dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So back in September there was a giant clusterfuck with my insurance not recognizing my disability and not being able to afford my meds. I went through withdrawal and everything. My mom and I spent a solid week on the phone working to get put back on. Now, two months later, a letter came in the mail stating due to my disability - I'm officially covered on my mom's insurance until January 1st 2024. HALLELUJAH!

For those of you outside the USA with socialized healthcare let me explain what this means. It means that until I'm 37 no matter what happens, I have health insurance and can get health care without worrying about it breaking me financially. Til I finish graduate school and get my career moving, I dont have to fear losing my psych meds or getting sick. I can just live. It's a huge relief. I'm protected. I'm safe.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
If I dont love it that much I dont fucking care. I'm applying for teaching positions in Washington D.C. Aside from Aunt J being there, my cousin Megan, uncle Steve and his family are there too. Matt is there and Li and Jessica and several other of the friends I made in college are there. Ben from synagogue who I've known my whole life and Daryl and a few other people from shul are too. I'm also fairly sure there are a few of you LJers out there in the DC/Maryland/Virginia area too. There are actual people I know and could spend time with outside of my basement there. It's not NYC but its not the basement.

Praxis is the certification for about 30 states. D.C. is one of them and the only one where people I love are concentrated. So why not? Seriously. I'm applying here in Atlanta. Why not while I'm filling out the paperwork?

I am done crying over a job thats not my dream but I still like it and I can still use it.
dancinbutterfly: (Spartacus - Doctore smells your bullshit)
So my service dog moved in yesterday. Absolutely no one in my family was happy for me even though Director Nick Fury aka Nick is adorable smart a cuddle slut trainable and a real responsibility. So far the reaction has been that "You cant take care of yourself. How can you take care of a dog?" Um, why is it that no one asks that of me with 100s of students a day as a sub but not a dog? Also the nature of my personality due to my illness and being an adult child of alcoholism is to take care of other living beings. Not to mention that HUGE part of his service is life control, unconditional love that I lacked, and helping me get regulated and back on a rerouton like a healthy person again. Everyone is like >:| about it except my stepdad. He told me he was proud of me, that I made my own choice and followed through and am now going to bbe responsible. He likes Nick and shows him affection(mom looks at him like I chose to get a NYC rat as a pet) and was just great. Ugh. Crying now. Anyway. Nick Fury is work but his favorite place is my bed touching some part of my body and he spins in excite!circles whenever I walk in the room.

So just...fuck my mom and my sister. The Director and I will learn together. It will work and he already gives me joy. So fuck it right?

The trainer is my safety net, thanks very much. Part of our set up is that she will take him back if needed(which we both doubt). Also if I get bad again the trainer and I have Crisis Plans in place but hey, everyone one's faith in me, its fucking heartening.

I have never be doubted so intensely and verbally in my life.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
last night [personal profile] rscreighton and I stayed up skyping until 2am just talking and sharing youtube videos

I had the profound feeling of that night being a good one, of being truly genuinely happy. I'm making this post so I dont forget that night happened. I want to be able to look back when things are bad and go "Look. You are capable of bone deep happiness with someone who is becoming a very real part of your family."

part of that happiness - i got unstuck on an original! i'm doing what is basically Double Nano on it. it's a crime story about a series of dead human dolls and the survivor and the cops trying to catch the killer. before you walk away cuz its another tortured cop story - he's INTERPOL, his partner is a Somali woman, his love interest is a woman who is paraplegic, and his ex is a man and dude HUMANS MADE INTO BALL JOINTED DOLLS IN A FORMER SOVIET STATE NOW A PUPPET DEMOCRACY. so. diversity and creepiness and fascist regimes. if you are interested lemme know cuz holy shit i need cheerleaders. i think crime might be my niche. weird hn?

still heartbroken over NY but writing is what I wanted and I think I needed this wake up call to remind me of that fact. teaching is what my mom wants for me. not what i want for me, although I am back to subbing and I love that. I have another part time that will keep me in money over the summer so thats good. and now I wont miss the FOB meet and greet! so silver linings.
dancinbutterfly: (Tangled - Horse is not amused)
So I got quiet as shit after my announcement about NYC. That is because my BPDII decided to act up. Not much to report there that you cant find out about on google - blech. Meanwhile I did art projects, overhauled my room, tried not to manically spend money, and worked on my NYC lesson plan which is going to be on the figurative vs literal language and the use of narrative as a persuasive device, in Marc Antony's Funeral Oration from Julius Caesar. It made me want to get on stage and play him. It made me want to rewatch Rome because omg sassies bitch James Purefoy was perfect.

I spent a lot of time crying in therapy. My anxiety got so bad I couldnt leave the house so I started taking my dog peaches with me everything and suddenly...I was okay. I could leave. I was safer. Unfortunately, Peaches is 11 and arthritic. So I did come to a major decision that getting a psychiatric service dog is right for me. So, over the past month I've been getting that in motion. My psychiatrist was like "sure if it helps you have a better quality of life go for it" but shes mostly pills and brain chemistry. Marlee on the other hand and I had LONG LONG talks about it and in the end she and I decided yes for lots of reasons about which as I said, I cried a fucking lot in therapy. I also find myself missing my daddy a lot so, like i said, crying.

In other news, Teen Wolf is so much better this season. OMG DIVERGENT IS OUT THIS MONTH CANNOT WAIT! Hockey is killing my soul. I miss you talk to me. Podfic is my main fandom atm. I love you. Im going to answer all the February talk questions cause I want to get myself back.
dancinbutterfly: (AvengersBlack Widow is HBIC)
If you've been reading this for any time you probably know that I really want to move to NYC. Like - Fucking want it. I have for a long time. Big city, no cars, apartments instead of houses, close quarters, busy lives, lots of Jews, being loud and extreme being a normal thing. This is a thing I want.

When I was in DC with Aunt J I talked to her about how much I wanted to live in New York City and how hard it felt to me, how far away it seemed. She was the first person who looked at me said "If you want it, just make it happen." No qualifiers. No ifs. No whens. Nike commercial style "Just do it." As if no matter how fucked up my brain and finances might be, I can do it if I want it. End of fucking story. There was no question for Aunt J. If I want to do it. Then I'll do it. The end. In this time, less than a week after visiting Aunt J, my sister also came into town - from where she lives in New York City - and gave me the most gutting physical jealousy I have ever felt in my life.

While this was happening, I was also finishing a longterm(two month) asignment in the same classroom and realizing "Holy shit, I legit love regular teaching. I actually love it. Even the grading paper bullshit." Its not being a novelist but I do like it. I come home from having a long-term class with stories and a buzz of I Did Something. It was Real. At the end of the day, my feel like your 8 hours of work werent wasted.

So when I came back from visiting Aunt J and my sister left, I started looking around at what is involved in teaching in NYC. I have been subbing for over a year and I know what I'm doing. I'm GOOD damnit. I've got skills that full time teachers at our title one teachers dont have and teaching is like waiting tables or selling clothes. You can do it everywhere. There's always a need.

What I found was even more amazing. I found something called The NYC Teaching Fellows program. Basically, NYC has high need Title 1 schools(which are where I fucking teach ANYWAY) that are always desperate for teachers so to drum them up, the city has created a program to get non-education majors certified as teachers and by the end of three-to-five years, a master degree subsidized by the city for the most part. It's specifically for people who DO NOT have education degrees(like me) but have training in needed areas like middle and high school English(like me). The program starts in June of this year and lasts, well, years. Job wise, 96% of fellows have a fulltime teaching job by the first day of school after summer training. Starting pay in NYC Public schools is in the neighborhood of 45K, after taxes that's still 35K which is not living rich in NY but its not living on ramen noodles either.

So you apply and write your personal statements. Once that is done you hit send then you sit back and wait because they will get back to you in 4 business weeks. Their policy is they will get to you "whether you get an interview or not at that time." which I think is damn decent of them to be honest rather than just letting people.

Yeah. They got back to me in 7 business days asking my preference for a phone interview. The percent of applicants who get a phone interview? 3,000 out 7,500 - so 40% which means I'm part of their top 40% already.

The interview was this morning. With my meds as fucked up as they are I medicated the shit out of myself and then just...went for it. I had a solid answer for every fucking question that came from a real life experience I had, no joke. The few questions that were theoretical? I am pretty sure I nailed. I actually used metaphor of an explanation for why yes, there should be an equal yet adjusted standard of academic achievement in the expectations of low income low parental involvement area schools to high income high parental area by heavily paraphrasing theory I got from a brilliant tumblr essay I read nearly a year ago. (I'm in the process of writing the original author a gushing thank you note btw.)

I hit out of the fucking park. If they don't call me back for round three, they're idiots. If you know me at all, you know my self-esteem is shit so when I say that, you know how well I know the subject material I was interviewed on.

