So, I saw Marlee yesterday which always a big fat reality check. God I love that woman I really do. She says shit that is REALLY hard for me to hear, about how I tend to cast myself in victim role and blow things out of proportion while at the same time validating my pain and bad situation trying to get to the bottom of things and figure out how to best solve the situation all in the same situation. Like I said, the woman is very good at what she does. I respect her immensely and I adore her because she knows she isn't smarter than me yet cuts through my bullshit anyway. A rare thing to be treasured. It was what I needed.
So what I did first should shock no one at all. I called my psychiatrist Dr. D about the medication. She was not there. When I say not there I mean Not In The Office That Day At All And Wouldn't Be Back Until Tomorrow...Hopefully. My immediate reaction:
Rachael was not a fucking happy Rachael. But the staff at Dr D's office were lovely and helpful and were like "I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. I'll text her and see what I can do but as soon as she gets back we'll make sure she calls you first thing." Never got that at Dr. Ahmad's office. That's Dr. Mohammed Ahmad. *sings* Tell your kids tell your wife & tell your husbands cuz he's givin' crappy health care to everybody out there.
Unfortunately this edict came on the directions that I need to stay awake until 8pm. Sounds easy right? Wrong. Anxiety isnt just a nervous feeling. Its a physical condition. It is your heart beating so fast you can feel it in your ribcage and the veins and arteries, it's your muscles spasming, your hands shaking, your mouth constantly dry, your bones hurting from what your muscles are doing. You cant fight what your body is doing without the meds because I am not a yogi and I dont have those skills. I was a hot goddamn mess.
Needless to say I drifted through rest of the day like this:
However, I managed to communicate these things to my mother in a calm sane rational way laying out the plan and the time frame and my small scale plans and what I COULD do and that I was going to get back to real work as soon as I could but first I had to sort this out but was trying to do. I went out of my way to take care of some household chore stuff whole I was medicated properly though so she could see that I was trying and I think that helped.
Turns out, though, my mom was calling me from a burger place. Would you like one? OMG yes. I cant eat one now because for the first time EVER my depression is killing my appetite but yes I do. Thank you that is actually sweet. Another call twenty minutes later. It's my stepdad. They're getting ice cream. Would you like some? OMG yes. Gah. I dont know what to do with that kind of niceness sometimes after extended periods of crazy. Seriously she needs to not be away from the Step for extended periods. It does bad shit to her brain. This is fact. She's always nicer when he's around because he makes her so happy and that makes her more likely to be open to listening.
Aside from his positive influence, I laid out the list I gave you guys yesterday and she was FLOORED. "I've been trying to get you to do something like that for five years to see how well you're actually doing when you're in the bad places! I'm so proud of you."
And today I got a call from Dr. D personally:
She and I talked symptoms and what I currently have and how much I'm taking. I'll give you a hint: It's too fucking much to be safe. So we laid down what is the maximum amounts and she called in a, thank you Adonai, Lord who reigns in heaven and on earth, sleeping medication so I can sleep for more than 2 hrs at a stretch. So without further ado, the first of todays lists!
Safe dosages Rachael Can Take for Her Anxiety:
400mgs on the vistirl
4mgs on the klonopin
3mgs on the ativan
1 to 2 pills on Trazedone
I'm going to grab food then go outside and have a smoke because I need to be outside. Outside is good. I will take the dog and we will walk and I will smoke and there will be light exercise and it will be a better and I'll be able to put it all on my next list.
And because this is the only appropriate way to end a post like this: