dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So back in September there was a giant clusterfuck with my insurance not recognizing my disability and not being able to afford my meds. I went through withdrawal and everything. My mom and I spent a solid week on the phone working to get put back on. Now, two months later, a letter came in the mail stating due to my disability - I'm officially covered on my mom's insurance until January 1st 2024. HALLELUJAH!

For those of you outside the USA with socialized healthcare let me explain what this means. It means that until I'm 37 no matter what happens, I have health insurance and can get health care without worrying about it breaking me financially. Til I finish graduate school and get my career moving, I dont have to fear losing my psych meds or getting sick. I can just live. It's a huge relief. I'm protected. I'm safe.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Got an appointment with Marlee tomorrow. Yeah. Getting shit done. I refuse to sit in my mental state kthnx. Also its february 4th so I moved a couple Talk Meme topics around as I already posted pretty much every day this month but hey, still room for topics if you want them.

Also to the people who commented that you are out there? Don't be shy. Hi is enough. I will say hi back. The only way to bring giving a shit back to DW/LJ is for us to, well, give a shit.


Lets give a shit.

Also, I have a secret. I havent told anyone. Not even my mom or my internet friends or even Marlee. Its not a bad one or a big one. I'm just...keeping it. It is a challenge. I kind of like it. It's a test.

I'm smoking more than I have since I left treatment though. It's my trade with myself. You may smoke but you have to go outside for the first Black and Mild of the day. For the second, you have to take a walk. For the third, you have to take an even longer walk. I didn't claim said my system makes sense. I'm just trying to get out of bed. This got me all the way into the back yard half an hour ago morning. Thats a big fucking deal.

I also know I'm in a bad way because I have pulled out My Chemical Romance, Panic At the Disco, and Fall Out Boy's old stuff and have it on repeat. That is my "this band wants to save your life" music.

Family wise, I have disconnected from my mom in a big way. She and I reached an enmeshment place so tightly knitted that I can't even look at her. So I'm taking what I can from other family. I'm wearing the hoodies my sister gave me from Chicago and her gradschool and they make me feel a little bit loved. I've been wearing my late sister's scarf compulsively and spending hours on the couch my grandmother left me(but everything in my room is my grandmother's almost which is kind of good)

The strange thing is that I miss my dad a lot right now. Like a really large amount. The tired hurting little girl in me just really wants her daddy and my stepdad is great and usually fills the void because he is amazing but he isnt cutting it. For those of you who are new-ish here, click one of the dad related tags below to find out why that is a bad, insane thing.
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)

I dont know what exactly but there is something wrong. I'm using my anti-anxiety meds more regularly than I ever have. The cocktail is not right. I need to go back to work. My mom needs me to. I can't. I do not trust myself around children. I don't trust myself around anything more than house work. Sustained illness triggered my PTSD and the storm locked it in the on position I think. Hypervigilance, right Teen Wolf fandom?

Today I found out the test I took to qualify me to teach middle grades english was the wrong one. There are 2 - one that is state specific and one called the PRAXIS both of which function out of the same website ETS.ORG. The sign up webpages look exactly the same. The tests are given at the same center. The cost is the same. They are proctored by the same company and use the same log-in. Both offer middle grades language arts qualification exams. The difference is that PRAXIS covers qualification for 30 but is Georgia not one of them. I took the wrong one - guess how that happened (I'll give you a hint - three days of figuring and refiguring out how the website works and my payments not going through twice are part of it)

Bottom line: I took a test that is absolutely. Freaking. Useless. I cant take the actual GACE for my subjects until MARCH. I dont know exactly how I'm supposed to apply for Middle School English jobs when I dont have the qualifications. Its a mystery.

It's a last push that I can't actually handle when combined with my anxiety. I do not trust myself with the care and supervision of students. That's the point of why I took substituting. I needed to be able to have the freedom to get my shit together when things were unbalanced so that's what I'm going to do.

Sally fucking forth I guess.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)

I'm sorry wrong report. I'm still sick. We're entering WEEK THREE. I'm going to repeat that: WEEK. THREE. I havent left the house to do anything but go to doctors office since July. Everything I was building has eroded because I dont have the energy or strength to work on it. I don't hurt too severely - but thats because I'm on Lortab, Zofran, and Bentyl for pain, nausea, and spasms every four hours on the dot(with the exception of when I'm asleep at which point I take meds as soon as I wake up). I've been on a liquid diet for TEN DAYS. I've recently moved up to toast and bananas so VICTORY!

I'm exhausted and its enfuriating because I'm not doing anything. I'm also not getting any answers. I had to fast 5 times last week. Its horrible and thirst enducing. Then there are all these could-be false ends. Thursday they thought it was the gallbladder and sent me to a surgeon and everything. But the surgeon sent me home with a "Nope. It's not. Enjoy your weekend. Have fun at your doctor's office on Monday because illnesses take weekends off."

I may have lost my shit and cried in his office. It's possible. I pulled out My Chemical Romance to help me cope for the first time in a very long time. I havent needed them as a crutch in ages but they still hold me up and its good to know that still works when nothing else does.

I can't even watch most TV. Plots and feelings are too much because I feel too shitty. I can read some fanfic and I'm writing a shockingly large amount on one story which I'm currently calling The Gangbang Derek Fic(because Derek and Stiles meet while Derek is at the center of a gangbang in a bathhouse - trust me, it makes sense in the context of the fic and its actually kind of the sweetest love story I've written in ages) but mostly just...Project Runway, Face Off, and every cooking competition on earth because I have food fantasies that are just aggressively intense since I stopped being able to eat.

And no end in sight.

I dont want to be sick anymore. I just got my brain better. Why does my body think its okay to turn on me now?
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So, I had the endoscopy yesterday. It took an incredibly long time to get seen. My pain level was high and the dehydration was so bad from pre-op fasting I could barely walk. They had to help me around I was so weak. The procedure didn't even find out what the real problem is. I have gastritis and esophagitis(inflammation and irritation of the esophagus, stomach, and intestines) but Dr. Han, my GI, says thats not was causing the real problem.

On the upside, the anesthesiologist asked what I was listening to on my iPod and when I said Fall Out Boy he said "We can listen to that!" He then pulled them up on his phone and played them in the operating room until they finally knocked me out, three and a half songs later(Dance Dance, This Ain't a Scene, My Songs, part of Sugar We're Going Down). Ah, bandom. You are still providing me solace in my hour of need, you really are, God love you.

Today I had an ultrasound. Sounds simple and easy and relatively painless right? Wrong. Since it was over the places that are messed up it hurt like hell. I dont know what they found because Dr. Han has to look at it. I've also got a hidascan coming up but IDEK what the hell that is.

However! I have graduated from clear liquids to dry white bread toast, bananas, smoothies (so long as they use almond or rice milk rather than actual or soy milk and active culture frozen plain vanilla yogurt - not ice cream), and clear soup that has noodles in it! You have no idea guys. This is so awesome I am dying with excitement. I get to have two kind of solids! So fucking awesome.

Anyway, I'm super medicated and even with the change in diet I'm not getting many nutrients so I'm constantly tired and weak. I also can't do any lifting or much moving because of the strain on my body and the post-anesthesia orders. But hey, I'm catching up on a lot of reality tv.
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
Am now fasting before my endoscopy. I am so thirsty I want to cry.

Ironic as I've been hating my liquid diet for the last several days and always always resulting in pain no matter what I consume. I'm so tired because I cant get any real nutrients and I'm in a bad mood because everything tastes the same. I cant even have smoothies with flavors - fruit, peanut butter, chocolate, etc.

Please let this end. Please?
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
So. I had a stomach bug starting on tuesday - the kind where every stomach symptom you can POSSIBLY have - I had. And it continued on Wednesday. And Thursday. But in my family we have a history of gastrointestinal problems a mile long the way some people have the cancer gene so on thursday my mom was like "thats it you're going to my GI doctor." So we went, Dr Han poked around and then said "You need to go to the ER. Now. It could be your gallbadder or appendix or intestines and something could be ruptured. Get a CT scan and go right now." She even wrote me a prescription to give to the triage nurse. YEAH. Lots of morphine, anti-nausea medication, and a saline IV drip later I could at least breathe. Then they brought in a freaking QUART of the foulest yellow liquid EVER MADE which is a contrast dye for the CT scan that I had to drink and 5 hours, a scan, a urinalysis, five vials of blood and a bunch of drugs later I was sent home with the diagnosis of a UTI and that it was possibly gastritis(an inflammation or erosion of the stomach and in my case intestine lining) or severe ulcers right were my stomach and intestine meet.

I was put on a clear liquid diet - this is Thursday mind - and Friday I went to the GI doctor again. She checked more and declared that I needed to stay on the liquid diet, the anti-nausea meds, the opiate pain meds, the antacids, the anti-gas meds, the anti-diahrrea meds, and that on monday I would come in for an endoscapy(which is a full anasthesia procedure) and possible biopsy to find out what exactly is wrong with me. There is no guarantee that after Monday I'll be off liquid dieting(in fact I doubt it). Then on Friday I come back for an ultra-sound because the GI doctor is fairly sure that there is something wrong with my gallbladder on top of this too. Yay.

I feel like hell, in case you were wondering. The fluid diet is killing me. KILLING ME. Killing me. And I hurt and I am so damn tired and my mood is abysmal and I just want it to be over already. Seriously cut me open if thats what it takes. I just want this to be over.

You don't have to give me any sympathetic words. I just needed to rant.

However if you want to help, my bookmarks section on my AO3 account as a lot of bookmarks that say THIS SHOULD BE PODFICCED!" which would be nice because there are many many hours of me lying curled up and fetal with my eyes closed hating everything. Other than that, things just suck in Rachael's body right now and I needed to vent that somewhere.

If you want to see some stuff that doesn't suck check out rachaelkates.tumblr.com to see my interviews from Comic Con. That's actually good.


dancinbutterfly: (Default)

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