dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Well I have exactly 10 days until I am done with my first semester of graduate school. I finished my hardest paper and now have two to go. One I'm supremely confident about. The other one not so much but that class has a lot more grades so I'm a lot less worried.

I got back in touch with Paul this semester and I think its made a world of difference. I'm less lonely and more grounded and just better. I wish I had more friends like him but some people are one in a million.

I'm having and insane amount of sex though. Insane. I hooked up with five people Wednesday. 4 men and a woman. I dont know what I'm doing besides embracing my slutty side. She's a wide one, Slut!Rachael. She likes to get banged. It helps her sleep. IDEK. SAFE SEX ALWAYS so dont worry about that but I'm really taking to the adage that women can fuck like men, you know? It's fun.

Anywho if I get through this semester with passing grades I'm getting a tattoo in honor of Dolores. I decided it ages ago and its a little heart she drew but I'm going to get it on my wrist with her hand writing possibly writing the words "we carry on." because in my life it all comes back to my chem doesnt it?

Most of all I missed all yall but I'm still reading. Sorry for the silence. I'll try to do better. Love you all.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)

this was my morning - pretty awesome for a florida girl

i cannot stop refreshing the google news feed about Atlanta. its getting to be compulsive. maybe that's ridiculous but my brain wont let it lie. my disaster ptsd buttons are pushed. i have come to the conclusion that the buttons are never going to go away. i think that's okay. that's what surviving means - you get left with buttons. the buttons saved you. this time my buttons kept im safe and sound in my house instead of trapped in a car for 9-12-22hours or locked in a school or grocery store overnight. i can walk barefoot in the powder snow in my backyard instead. that is so much better and i have benzos for the rest of it.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
I used my Gone With The Wind Atlanta icon cuz it snowed here in Atlanta! Doesnt make up for my earlier hurt feelings at all but so cool. On the other hand, Atlanta is in complete fucking chaos due to an inch of snow the storm has brought in. Hundreds of people are stuck in their cars and have been for more than 12 hours, students and teachers are trapped at schools and in school buses. It's a mad house at 16°F (-9°C), or as my Canadian friends call it, a pleasant spring day. Everyone is upset and freaked out and there are shelters and its crazines.

I am home in my bed because here's the thing: The news has been talking about this storm for three fucking days. Three. They said "This storm will be here in the afternoon on Tuesday and it will probably lay down an inch of snow!" and guess what? It arrived in the afternoon and laid down an inch of snow.

So...why the fuck is everyone surprised? I think it's because I grew up in Hurricane Alley, but when you get a severe weather advisory, you take the advice. We bought bottled water two days ago. We've had the water on to prevent pipe freezing since this morning. We went grocery shopping yesterday and had already cancelled all our plans so we would be home today - because we got a severe weather warning THREE DAYS AGO.

Like...I straight up do not understand. So many people had a chance to heed the warning and didnt - in particular the city government and its suburbs. Why were the schools open? Why were the roads not salted? YOU HAD THREE DAYS YOU GUYS TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. THREE DAYS! YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST DONE A LITTLE.

In hurricane country by this time, you're already two states away at your cousins/friend from college/brother's boss's sister-in-law's place and waiting out the storm. Even if you stay and ride it out, you've boarded up your windows or locked your storm shutters, filled the tub, bought enough water to last you two weeks, got nonperishable food and possibly a generator if you can afford it.

I just don't get it. I just dont.

(also, there are still lots of places on the Talk Meme for February. Please feel free to go ask me questions. Curious about hurricanes? Evacuations? Growing up on a barrier island? Go ask there! Or ask something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! You can still ask questions though, is what Im basically saying.)
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
Let me tell you a fairytale that won't be in any of the books. Goes like this:

In the land known as The Deep South there was a Girl with a Fairy Godmother who took care of her when things went to shit and helped her believe that Good Things Do Happen. When the Girl's grandmother was dying, the Fairy Godmother used Live Nation to send her tickets to a Fall Out Boy show because the death of the Girl's grandmother made her miss the first one. The Girl was very grateful because this band was one of those Good Things Do Happen occurrences in her life and she loved her Fairy Godmother for helping her to get her there. Over the course of months, with her Fairy Godmother's support(and lots of therapy and other stuff) the Girl actually became social enough that she was all set to go to the Concert the Fairy Godmother had procured for her WITH A GROUP OF NEW FRIENDS she had made ALL BY HERSELF! *gasp* It was something of a momentous occasion. But when she went to get the ticket, she noticed a problem she hadn't seen before - the ticket was only for parking - so the Girl called The Ticketmaster and was kept waiting on Holdline of Epic Torment and was told by The Ticketmaster that lo, despite the Fairy Godmother's powerful magic, the actual concert ticket was paperless and therefore could not be transferred and transfers of Live Nation paperless tickets was forbidden according to the laws of the realm. In fact the law was so strict the guards at the gate of the castle where the Concert would be held check IDs against tickets and so there was nothing the Girl could do but surrender to her defeat. She couldn't travel anyway as her mother's boyfriend's chariot was blocking her's in the garage. So the Girl's new friends had to go on without her and she was left to spend yet another saturday alone in her basement, watching bad reality TV and feeling guilty for letting people down.

The End.
Suck it Grimm Bros.


Cry on the couch all the poets come to life
Its like the universe doesnt want me to see Fall Out Boy play together or something.
I've got headaches and bad luck
This the third time something has stopped me. Third. Jesus.
I've got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT: GENERALISSIMO FREDRICO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD!

I'm sorry wrong report. I'm still sick. We're entering WEEK THREE. I'm going to repeat that: WEEK. THREE. I havent left the house to do anything but go to doctors office since July. Everything I was building has eroded because I dont have the energy or strength to work on it. I don't hurt too severely - but thats because I'm on Lortab, Zofran, and Bentyl for pain, nausea, and spasms every four hours on the dot(with the exception of when I'm asleep at which point I take meds as soon as I wake up). I've been on a liquid diet for TEN DAYS. I've recently moved up to toast and bananas so VICTORY!

I'm exhausted and its enfuriating because I'm not doing anything. I'm also not getting any answers. I had to fast 5 times last week. Its horrible and thirst enducing. Then there are all these could-be false ends. Thursday they thought it was the gallbladder and sent me to a surgeon and everything. But the surgeon sent me home with a "Nope. It's not. Enjoy your weekend. Have fun at your doctor's office on Monday because illnesses take weekends off."

I may have lost my shit and cried in his office. It's possible. I pulled out My Chemical Romance to help me cope for the first time in a very long time. I havent needed them as a crutch in ages but they still hold me up and its good to know that still works when nothing else does.

I can't even watch most TV. Plots and feelings are too much because I feel too shitty. I can read some fanfic and I'm writing a shockingly large amount on one story which I'm currently calling The Gangbang Derek Fic(because Derek and Stiles meet while Derek is at the center of a gangbang in a bathhouse - trust me, it makes sense in the context of the fic and its actually kind of the sweetest love story I've written in ages) but mostly just...Project Runway, Face Off, and every cooking competition on earth because I have food fantasies that are just aggressively intense since I stopped being able to eat.

And no end in sight.

I dont want to be sick anymore. I just got my brain better. Why does my body think its okay to turn on me now?
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So, I had the endoscopy yesterday. It took an incredibly long time to get seen. My pain level was high and the dehydration was so bad from pre-op fasting I could barely walk. They had to help me around I was so weak. The procedure didn't even find out what the real problem is. I have gastritis and esophagitis(inflammation and irritation of the esophagus, stomach, and intestines) but Dr. Han, my GI, says thats not was causing the real problem.

On the upside, the anesthesiologist asked what I was listening to on my iPod and when I said Fall Out Boy he said "We can listen to that!" He then pulled them up on his phone and played them in the operating room until they finally knocked me out, three and a half songs later(Dance Dance, This Ain't a Scene, My Songs, part of Sugar We're Going Down). Ah, bandom. You are still providing me solace in my hour of need, you really are, God love you.

Today I had an ultrasound. Sounds simple and easy and relatively painless right? Wrong. Since it was over the places that are messed up it hurt like hell. I dont know what they found because Dr. Han has to look at it. I've also got a hidascan coming up but IDEK what the hell that is.

However! I have graduated from clear liquids to dry white bread toast, bananas, smoothies (so long as they use almond or rice milk rather than actual or soy milk and active culture frozen plain vanilla yogurt - not ice cream), and clear soup that has noodles in it! You have no idea guys. This is so awesome I am dying with excitement. I get to have two kind of solids! So fucking awesome.

Anyway, I'm super medicated and even with the change in diet I'm not getting many nutrients so I'm constantly tired and weak. I also can't do any lifting or much moving because of the strain on my body and the post-anesthesia orders. But hey, I'm catching up on a lot of reality tv.
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
Am now fasting before my endoscopy. I am so thirsty I want to cry.

Ironic as I've been hating my liquid diet for the last several days and always always resulting in pain no matter what I consume. I'm so tired because I cant get any real nutrients and I'm in a bad mood because everything tastes the same. I cant even have smoothies with flavors - fruit, peanut butter, chocolate, etc.

Please let this end. Please?
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
So. I had a stomach bug starting on tuesday - the kind where every stomach symptom you can POSSIBLY have - I had. And it continued on Wednesday. And Thursday. But in my family we have a history of gastrointestinal problems a mile long the way some people have the cancer gene so on thursday my mom was like "thats it you're going to my GI doctor." So we went, Dr Han poked around and then said "You need to go to the ER. Now. It could be your gallbadder or appendix or intestines and something could be ruptured. Get a CT scan and go right now." She even wrote me a prescription to give to the triage nurse. YEAH. Lots of morphine, anti-nausea medication, and a saline IV drip later I could at least breathe. Then they brought in a freaking QUART of the foulest yellow liquid EVER MADE which is a contrast dye for the CT scan that I had to drink and 5 hours, a scan, a urinalysis, five vials of blood and a bunch of drugs later I was sent home with the diagnosis of a UTI and that it was possibly gastritis(an inflammation or erosion of the stomach and in my case intestine lining) or severe ulcers right were my stomach and intestine meet.

I was put on a clear liquid diet - this is Thursday mind - and Friday I went to the GI doctor again. She checked more and declared that I needed to stay on the liquid diet, the anti-nausea meds, the opiate pain meds, the antacids, the anti-gas meds, the anti-diahrrea meds, and that on monday I would come in for an endoscapy(which is a full anasthesia procedure) and possible biopsy to find out what exactly is wrong with me. There is no guarantee that after Monday I'll be off liquid dieting(in fact I doubt it). Then on Friday I come back for an ultra-sound because the GI doctor is fairly sure that there is something wrong with my gallbladder on top of this too. Yay.

I feel like hell, in case you were wondering. The fluid diet is killing me. KILLING ME. Killing me. And I hurt and I am so damn tired and my mood is abysmal and I just want it to be over already. Seriously cut me open if thats what it takes. I just want this to be over.

You don't have to give me any sympathetic words. I just needed to rant.

However if you want to help, my bookmarks section on my AO3 account as a lot of bookmarks that say THIS SHOULD BE PODFICCED!" which would be nice because there are many many hours of me lying curled up and fetal with my eyes closed hating everything. Other than that, things just suck in Rachael's body right now and I needed to vent that somewhere.

If you want to see some stuff that doesn't suck check out rachaelkates.tumblr.com to see my interviews from Comic Con. That's actually good.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
I'm home in Atlanta. Thank fuck. Lord willing and the crick don' rise, I will never have to back to Florida(please please please G-d). The funeral was...I gave the eulogy. When I wasnt giving the eulogy, I was livetweeting the funeral. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. If you're curious, search for #livefromthefuneral because oh my god it was just - ugh. No. Just no. The parts of me that are involved in grieving were not engaged.

Also my mom and sister kept telling me how I should behave. What the actual fuck. I'm one of the primary mourners. So you cry hysterically. Thats okay but my hysterical laughter isnt? It's releasing the exact fucking emotion, mine just feels better. I was, by the way, hysterically laughing in the limo - I kept finding Archer references to things [i.e. the trip to the cemetery was "so boring and forever taking"] and discussion of how much we(my mother and I) dislike the Boca Raton area. The conversation went as follows:

Mom: Welcome to Tamarac formerly-
Me: -known as the everglades. Ugh.
Mom: Well, you know, some people like it? I guess? That's a nice drainage ditch over there...
Me: If I had to choose would rather die in Somalia by a gunshot wound to the head from a warlord and be buried there than die and be buried here in south Florida.
Mom: Nope. No Rachael, I'd rather be here with my ex-husband AND my ex in-laws than in Somalia with a warlord.
*cue hysterical laughter on my part because oh my god you guys, you dont understand how much she dislikes my dad now and how badly his parents treated her - you really dont*
Me: No I think you missed part of it. I said I'd rather die there than die in south Florida. And I definitely would rather be buried there than here. I've got no active desire to go to Somalia at the moment.
Mom: Oh well. *shrug* Okay then.
Me: Well I've got nothing against Somalia itself, unlike this place, and it's got a lower chance of sinking into the ocean like Atlantis when the glaciers melt and also I've heard its fairly mineral rich. Also, it's not south Florida.
Mom: No it is not.
Me:Point of this is - don't bury me down here.
Mom: Don't bury me down here either.

Other death and dad related things - did you know my mom went to a lawyer and got it in writing that if all 4 of us were to die all at once, she was NOT to be buried next to my dad? She got in the same writing that I was to be buried the FARTHEST from him? She got both of these things written and set up because, she said, she didn't want her and I to be next to him so he could torture us for eternity but my sister can handle him which is why she'd go between him and my mom. OH THE THINGS YOU LEARN.

Burying my grandmother was kind of strange too, although I'm glad she wasn't cremated. It's not the Jewish way for one but for another, it means she gets to be next to Papa forever. That's how it should be. The burial itself though... everyone was just - again this is just not where my heart is for grief. I live on gallows humor so someone - my aunt I think - noticed that the coffin had a tag or something on it. The 3 of them(mom, aunt, d-bag uncle) started to get upset and I go "Grammy worked in retail her whole life. She'd love that it has a tag." so they dont freak out but also because I think its funny and I think its true. Like I said, that's not where my heart lives.

My heart lives in the fact that I'm doing the walk back to the car - which in Jewish tradition has a GAUNTLET OF CONDOLENCES - and this man who was in my mom/uncle/aunts youth takes my hand and goes "I'm so sorry for your loss. You gave a lovely speech. I'm ______. I went to high school with your dad. I mean your uncle." Yeah, I got into the limo to lose my shit over that because all of my family is broken but of all of our shattered and missing pieces - my father is the only piece out of my family because he treated me so badly for so long. I have never met any of his friends from high school. I couldn't call him when she died. I can't call him on father's day because it'll open the door for me to get hurt more. I hurt over him at Grammy's funeral which, to quote Hyperbole and a Half - no....she wanted the opposite of this. Like I said - woman had no saliva and spit on him in her last days and told me not to listen to or care for him. Yet there I was, crying over him being missing at HER funeral. Argh. Frustrating.

I also find myself mourning harder for Dolores every time I think of Grammy. They knew each other. They liked each other a lot. Dolores should've fucking outlived Grammy. How did she NOT outlive Grammy? When grief hits me over my grandmother, it kicks the Dolores grief back on because the "dying peacefully in her sleep with her daughter and granddaughter with her in her sleep at 82" death makes sense and is something I can cope with but "dead by her own hand at 24 leaving behind a daughter with no mother" is fucking insane and I can't deal with it. I get thrown there every damn time too. So there's THAT to deal with.

Anyway. So. She left me all her movie den and movie stuff yes? I mentioned that. Well I really lost it when I walked into the movie den and saw this room that was basically Grammy in a nutshell. I had to call for my mom because I lost it so hard. Things like that are where I cry - not funerals.

My goodbye was not the funeral. My goodbye was much earlier. We found her passport in a lockbox with her money and important papers etc so we could pay bills and such. My mom, my sister and my cousin Caty(who is a nurse and who was caring for her too) are looking through the things and I asked "Can I have her passport? I'm going to go put it under her pillow. I mean, you know, last trip." because those of you who have been around me for awhile know that I have a strong wanderlust. Theres nothing like getting a new stamp in those pages. You're somewhere else, somewhere new, you've moved and have the passport to prove that you have and more importantly - that you CAN get up and go. I wanted her to have that with her - sort of like coins on the eyes for the ferryman almost. Putting that under her pillow and saying goodbye like that was it for me. I went into the bathroom(because zero space or privacy) with my ipod and phone and just cried in the semi-dark for awhile.

I got a lot of her clothes though. Most of them werent really things I want - she was 80! most of the retro stuff was given to her kids when she moved back in '03. But I got a lot of her skirts for work when work returns and I got the sequened tops I used to play dress-up in with my sister and cousins when I was a very little girl. They fit in a sexy way now, which is hilarious but I have them and I have her movies. Her fandom. Okay, I've started crying but you guys, oh god, it was five DVD racks, plus the four shelves on 2 tv stands of DVDs. God, there were also books and a hefty John Wayne keychain.

The last day she was REALLY coherent - not the last day she was alive but the last day she still had SPARK - we watched Blood Alley with John Wayne and then she fell asleep before the end. After that she didnt wake up long enough to finish it. I have it in my bag. I keep trying to figure out when is the right time to watch it because I have to know how it ends you know? I have to. Point is, I packed her fandom up and I'm taking it into my home and adding it to my own fandom.

My family - they dont really get it. My mom tries but she doesnt have anything she's fannish about(Game of Thrones a little but not like this) - they didn't get it. They knew she loved it, they knew it was her passion but I dont think they got it, the way it infiltrates your life, the way it holds you up and keeps you breathing. Her family was with her, and so was the Duke and her musicals and I just- I can't deal with how huge a deal that was. It makes me both love fandom more and more scared of it. She & I started loving these things we love at about the same age - 12/13 - and she was still loving them fiercely when she died. It's huge and it makes me ache so much.

In the interim between that and me getting home - there were isolation issues because my mom and sister were Busy Being Mourners, and I was at a hotel, and I was out watching hockey and drinking when my family was at the Douchebag Uncle's because I'm not welcome there. That's what happens when you point out that someone's grandiosity is nearly delusional, they're overbearing, and that they're disingenuous(not in so many words but thats basically what happened at The Worst Thanksgiving Ever). So D-bag Uncle was running the show and I was not part of the cast or crew. Right after I left the D-bag Uncle apparently went BATSHIT CRAZY(no seriously, my aunt/his sister got scared of him and LEFT) and that story will come later.

Now I'm home and able to see where things are fraying. I'm dissociated for long stretches. I'm compulsive eating again. The biggest thing? I'm having A(ctivites of)D(aily)L(iving) issues. I'm having problems getting out of bed for a start which isn't a surprise. Thats standard with grief/depression. No, what's freaking me out is that I'm having shower/bath issues. I dont know why but it takes a lot to actually make myself get in the fucking shower or bath. It's a hygiene issue that is BIG and is one of the MANY reasons why I'm still in treatment and on so many meds. Basically I'm listening to the Black Parade for comfort(and Cancer on repeat when I need a good cry because jesus fuck MCR. You don't hit any less hard with time. God I love all of you so much. So fucking much) and Save Rock&Roll, reading a lot of fic and poking everyone I know online for company. It's all I've got.

There'll be another post soon I imagine. Dolores' birthday is in 3 days. My birthday is in 6 days. On that day I lose my health insurance. Woo. I imagine I'll have some some sort of post by then. Maybe I'll figure out something to do? I dont know. Even my online friends are busy on Sat the 15th. Father's Day's the 16th dont you know. So. Yeah.

Plus side, I get to go back to regular therapy now that I'm home. Thank fuck.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
Today my mom called to get me the car because a friend of a friend I've been trying to meet for the 9 days I've been in S. Florida was supposed to come here so I could have someone to hang out with for a few hours. "Be so glad you're not with the family." My mother said. "Your uncle is fucking crazy. Your sister will tell you one day. It's a stress ball." Needless to say when the Friend of A Friend had to cancel(shocker) I called her to try and make contact and she was like "Well you could come here but we're not really talking about her things or touching her stuff sooooo maybe you should stay there and chill out. No, go ahead and eat on your own. Trust me you dont want to be in this mess. You can come with when we go pick up your step-dad" *click* Okay. Um. Okay.

So needless to say I spent the day alone. Then we got my stepdad and we were going to get dinner but everything was closed so...I got a drink, watched the Penguins lose in a HUMILIATING 6-1 and went home - also alone.

I know you guys are out there. I do feel your love and your presence. My fairy godmother(Have I mentioned that I have a Fairy Godmother? I do. She's the best. She gives me hope.) got in touch with me again which helped loads. It's just - things are so fucked. You're all out there but you're too ephemeral and I need a more solid presence which I'm just not getting. Note all the, um, aloneness?

*drags hand over face* To add insult to all this injury, guess who had to plunge a dirty toilet in her own hotel room because there was no one to do it? Did you guess me? If you did you were right. Listen I didn't want to be here in the first place. I was fucking banished here like a treasonous prince but I understand that there are many people on earth in far worse states of being. However, payments were made for me to be here. That payment was for a room with clean sleeping quarters and working facilities. Expecting someone to fix them if they break is not unreasonable if I am in a room I paid for. This expectation is especially true as we live in a capitalist society where I'm going to lose my fucking healthcare in 11 days when I turn 26 as the WORST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER IMAGINED and the name of the game exchange of cash for goods and services. Cash was exchanged at this establishments so I am not out of line to I expect someone else to come and do this LITERAL shit job of a service for me when money was given.

But no. Things just keep being fuckawful. Tomorrow's the funeral then shiva. I imagine that will be fuckawful too.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
My grandmother is dead. She died at about 11 right around the time the Fall Out Boy show would've been closing which actually is a good thing as it will make getting a tattoo for her easier. I'll be able to use a lyric if I want. And hey! My mom called me by 12:30 and came and picked me up from the bar where I'd be watching the Blackhawks/Kings game and drinking Cookies&Creme martinis and listening to Fall Out Boy(and thinking about how my Fairy Godmother came through again and I'd get to go in September at least :D) so she only waited like...an hour and 3 drinks to tell me.

But hey! It got my sister to initiate an ACTUAL PHYSICAL LITERAL HUG WITH ME! No, you guys dont understand. This is like that episode of the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon hugged Penny. That my sister initiated affectionate contact is a big deal. Refreshing too.

Then we stood around with her body for awhile because...I have no fucking idea. She looked like one of those ice mummys, as I've said. Dead bodies that are fresh basically look like dead bodies that are 5000 years old. Hope it helped my family. I'm still too emotionally fucked up from yesterday to be more than just like "okay and?" because guys. She's been dying since we got here a week ago.

I had my moments. You read most of them. They were hurtful and ugly as sin. Enough. My grammie was not that person. My real goodbye was something else and I'll talk about it later, probably after the funeral which will be, I dont know, Tuesday or Wednesday? Who fucking knows. I would like to note that yet again I have no idea whats going on. I'm alone but for once I'm kinda fucking relieved. I was too drunk to deal with their emotions tonight when I'm mostly just annoyed.

Anyway, she's dead. As someone said "They kicked you out and then she died." Yep. Looks that way I guess.

I dont know. Maybe I needed to leave for her to die? I dont know why it would make a difference that I wasnt there but my sister and mother were but I was the last person to leave and not come back of the people before she left so, as another internet person pointed out "Maybe you had to leave so she could leave too."

I dont know.

However I would like for you to take not that I used my Gone with the Wind icon in honor of Marilyn Esrig because I watched it for the first time with her at age 8 in her house in Birmingham Alabama. I remember that I got to stay up to the outrageously late time of after midnight to watch the whole thing with my cousin Michelle(the uncle's daughter) and that while she fell asleep half way through it, I pitched the most epic of all hissyfits when Rhett walked out the door declaring FRANKLY MY DEAR I DONT GIVE A DAMN and then DIDNT COME BACK! I was hooked way before that - on John Wayne with Hatari when I was too young to talk because OMG ELEPHANTS! ZEBRAS! MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH FOREIGN TRIBES ON TV WHERE THEY WERENT BELITTLED OR TREATED AS LESS THAN FOR BEING DIFFERENT THAN WHITE PEOPLE!, on Charleton Heston, Jimmy Stewart and Betty Hutton with the Greatest Show On Earth, on all things musical with The King and I and Fiddler on the Roof, on Katherine Hepburn with the African Queen - but I grew up in the buckle of the bible belt and once I saw Gone with the Wind, it was all over for me. I was in the movie hole with her and she knew it.

So I get it all, damnit. The movie den is mine. Every DVD. Every VHS. Every book. Every picture. Every poster. Every puzzle that is a scene from a film. It's all mine because when I look at the last half of my life and see fandom, I can trace it back to Grammie and know that its not just who I am, its who she is too.

Ten bucks says Uncle Douchebag tries to fight me on it. Bring it. Because now that she is gone I am ready to make the insipid motivational video intro video he made the biggest joke on the internet. I trust you guys will help me spread it to reddit, tumblr, twitter etc should the need arise.

So any road, may she rest in peace but that one step down right? Now we've just got the funeral. Then shiva. Then who the fuck knows. Packing maybe?

I am so fucked up you guys. Not necessarily about her dying. Just, you know. In general.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So. I woke up yesterday to my mother standing beside my bed asking if I was going to still go hang out with my aunt and if so I needed to get up now. Then she said "Also, you're going to stay with your uncle[whom some of you may remember from The Worst Thanksgiving Of All Time] or in a hotel. Decide."

I blinked at her. "Uh. Yeah I'm still going."

"And where are you staying? I need to know so I can start making arrangements while you pack so you'll be ready when you get back from your movie with Aunt Bonnie."

"Um, my uncle's?" Because you see he is a tremendous douchebag but he's still my family.

So she texts him. I check on the status and she says "He didnt get back to me." Texts twice. Then after an hour of my shoving everything I brought with me into my bags, news comes down - absolutely not, I cannot stay there. Nevermind that my Aunt is staying there. Nevermind that my cousins stayed there. Nevermind that my sister has stayed there. I, Rachael, am not allowed to stay there. So I go to a movie with Aunt Bonnie - Now You See Me (aka if TSN If Mark Were Into Magic Instead of Coding and ) - and come back, my mom has narrowed it down to 2 hotels. Best Western and LaQuinta. She books the first one LaQuinta and we get there and no, that one is a reservation but its too expensive - by ten bucks a night. So she moves me down the highway by 2 miles.

The whole time we're driving my mother's talking about how I'll be so relieved once I get there. I'll have my own space. I wont have to fight with anyone. There will be more space for anyone. I'll have more independence. Plus I can stay up as late as I want and I wont have to whisper into the phone at night. Won't that be great?

Forgetting the part that she couched being "sent" to a hotel as a threat the entire time I was here, and starting before I even left Atlanta. Her declaration and follow up punishment was penalty for my behavior - that behavior being me, existing on earth as Rachael who EVERYONE seems to find a problem. It was horrible to be banished by yet another family member. I'm at four now btw - father, sister, uncle, and now mother.

However, that isn't the biggest issue. Most of the people reading my journal have an idea of my trauma. They're aware of the fact that I have a severe mental illness and that I have PTSD that is linked to extreme traumatic transience. The reality of the situation yesterday was that my mom rousted me from my sleep with the message of "grab your shit and go." In case I'm not clear:

~She woke me up with an enactment of my worst nightmare. She told a PTSD victim who's illness is based in sudden moves in turbulent times to pack her things up, pick a place and go with no timeline on return. She even talked about how this was better than *living like we did during the hurricane* which is my PTSD point of origin.~

As I told my mom, triggers arent like spiders.They arent gone once you step on them. They're more like huge rocks you drop on a calm lake. It can take anywhere from hours to weeks for the waves the refreshed trauma to still again.

Then she came in and flopped on the bed like she wanted to stay and hang out all "ah isnt this room great? I didnt scream at her or call her a piece of shit or a hateful cuntface or any of the things I wanted to do like, scream at her or slap her across the face. I'm still angry. I can function calmly and rationally but oh god I am so angry.

So thats the state of my union. I'm currently staying in a very comfortable but empty hotel room. Waiting for my grandmother's body to catch up with her spirit and let loose this mortal coil. Alone. Because I was a bad girl. Not a woman 13 days away from her 26th birthday who chose to do it that way - but because I was a bad girl and I needed to be punished and since I lack a car, money, or any agency over my own life - I was put in a higher class version of the corner. For my friends in Hockey fandom - it's a bit like Two Minutes For Being Matt Cooke - only in this instance its Banished From Most Family Moments For Being Rachael.

Fall Out Boy is probably just getting rolling right now and I'm at a sports bar watching hockey. Say it with me class! Alone.

Honestly the only things that are stopping me from giving into this feeling: having to explain it to her as a my therapist[omg such a hassle], knowing I'd have to clean up after whatever bad choice I made because I hate cleaning, refusal to do anything that could risk me not being in perfect condition for ComicCon in July and TV: I need to see if Lucrezia and Cesare get their shit together on Borgias, Teen Wolf is returning and one day I'll get to watch that, and in the fall there will be Agents of SHEILD, American Horror Story, and Archer.

Wow. I have a sad empty lonely fucking life. Look at that. The reasons I have not to give into this despair are TV, dislike of cleaning, dislike of explaining my misbehavior to authority figures and ComicCon. Just when I thought I couldn't feel more alone.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
I got a lovely comment today checking on me to see how I am. At which point I realized I havent given you a status update.

How I am is fucking horrific and what's up is that my grandmother is dying. Not she's got cancer and is dying. Not oh now she's at stage 4 and is dying.

No, we're at hospice comes every day, we change her and try to help keep her lips and mouth dry, hold her hand, and literally hoping for her to die because she's ready to go and we're ready for her to go but we come from sturdy stock that will never quit and is going to keep going until ever wears out.

I flew in on Saturday night and she was awake enough to talk. Sunday was a decent day and we got to talk/see her and my cousins were there too. Monday we had last-words sort of things where I was told 1)that its so good that I have substitute teaching, a REAL job, because she was worried about me with trying to make a living "with the writing" 2) that I look so great and if I could just lose 10lbs I would be perfect 3)that she is terrified for me that I should end up 700lbs and have to get carted out of my house 4)that I am not to help my father even if he's dying in the street[the woman had no saliva but spit at my father with one of her dying acts] because he isnt worth the ground he walks on and I'm not to talk to him let alone take care of him when he's old and that 5)I'm too smart, so much smarter than most people and people hate that 6)so I have to act average and only show my smarts later so I can get by in the world.

That did make me feel like GUTTING myself or any anything. Not like she hit on all of the things that I hurt me the most. Not like my weight and my complete lack of faith in my ability to pursue writing and my conflicted father issues and feeling like a fucking freak ALL the time because I know more than most people in a given room. As if I didnt know I have to act average in order to interact with the world - as if the last week of failing miserably at: impulse control, modesty, having an instinct on when a conversation is over, keeping my mouth shut, making small talk, being a general disaster hasnt been evidenced enough.

If I werent aware before my grandmothers last coherent words, my sister and mother have both made it DAMN fucking clear how badly i'm doing here how wrong I am to be here, how everything I do is a mistake, how I'm in the way, not part of this, shouldnt be here. Granted the rest of my cousins came. They all were here and had their time (or if they didnt got talked about for not). I'm here because she was my favorite. I'm here because fuck all of them I was her favorite.

The thing about this is - I was SPECIFICALLY TOLD that I would be getting no emotional support from my mom when I came down here. Fine. I dont need it, I said. [personal profile] knight_tracer stocked me up with podfics that have been really amazing - so good for my nerves and my soul. She's a sweetie that way. I have my therapist(true, I had a session on monday) and theres a couple other people who have tried but foolishly I thought that my internet friends would be more of a support than than they are.

God, I am so STUPID. People WARNED ME. They WARNED me for a DECADE that the friends you meet online arent your friends until you get to know them in real life(I'm looking at you Hardwire Harlots)but I didnt listen. I thought that they were even if you never saw their faces or heard their voices. I thought that after fifteen years online I'd made REAL connections you know?

Only the longer this drags on - and oh god it drags and drags - I'm finding thats not true. I'm just alone. The names I reach out to are empty. How stupid can I possibly be?

So now, not only am I under a barrage of constant verbal attacks from my sister that have me scrambling to change everything I can about myself in a desperate bid not to get attacked again. Please, god please, just let me have gotten it right this time. I just want to fix it so I stop getting attacked. Thats all. I want to just breathe. I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry.

Then I'm surrounded by sadness and tension to tight you could turn it into a cord and garrot someone with it and am realizing that I'm alone. I am all alone. I mean, intellectually, I knew that I was alone? I had just sort of deluded myself into thinking that these words on a screen were attached to people who cared on the other side.

However, as much as the sexual assault made me realize how kind and supportive everyone on here is, this current has made me realize how deeply alone I am. It's pointless to try and get with the people I consider my closest friends. They're in other corners of the earth. If they're not they busy with their husbands/wives/children, they have prearranged activities or better friends and plans they made before I ever entered the picture. This isnt a new thing. I've never been first for anyone and I dont know why that would change now. I've pretty much never been anyone's best friend(i've had lots of people as MY best friend but I was never THEIRS) and thats most keenly noticed since Kaci and I's friendship disintergrated. I have people who try now, here on LJ and on Twitter too but...I dont have anyone I feel like I can turn to and say "Help me." Not with this. Not with the request of being with me when things are hard and I cant be funny or clever or entertaining. I don't have friends for a reason I figure. Being with me isnt something most people want. Most of the time of I force myself to be okay with it.

After a week watching a woman I love die by centimeters, I'm not strong enough to pretend it's not one of the main reasons I'm up typing and crying at 3:55am.

Oh. Wait. In a final bit of hilarious fate: I DONT GET TO SEE FALL OUT BOY TOMORROW! I've only been waiting for 5 years for this and now, boom, chance gone. Isn't that silly? My grandma is dying but I'm still let down. Plus, the part of me that gets paid less than 20K a year is angry about $50 down the drain. I was going to get a tour hoodie. I was going to finally have seen all the bandom bands and know that I'd survived to see them all play - Panic, MCR and FOB.

I waited for years for them to come back and they did, just in time for my world to fall apart again. I'm pretty sure the arena show inAtlanta is already sold out so, you know maybe in another 5 years when I'm 30 I'll get to see them. I really hope I'll be alive then. I dont mean that in a self-destructive way its just...with the way things keep going I dont hope for much anymore you know? The tenth person in my graduating class of 250 died this week so I'm just saying. I used to wish for things like a family - someone to love, kids, friends, a career I liked, living somewhere I didnt hate. Now, the way things are going, getting to live to see 30 and maybe Fall Out Boy with like...one friend who is really there for me? Thats the new dream.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
Something really fucked up happened to me last night in a swingers club that is built on having a reputation for being a safe and liberated environment of sexual expression and interaction. Because it happened in a place like that, where things are sexually complicated and open and multiple partners isnt just allowed but encouraged, I'm not sure how I'd classify what happened exactly.

Warning for...idk rape or sexual violation or something? I'm not sure what I'm calling it yet. Let's say a non-con happening to me and then people enacting acts of rape culture slut-shaming/denial on me )

I totally welcome signal boosting. Signal boost the shit out of this if you want to. However please use my tumblr post: http://fandom-butterfly.tumblr.com/post/50171798265/am-i-1-out-of-3-women-now-or-does-what-happened-to rather than my LJ or DW post. DW and LJ are specific to you guys who I really love and I want to keep it a safe space. That said, yes, I give my consent for you to use that tumblr link to boost the fucking signal.

Love

Mar. 24th, 2013 04:36 am
dancinbutterfly: (FOB - Mikey/Pete)
Some motherfucker thought it would be okay to plagerize my fic You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison. If you've known me since 2010 or before, you probably know how much of me and my early depression went into that story and the sequels because you were around for the process. If you knew me after, you know how proud I am of it because it changed what I thought I was capable of. It's one of the boldest, scariest, best things I've done in bandom and in my writing in general and that piece of shit thought it was okay to Find+Replace the names and turn it into a Supernatural fic that didnt even make sense.

It was heartbreaking and infuriating not just to me but to the women who held my hand and spent hours at five a clock in the morning and one in the afternoon talking with me about the process and listening to me bitch and letting me spam them. It's a podfic project now. I'm working on another sequel fic for someone as a part of the car-auction payments. To say this story is a huge part of my life is an understatement and it was violated.

Bottom line? Not okay.

What was amazing is that you guys came out of the woodwork for me. From people I've never seen around bandom before, let alone me, my journal and my fic to people I've known since the beginning of my baby bandom days - came out to get my back, spread the word of what happened and come to my defense. The stolen version was off AO3 before I got home from work because of you guys. Twitter spread it, the work itself was flooded with comment, the stop-plagerism com had a post, and it even got mentioned on tumblr. I didn't even have make a post of my own about it because other people in bandom did it for me, and then signal boosted it.

I was wounded and all of you amazing people came to my aid. You guys protected me. You fought for me. You took care of me. You loved me.

I spend 90% of my time here in Georgia alone except for my mom and her boyfriend. I sometimes feel like I dont have any real friends because of that and then something like this happens and I remember, yes I fucking do. I have amazing beautiful loving friends all over the planet who will go to bat for me in a literal minute. Just because I cant go to the movies with you or out to dinner doesnt change that.

I say this a little more than twenty-four hours after we lost one of our big three, my personal true love in My Chemical Romance ending, but I am so fucking grateful. I'm so grateful through my devastation at this loss because thanks to knowing them I get to know all you and nothing is more valuable to me than that. Not even the music.

So mostly, I wanted to say thank you and holy shit do I love you guys back. I love you so much that sometimes it makes me cry a little. Or a lot. Thank you all for being you. Thank you for being my friends. Thank you for reminding me that there's a world of people who care about me, even if you are scattered and sometimes digital. Prisonverse and what happened means a lot to me. What you guys did for me and what that says means so much more.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
I got my first ever official rejection email from a publishing company that was accepting queries. That's good though. Yes? You miss 100% of the shots you dont take. This was just a first shot, a first official block. Just a place to start. I will not let my mental illness and low self-esteem slow my roll. I am too good for that. I will have 100 of these before I even consider that. Yep. Yep. Yep. Only about....half of this is me talking myself out of freaking out. The other half of me totally believes this and is actually kind of excited.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
- I can has a job! I'm officially a substitute teachers. Mostly I tell 11-13 olds to be quiet, sit down, dont touch that, no you may not go to the bathroom, no i dont care what your teacher normally does because this is what we're doing today, no you may not work in groups, and if you're going to talk to me you can look me in the eye because thats what civilized people do when they have a verbal discourse. Then I get to move them to different seats around the room, write their names down, send them to different teachers or call an administrator to come "deal with them."

