAL job, because she was worried about me with trying to make a living "with the writing" 2) that I look so great and if I could just lose 10lbs I would be perfect 3)that she is terrified for me that I should end up 700lbs and have to get carted out of my house 4)that I am not to help my father even if he's dying in the street[the woman had no saliva but spit at my father with one of her dying acts] because he isnt worth the ground he walks on and I'm not to talk to him let alone take care of him when he's old and that 5)I'm too smart, so much smarter than most people and people hate that 6)so I have to act average and only show my smarts later so I can get by in the world.

That did make me feel like GUTTING myself or any anything. Not like she hit on all of the things that I hurt me the most. Not like my weight and my complete lack of faith in my ability to pursue writing and my conflicted father issues and feeling like a fucking freak ALL the time because I know more than most people in a given room. As if I didnt know I have to act average in order to interact with the world - as if the last week of failing miserably at: impulse control, modesty, having an instinct on when a conversation is over, keeping my mouth shut, making small talk, being a general disaster hasnt been evidenced enough.

If I werent aware before my grandmothers last coherent words, my sister and mother have both made it DAMN fucking clear how badly i'm doing here how wrong I am to be here, how everything I do is a mistake, how I'm in the way, not part of this, shouldnt be here. Granted the rest of my cousins came. They all were here and had their time (or if they didnt got talked about for not). I'm here because she was my favorite. I'm here because fuck all of them I was her favorite.

The thing about this is - I was SPECIFICALLY TOLD that I would be getting no emotional support from my mom when I came down here. Fine. I dont need it, I said. [personal profile] knight_tracer stocked me up with podfics that have been really amazing - so good for my nerves and my soul. She's a sweetie that way. I have my therapist(true, I had a session on monday) and theres a couple other people who have tried but foolishly I thought that my internet friends would be more of a support than than they are.

God, I am so STUPID. People WARNED ME. They WARNED me for a DECADE that the friends you meet online arent your friends until you get to know them in real life(I'm looking at you Hardwire Harlots)but I didnt listen. I thought that they were even if you never saw their faces or heard their voices. I thought that after fifteen years online I'd made REAL connections you know?

Only the longer this drags on - and oh god it drags and drags - I'm finding thats not true. I'm just alone. The names I reach out to are empty. How stupid can I possibly be?

So now, not only am I under a barrage of constant verbal attacks from my sister that have me scrambling to change everything I can about myself in a desperate bid not to get attacked again. Please, god please, just let me have gotten it right this time. I just want to fix it so I stop getting attacked. Thats all. I want to just breathe. I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry.

Then I'm surrounded by sadness and tension to tight you could turn it into a cord and garrot someone with it and am realizing that I'm alone. I am all alone. I mean, intellectually, I knew that I was alone? I had just sort of deluded myself into thinking that these words on a screen were attached to people who cared on the other side.

However, as much as the sexual assault made me realize how kind and supportive everyone on here is, this current has made me realize how deeply alone I am. It's pointless to try and get with the people I consider my closest friends. They're in other corners of the earth. If they're not they busy with their husbands/wives/children, they have prearranged activities or better friends and plans they made before I ever entered the picture. This isnt a new thing. I've never been first for anyone and I dont know why that would change now. I've pretty much never been anyone's best friend(i've had lots of people as MY best friend but I was never THEIRS) and thats most keenly noticed since Kaci and I's friendship disintergrated. I have people who try now, here on LJ and on Twitter too but...I dont have anyone I feel like I can turn to and say "Help me." Not with this. Not with the request of being with me when things are hard and I cant be funny or clever or entertaining. I don't have friends for a reason I figure. Being with me isnt something most people want. Most of the time of I force myself to be okay with it.

After a week watching a woman I love die by centimeters, I'm not strong enough to pretend it's not one of the main reasons I'm up typing and crying at 3:55am.