So, Aunt J - how is that for going for it? You said I could. I am. I've done all the steps I can so far and if this doesn't work then I'll try something else but you're right. You are right. Thank you for believing in me and making me feel like an adult with my OWN FUTURE when no one else did. You are the reason I got this far with this. I love you so much - not for being a shoulder to cry on but for being a hand giving me shove between the shoulders that said "Go ahead, you're not a kid." I love you for other things too but I've made real steps all on my own and I went looking for the stairs because of you.

(The med situation is still in painful flux. Like, ugh, not good, but I dont want to dwell on the bad when this great thing happened today. It was too good.)
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So, I saw Marlee yesterday which always a big fat reality check. God I love that woman I really do. She says shit that is REALLY hard for me to hear, about how I tend to cast myself in victim role and blow things out of proportion while at the same time validating my pain and bad situation trying to get to the bottom of things and figure out how to best solve the situation all in the same situation. Like I said, the woman is very good at what she does. I respect her immensely and I adore her because she knows she isn't smarter than me yet cuts through my bullshit anyway. A rare thing to be treasured. It was what I needed.

So what I did first should shock no one at all. I called my psychiatrist Dr. D about the medication. She was not there. When I say not there I mean Not In The Office That Day At All And Wouldn't Be Back Until Tomorrow...Hopefully. My immediate reaction:

Rachael was not a fucking happy Rachael. But the staff at Dr D's office were lovely and helpful and were like "I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. I'll text her and see what I can do but as soon as she gets back we'll make sure she calls you first thing." Never got that at Dr. Ahmad's office. That's Dr. Mohammed Ahmad. *sings* Tell your kids tell your wife & tell your husbands cuz he's givin' crappy health care to everybody out there.

Unfortunately this edict came on the directions that I need to stay awake until 8pm. Sounds easy right? Wrong. Anxiety isnt just a nervous feeling. Its a physical condition. It is your heart beating so fast you can feel it in your ribcage and the veins and arteries, it's your muscles spasming, your hands shaking, your mouth constantly dry, your bones hurting from what your muscles are doing. You cant fight what your body is doing without the meds because I am not a yogi and I dont have those skills. I was a hot goddamn mess.

Needless to say I drifted through rest of the day like this:



However, I managed to communicate these things to my mother in a calm sane rational way laying out the plan and the time frame and my small scale plans and what I COULD do and that I was going to get back to real work as soon as I could but first I had to sort this out but was trying to do. I went out of my way to take care of some household chore stuff whole I was medicated properly though so she could see that I was trying and I think that helped.

Turns out, though, my mom was calling me from a burger place. Would you like one? OMG yes. I cant eat one now because for the first time EVER my depression is killing my appetite but yes I do. Thank you that is actually sweet. Another call twenty minutes later. It's my stepdad. They're getting ice cream. Would you like some? OMG yes. Gah. I dont know what to do with that kind of niceness sometimes after extended periods of crazy. Seriously she needs to not be away from the Step for extended periods. It does bad shit to her brain. This is fact. She's always nicer when he's around because he makes her so happy and that makes her more likely to be open to listening.

Aside from his positive influence, I laid out the list I gave you guys yesterday and she was FLOORED. "I've been trying to get you to do something like that for five years to see how well you're actually doing when you're in the bad places! I'm so proud of you."

And today I got a call from Dr. D personally:
She and I talked symptoms and what I currently have and how much I'm taking. I'll give you a hint: It's too fucking much to be safe. So we laid down what is the maximum amounts and she called in a, thank you Adonai, Lord who reigns in heaven and on earth, sleeping medication so I can sleep for more than 2 hrs at a stretch. So without further ado, the first of todays lists!

Safe dosages Rachael Can Take for Her Anxiety:
400mgs on the vistirl
4mgs on the klonopin
3mgs on the ativan
1 to 2 pills on Trazedone

I'm going to grab food then go outside and have a smoke because I need to be outside. Outside is good. I will take the dog and we will walk and I will smoke and there will be light exercise and it will be a better and I'll be able to put it all on my next list.

And because this is the only appropriate way to end a post like this:
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Got an appointment with Marlee tomorrow. Yeah. Getting shit done. I refuse to sit in my mental state kthnx. Also its february 4th so I moved a couple Talk Meme topics around as I already posted pretty much every day this month but hey, still room for topics if you want them.

