dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Well I have exactly 10 days until I am done with my first semester of graduate school. I finished my hardest paper and now have two to go. One I'm supremely confident about. The other one not so much but that class has a lot more grades so I'm a lot less worried.

I got back in touch with Paul this semester and I think its made a world of difference. I'm less lonely and more grounded and just better. I wish I had more friends like him but some people are one in a million.

I'm having and insane amount of sex though. Insane. I hooked up with five people Wednesday. 4 men and a woman. I dont know what I'm doing besides embracing my slutty side. She's a wide one, Slut!Rachael. She likes to get banged. It helps her sleep. IDEK. SAFE SEX ALWAYS so dont worry about that but I'm really taking to the adage that women can fuck like men, you know? It's fun.

Anywho if I get through this semester with passing grades I'm getting a tattoo in honor of Dolores. I decided it ages ago and its a little heart she drew but I'm going to get it on my wrist with her hand writing possibly writing the words "we carry on." because in my life it all comes back to my chem doesnt it?

Most of all I missed all yall but I'm still reading. Sorry for the silence. I'll try to do better. Love you all.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Got an appointment with Marlee tomorrow. Yeah. Getting shit done. I refuse to sit in my mental state kthnx. Also its february 4th so I moved a couple Talk Meme topics around as I already posted pretty much every day this month but hey, still room for topics if you want them.

Also to the people who commented that you are out there? Don't be shy. Hi is enough. I will say hi back. The only way to bring giving a shit back to DW/LJ is for us to, well, give a shit.

So.

Lets give a shit.

Also, I have a secret. I havent told anyone. Not even my mom or my internet friends or even Marlee. Its not a bad one or a big one. I'm just...keeping it. It is a challenge. I kind of like it. It's a test.

I'm smoking more than I have since I left treatment though. It's my trade with myself. You may smoke but you have to go outside for the first Black and Mild of the day. For the second, you have to take a walk. For the third, you have to take an even longer walk. I didn't claim said my system makes sense. I'm just trying to get out of bed. This got me all the way into the back yard half an hour ago morning. Thats a big fucking deal.

I also know I'm in a bad way because I have pulled out My Chemical Romance, Panic At the Disco, and Fall Out Boy's old stuff and have it on repeat. That is my "this band wants to save your life" music.

Family wise, I have disconnected from my mom in a big way. She and I reached an enmeshment place so tightly knitted that I can't even look at her. So I'm taking what I can from other family. I'm wearing the hoodies my sister gave me from Chicago and her gradschool and they make me feel a little bit loved. I've been wearing my late sister's scarf compulsively and spending hours on the couch my grandmother left me(but everything in my room is my grandmother's almost which is kind of good)

The strange thing is that I miss my dad a lot right now. Like a really large amount. The tired hurting little girl in me just really wants her daddy and my stepdad is great and usually fills the void because he is amazing but he isnt cutting it. For those of you who are new-ish here, click one of the dad related tags below to find out why that is a bad, insane thing.

Love

Mar. 24th, 2013 04:36 am
dancinbutterfly: (FOB - Mikey/Pete)
Some motherfucker thought it would be okay to plagerize my fic You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison. If you've known me since 2010 or before, you probably know how much of me and my early depression went into that story and the sequels because you were around for the process. If you knew me after, you know how proud I am of it because it changed what I thought I was capable of. It's one of the boldest, scariest, best things I've done in bandom and in my writing in general and that piece of shit thought it was okay to Find+Replace the names and turn it into a Supernatural fic that didnt even make sense.

It was heartbreaking and infuriating not just to me but to the women who held my hand and spent hours at five a clock in the morning and one in the afternoon talking with me about the process and listening to me bitch and letting me spam them. It's a podfic project now. I'm working on another sequel fic for someone as a part of the car-auction payments. To say this story is a huge part of my life is an understatement and it was violated.

Bottom line? Not okay.

What was amazing is that you guys came out of the woodwork for me. From people I've never seen around bandom before, let alone me, my journal and my fic to people I've known since the beginning of my baby bandom days - came out to get my back, spread the word of what happened and come to my defense. The stolen version was off AO3 before I got home from work because of you guys. Twitter spread it, the work itself was flooded with comment, the stop-plagerism com had a post, and it even got mentioned on tumblr. I didn't even have make a post of my own about it because other people in bandom did it for me, and then signal boosted it.

I was wounded and all of you amazing people came to my aid. You guys protected me. You fought for me. You took care of me. You loved me.

I spend 90% of my time here in Georgia alone except for my mom and her boyfriend. I sometimes feel like I dont have any real friends because of that and then something like this happens and I remember, yes I fucking do. I have amazing beautiful loving friends all over the planet who will go to bat for me in a literal minute. Just because I cant go to the movies with you or out to dinner doesnt change that.

I say this a little more than twenty-four hours after we lost one of our big three, my personal true love in My Chemical Romance ending, but I am so fucking grateful. I'm so grateful through my devastation at this loss because thanks to knowing them I get to know all you and nothing is more valuable to me than that. Not even the music.

So mostly, I wanted to say thank you and holy shit do I love you guys back. I love you so much that sometimes it makes me cry a little. Or a lot. Thank you all for being you. Thank you for being my friends. Thank you for reminding me that there's a world of people who care about me, even if you are scattered and sometimes digital. Prisonverse and what happened means a lot to me. What you guys did for me and what that says means so much more.

FIC NOTICE!

Mar. 1st, 2013 06:34 pm
dancinbutterfly: (Hunger Games - Let the Games Begin)
I am locking down Sweetbreads and Sweet Nothings as I, uh, kinda wanna try and turn it into a full blown horror novel and it needs to not be on the internet as it is, especially since I'm going to do a huge overhaul anyway. I'm leaving it up for 24 hours so you can grab a copy if you like it. It's here on DW and LJ and on AO3.

HOWEVER!!! If you copy it to you HD, it needs to not show up on the internet EVER AGAIN. It's my intellectual property - there are countless people here who can back me up on this fact including the fact that I will not be deleting the page itself just making it so only I can access it - so if it shows up, yeah. Exactly. Sorry for the short notice but my week has been fucked up and broken and I'm making serious decisions. I dont regret them at all but I mean them ALL.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
- I can has a job! I'm officially a substitute teachers. Mostly I tell 11-13 olds to be quiet, sit down, dont touch that, no you may not go to the bathroom, no i dont care what your teacher normally does because this is what we're doing today, no you may not work in groups, and if you're going to talk to me you can look me in the eye because thats what civilized people do when they have a verbal discourse. Then I get to move them to different seats around the room, write their names down, send them to different teachers or call an administrator to come "deal with them."

However, there are shining moments when I get to teach, though its not always related to the subject matter. I got to stop a a kid in a social studies class who told someone they were worthless and should kill themselves and tell them and the rest of the class why they should never, EVER, talk like that using my life and my loss as an example. In a math class, after overhearing a small argument, I broke it up then I explained why calling a guy a "girl" to insult him along with any other feminine based insult is actually degrading to women and lowering both them as men and as human beings and showing the girls that yes, this is a bigger problem than it looks like. That same class I also explained what a parallelogram is and how its different from a rhombus to a problem case who was giving me tzurus ten minutes before but is sitting with me at the desk taking rapt notes now because I have answers in a different way of describing it than his math teacher did.