Oh. Wait. In a final bit of hilarious fate: I DONT GET TO SEE FALL OUT BOY TOMORROW! I've only been waiting for 5 years for this and now, boom, chance gone. Isn't that silly? My grandma is dying but I'm still let down. Plus, the part of me that gets paid less than 20K a year is angry about $50 down the drain. I was going to get a tour hoodie. I was going to finally have seen all the bandom bands and know that I'd survived to see them all play - Panic, MCR and FOB.

I waited for years for them to come back and they did, just in time for my world to fall apart again. I'm pretty sure the arena show inAtlanta is already sold out so, you know maybe in another 5 years when I'm 30 I'll get to see them. I really hope I'll be alive then. I dont mean that in a self-destructive way its just...with the way things keep going I dont hope for much anymore you know? The tenth person in my graduating class of 250 died this week so I'm just saying. I used to wish for things like a family - someone to love, kids, friends, a career I liked, living somewhere I didnt hate. Now, the way things are going, getting to live to see 30 and maybe Fall Out Boy with like...one friend who is really there for me? Thats the new dream.
dancinbutterfly: (MCR - Hero!Bob - No Bullshit)
Title: Bound to the Beat
Band(s): My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy
Pairing(s): Bob/Patrick (Bob/Brian, Bob/OMC, Patrick/Anna, Patrick/Brendon, nonromantic Pete/Patrick, Gerard/Brian, Mikey/Pete, Ryan/Spencer, Jamia/Frank)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 37,400
Warnings: Innate Dominant/submissive identities, soulbonding, prescription drug use and misuse in conjunction with soulbonds, consent issues discussed in regards to soulbonding, reference to canon suicide attempt, BDSM, minor OC character death, still-a-band!AU, a Will who is NOT William Beckett.
Summary: In a near canon world where orientation refers to dominance or submission, not sexuality, almost everyone has a soulmate that is supposed to complement their personality, biology, orientation and heart. Most people look forward to the day when the psionic bond sparks into existence, connecting them to their other halves. However, a trauma left Bob wanting anything but the bond he sees as a dangerous trap, and he takes matters in his own hands to chemically prevent his bond from effecting him. Patrick doesn't know what he did wrong but he knows that for some reason, his soulmate has rejected him and he has to learn to live with that. Between their pasts, their bands, and their hopes, neither of them expects end up where they do - so close with so much distance still between them. (Inspired by the Bound and Determined universe created by Helen78 and Cesare. This fic was written with the authors' permission and knowledge that many elements of the original concept were adjusted to fit my own universe.)

Fic:
Archive of Our Own
or
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Fanmix:
Lesson of Building High Walls by [livejournal.com profile] alexander_tango
dancinbutterfly: (MCR - Hero!Bob - No Bullshit)
Title: Bound to the Beat
Band(s): My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy
Pairing(s): Bob/Patrick (Bob/Brian, Bob/OMC, Patrick/Anna, Patrick/Brendon, nonromantic Pete/Patrick, Gerard/Brian, Mikey/Pete, Ryan/Spencer, Jamia/Frank)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 37,400
Warnings: Innate Dominant/submissive identities, soulbonding, prescription drug use and misuse in conjunction with soulbonds, consent issues discussed in regards to soulbonding, reference to canon suicide attempt, BDSM, minor OC character death, still-a-band!AU, a Will who is NOT William Beckett.
Summary: In a near canon world where orientation refers to dominance or submission, not sexuality, almost everyone has a soulmate that is supposed to complement their personality, biology, orientation and heart. Most people look forward to the day when the psionic bond sparks into existence, connecting them to their other halves. However, a trauma left Bob wanting anything but the bond he sees as a dangerous trap, and he takes matters in his own hands to chemically prevent his bond from effecting him. Patrick doesn't know what he did wrong but he knows that for some reason, his soulmate has rejected him and he has to learn to live with that. Between their pasts, their bands, and their hopes, neither of them expects end up where they do - so close with so much distance still between them. (Inspired by the Bound and Determined universe created by Helen78 and Cesare. This fic was written with the authors' permission and knowledge that many elements of the original concept were adjusted to fit my own universe.)

Fic:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Fanmix:
Lesson of Building High Walls by [livejournal.com profile] alexander_tango

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