However, there are shining moments when I get to teach, though its not always related to the subject matter. I got to stop a a kid in a social studies class who told someone they were worthless and should kill themselves and tell them and the rest of the class why they should never, EVER, talk like that using my life and my loss as an example. In a math class, after overhearing a small argument, I broke it up then I explained why calling a guy a "girl" to insult him along with any other feminine based insult is actually degrading to women and lowering both them as men and as human beings and showing the girls that yes, this is a bigger problem than it looks like. That same class I also explained what a parallelogram is and how its different from a rhombus to a problem case who was giving me tzurus ten minutes before but is sitting with me at the desk taking rapt notes now because I have answers in a different way of describing it than his math teacher did.

And sometimes, like today, you have a horrible day where the kids curse and storm out and cuss at each other and actually cheer when you leave but then, in your last period - there's a tiny moment of light. They're doing a packet on Leonardo da Vinci and when they're done they ask "well now what do we do?" Read? Draw? Talk very quietly amongst yourselves? Or we could talk about da Vinci and how he wasnt just an artist but also a crazy genius who designed things a crazy death scythe chariot, a machine gun, and robots. Most of the class chose to do the first three but I had one boy come from the VERY back of the class, with his chair, set it down in front of me and say "Tell me more about Da Vinci." And in the 20 minutes left in class I covered with this kid - iconographic art and the transition to more realistic renaissance portraiture and scenes(ala the last supper), the advent of the printing press, medieval medicine, the limited understanding of the human body, the value of the vitruvian man, the working helicopter models da Vinci came up with, and how on top of being a genius, this was the point in history when people were starting to realize that the world around them was bigger than just their homes and neighbors. He sat there, when he could've been in the back with his friends chatting, with me talking about these historical things, and at the end of the class wanted to know more to the point that I got to direct him to the library. That one kid made my whole freaking day worth getting up for. Well that and the money, obvs. :P

-Everybody holding up okay after MikeyWaygate2013? Man. That could've been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend. Seriously Mikey - what what what are you doing? Look at your life, look at your choices. Sucks that its happening because the two of them were always so....lovely when I saw them together. I'm not judging because DBT teaches no judgement and I'm trying to practice that. I still love this band a stupid degree. Doesnt affect the way I look at them as artists although I'm less physically attracted to Mikey now. Mostly, I feel markedly bad for Alicia because she was nothing but kind and friendly to me every time we met. If she was anything near as nice to her friends as she was to a strange little fangirl like me, then she definitely doesnt deserve this kind of hurt. So for that, I has a sad :(

-My mom is far less verbally abusive and is almost back to normal. Like she was possessed - Supernatural style - and Sam and Dean snuck in and exorcised her without me noticing. YAY! Avoiding her is really helping but she's more relaxed now I've got a job. My dad is still mindfucking her over the divorce stuff (even though they signed the papers 10 years ago - they're still in court. Yeah.) That should be getting closer to the end soon. The trial is next month. My sister is currently in town. BEHOLD! A PICTURE OF US! I am the heavy set one in stripes. She is the beautiful one. Seriously. Very glad she's here but there's now 3 of us in 2 bedrooms. *facepalm* this apartment isnt built for that.
picture )

-Mental health: waxes and wanes. The very best way to get ahold of me is to chat with me via gchat, aim, yim etc because when I get low, I dont post here on LJ or DW for weeks because of, well, the depression. Then I stick to tumblr where I reblog pictures of Teen Wolf, Avengers, and OUAT characters sometimes with snarky commentary. I'm on a new cocktail and it seems to be working for now though.

-Addicted to Hollyoaks. Like badly. Like - I went back to 2011 and have been watching the full half hour eps in order. Send help?

-For later! I wrote since last we spoke. 2 for The Hour during Yuletide, and at least 3 for Teen Wolf that isn't up here but I'll do an official posty thing for them when its not almost 5am. Also there are TMI sex things I want to blog/talk to you guys about they're long and thinky and TMI so again, not for 5am. This whole area is for next post.

-Things are a hot mess all over - but with my new job, my old crazy, my sister in the house, MikeyWaygate2013, and all the other craziness that is going on in my world (and there's more but its too day-to-day to detail), I signed up for the words and deeds meme and thats my thread. I could use some of this for a push through to the other side to Tuesday (when my sister will have left for Colorado, I dont know why she's going, and my mom will have left for Florida and the trial and will not be getting her negative scary on me).

-Lastly, you guys Warm Bodies comes out Friday in the US. It's a zom-rom-com. Oh yeah. Zombie romantic comedy. If you can go see it, please do. We want this one to do well so it will encourage the studios to make smarter more interesting movies rather than the same crap over and over. Plus, John Malkovich is in it, and along with Nicholas Hoult(the kid from About A Boy who grew up, got hot, and then was on Skins) and Rob Cordry as zombies yes.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
Yeah, I rolled out this icon because it really was THAT BAD.

I just got home from what was undisputedly the most horrific thanksgiving week of my entire fucking life. Dont believe me? Click the cut. Seriously. I dare you )</>
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
Yeah, I rolled out this icon because it really was THAT BAD.

I just got home from what was undisputedly the most horrific thanksgiving week of my entire fucking life. Dont believe me? Click the cut. Seriously. I dare you )</>

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