And sometimes, like today, you have a horrible day where the kids curse and storm out and cuss at each other and actually cheer when you leave but then, in your last period - there's a tiny moment of light. They're doing a packet on Leonardo da Vinci and when they're done they ask "well now what do we do?" Read? Draw? Talk very quietly amongst yourselves? Or we could talk about da Vinci and how he wasnt just an artist but also a crazy genius who designed things a crazy death scythe chariot, a machine gun, and robots. Most of the class chose to do the first three but I had one boy come from the VERY back of the class, with his chair, set it down in front of me and say "Tell me more about Da Vinci." And in the 20 minutes left in class I covered with this kid - iconographic art and the transition to more realistic renaissance portraiture and scenes(ala the last supper), the advent of the printing press, medieval medicine, the limited understanding of the human body, the value of the vitruvian man, the working helicopter models da Vinci came up with, and how on top of being a genius, this was the point in history when people were starting to realize that the world around them was bigger than just their homes and neighbors. He sat there, when he could've been in the back with his friends chatting, with me talking about these historical things, and at the end of the class wanted to know more to the point that I got to direct him to the library. That one kid made my whole freaking day worth getting up for. Well that and the money, obvs. :P

-Everybody holding up okay after MikeyWaygate2013? Man. That could've been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend. Seriously Mikey - what what what are you doing? Look at your life, look at your choices. Sucks that its happening because the two of them were always so....lovely when I saw them together. I'm not judging because DBT teaches no judgement and I'm trying to practice that. I still love this band a stupid degree. Doesnt affect the way I look at them as artists although I'm less physically attracted to Mikey now. Mostly, I feel markedly bad for Alicia because she was nothing but kind and friendly to me every time we met. If she was anything near as nice to her friends as she was to a strange little fangirl like me, then she definitely doesnt deserve this kind of hurt. So for that, I has a sad :(

-My mom is far less verbally abusive and is almost back to normal. Like she was possessed - Supernatural style - and Sam and Dean snuck in and exorcised her without me noticing. YAY! Avoiding her is really helping but she's more relaxed now I've got a job. My dad is still mindfucking her over the divorce stuff (even though they signed the papers 10 years ago - they're still in court. Yeah.) That should be getting closer to the end soon. The trial is next month. My sister is currently in town. BEHOLD! A PICTURE OF US! I am the heavy set one in stripes. She is the beautiful one. Seriously. Very glad she's here but there's now 3 of us in 2 bedrooms. *facepalm* this apartment isnt built for that.
picture )

-Mental health: waxes and wanes. The very best way to get ahold of me is to chat with me via gchat, aim, yim etc because when I get low, I dont post here on LJ or DW for weeks because of, well, the depression. Then I stick to tumblr where I reblog pictures of Teen Wolf, Avengers, and OUAT characters sometimes with snarky commentary. I'm on a new cocktail and it seems to be working for now though.

-Addicted to Hollyoaks. Like badly. Like - I went back to 2011 and have been watching the full half hour eps in order. Send help?

-For later! I wrote since last we spoke. 2 for The Hour during Yuletide, and at least 3 for Teen Wolf that isn't up here but I'll do an official posty thing for them when its not almost 5am. Also there are TMI sex things I want to blog/talk to you guys about they're long and thinky and TMI so again, not for 5am. This whole area is for next post.

-Things are a hot mess all over - but with my new job, my old crazy, my sister in the house, MikeyWaygate2013, and all the other craziness that is going on in my world (and there's more but its too day-to-day to detail), I signed up for the words and deeds meme and thats my thread. I could use some of this for a push through to the other side to Tuesday (when my sister will have left for Colorado, I dont know why she's going, and my mom will have left for Florida and the trial and will not be getting her negative scary on me).

-Lastly, you guys Warm Bodies comes out Friday in the US. It's a zom-rom-com. Oh yeah. Zombie romantic comedy. If you can go see it, please do. We want this one to do well so it will encourage the studios to make smarter more interesting movies rather than the same crap over and over. Plus, John Malkovich is in it, and along with Nicholas Hoult(the kid from About A Boy who grew up, got hot, and then was on Skins) and Rob Cordry as zombies yes.
dancinbutterfly: (Hunger Games - Salute)
Sometimes I think about Dolores and am just...stunned she's not in the world anymore. It's been just over 5 months. I just keep having these times when I'm blindsided by how deeply I'm effected. It knocks the wind out of me - what she did, how angry I am, how heartbroken, how bereft. I look at my family and wonder if they're okay - if they're feeling like I am, like something's been hollowed out and scraped away. I dont know. It's hard to tell to be frank. My mom doesnt talk much about her and my bio sister and I talk so rarely I cant even begin to guess.

I think part of it is the fact that My Chemical Romance's new tracks were leaked. Boy Divison and Tomorrow's Money has NOTHING to do with her but those boys, that band - they remind me that I can feel, that I DO feel. Releasing something new reminds me that they exist, that they're real and solid and for some reason it brings into shocking contrast that Dolores DOESNT anymore. I love My Chemical Romance even more for this. I really do.

I ache. I cry. But goddamnit I can feel this pain. A year ago, when I was in the hospital - I was so sick that I COULDNT feel. Now I can and I'm so grateful for that. I can't really articulate how much.
dancinbutterfly: (MCR - Hero!Bob - No Bullshit)
Title: Bound to the Beat
Band(s): My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy
Pairing(s): Bob/Patrick (Bob/Brian, Bob/OMC, Patrick/Anna, Patrick/Brendon, nonromantic Pete/Patrick, Gerard/Brian, Mikey/Pete, Ryan/Spencer, Jamia/Frank)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 37,400
Warnings: Innate Dominant/submissive identities, soulbonding, prescription drug use and misuse in conjunction with soulbonds, consent issues discussed in regards to soulbonding, reference to canon suicide attempt, BDSM, minor OC character death, still-a-band!AU, a Will who is NOT William Beckett.
Summary: In a near canon world where orientation refers to dominance or submission, not sexuality, almost everyone has a soulmate that is supposed to complement their personality, biology, orientation and heart. Most people look forward to the day when the psionic bond sparks into existence, connecting them to their other halves. However, a trauma left Bob wanting anything but the bond he sees as a dangerous trap, and he takes matters in his own hands to chemically prevent his bond from effecting him. Patrick doesn't know what he did wrong but he knows that for some reason, his soulmate has rejected him and he has to learn to live with that. Between their pasts, their bands, and their hopes, neither of them expects end up where they do - so close with so much distance still between them. (Inspired by the Bound and Determined universe created by Helen78 and Cesare. This fic was written with the authors' permission and knowledge that many elements of the original concept were adjusted to fit my own universe.)

Fic:
Archive of Our Own
or
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Fanmix:
Lesson of Building High Walls by [livejournal.com profile] alexander_tango
dancinbutterfly: (MCR - Hero!Bob - No Bullshit)
Title: Bound to the Beat
Band(s): My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy
Pairing(s): Bob/Patrick (Bob/Brian, Bob/OMC, Patrick/Anna, Patrick/Brendon, nonromantic Pete/Patrick, Gerard/Brian, Mikey/Pete, Ryan/Spencer, Jamia/Frank)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 37,400
Warnings: Innate Dominant/submissive identities, soulbonding, prescription drug use and misuse in conjunction with soulbonds, consent issues discussed in regards to soulbonding, reference to canon suicide attempt, BDSM, minor OC character death, still-a-band!AU, a Will who is NOT William Beckett.
Summary: In a near canon world where orientation refers to dominance or submission, not sexuality, almost everyone has a soulmate that is supposed to complement their personality, biology, orientation and heart. Most people look forward to the day when the psionic bond sparks into existence, connecting them to their other halves. However, a trauma left Bob wanting anything but the bond he sees as a dangerous trap, and he takes matters in his own hands to chemically prevent his bond from effecting him. Patrick doesn't know what he did wrong but he knows that for some reason, his soulmate has rejected him and he has to learn to live with that. Between their pasts, their bands, and their hopes, neither of them expects end up where they do - so close with so much distance still between them. (Inspired by the Bound and Determined universe created by Helen78 and Cesare. This fic was written with the authors' permission and knowledge that many elements of the original concept were adjusted to fit my own universe.)

Fic:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Fanmix:
Lesson of Building High Walls by [livejournal.com profile] alexander_tango

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