Also to the people who commented that you are out there? Don't be shy. Hi is enough. I will say hi back. The only way to bring giving a shit back to DW/LJ is for us to, well, give a shit.

So.

Lets give a shit.

Also, I have a secret. I havent told anyone. Not even my mom or my internet friends or even Marlee. Its not a bad one or a big one. I'm just...keeping it. It is a challenge. I kind of like it. It's a test.

I'm smoking more than I have since I left treatment though. It's my trade with myself. You may smoke but you have to go outside for the first Black and Mild of the day. For the second, you have to take a walk. For the third, you have to take an even longer walk. I didn't claim said my system makes sense. I'm just trying to get out of bed. This got me all the way into the back yard half an hour ago morning. Thats a big fucking deal.

I also know I'm in a bad way because I have pulled out My Chemical Romance, Panic At the Disco, and Fall Out Boy's old stuff and have it on repeat. That is my "this band wants to save your life" music.

Family wise, I have disconnected from my mom in a big way. She and I reached an enmeshment place so tightly knitted that I can't even look at her. So I'm taking what I can from other family. I'm wearing the hoodies my sister gave me from Chicago and her gradschool and they make me feel a little bit loved. I've been wearing my late sister's scarf compulsively and spending hours on the couch my grandmother left me(but everything in my room is my grandmother's almost which is kind of good)

The strange thing is that I miss my dad a lot right now. Like a really large amount. The tired hurting little girl in me just really wants her daddy and my stepdad is great and usually fills the void because he is amazing but he isnt cutting it. For those of you who are new-ish here, click one of the dad related tags below to find out why that is a bad, insane thing.
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
TIME TO GO BACK TO MY PSYCHIATRIST. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE COCKTAIL.

I dont know what exactly but there is something wrong. I'm using my anti-anxiety meds more regularly than I ever have. The cocktail is not right. I need to go back to work. My mom needs me to. I can't. I do not trust myself around children. I don't trust myself around anything more than house work. Sustained illness triggered my PTSD and the storm locked it in the on position I think. Hypervigilance, right Teen Wolf fandom?

Today I found out the test I took to qualify me to teach middle grades english was the wrong one. There are 2 - one that is state specific and one called the PRAXIS both of which function out of the same website ETS.ORG. The sign up webpages look exactly the same. The tests are given at the same center. The cost is the same. They are proctored by the same company and use the same log-in. Both offer middle grades language arts qualification exams. The difference is that PRAXIS covers qualification for 30 but is Georgia not one of them. I took the wrong one - guess how that happened (I'll give you a hint - three days of figuring and refiguring out how the website works and my payments not going through twice are part of it)

Bottom line: I took a test that is absolutely. Freaking. Useless. I cant take the actual GACE for my subjects until MARCH. I dont know exactly how I'm supposed to apply for Middle School English jobs when I dont have the qualifications. Its a mystery.

It's a last push that I can't actually handle when combined with my anxiety. I do not trust myself with the care and supervision of students. That's the point of why I took substituting. I needed to be able to have the freedom to get my shit together when things were unbalanced so that's what I'm going to do.

Sally fucking forth I guess.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)

this was my morning - pretty awesome for a florida girl

i cannot stop refreshing the google news feed about Atlanta. its getting to be compulsive. maybe that's ridiculous but my brain wont let it lie. my disaster ptsd buttons are pushed. i have come to the conclusion that the buttons are never going to go away. i think that's okay. that's what surviving means - you get left with buttons. the buttons saved you. this time my buttons kept im safe and sound in my house instead of trapped in a car for 9-12-22hours or locked in a school or grocery store overnight. i can walk barefoot in the powder snow in my backyard instead. that is so much better and i have benzos for the rest of it.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
Im not kidding about the timeframe

(about the Atlanta house)
M:This is a place with enough rooms so that each of you girls have your own homebase when you come here.
R:Enough room for the grandkids eh?
M:I'm not thinking about grandkids.
R:I dont mean now.
M:I mean at all.
R:I'm having kids. Even if I don't have a man I am having a kid at some point.
M:You're not having kids until you're able and I don't just mean financially. You have to be really together before you can have kid.
R:Yeah I know that.
M:I've come to terms about not having grandkids.
R:I'm not talking about having them right now.
M:Anyway I've come to terms with not having grandkids at all. *opens the door for the dog* Come on puppy. You wanna go out? Good girl!

(going downstairs into the space that is supposed to be my apartment to get to the water heater)
R: I know its chaotic but this is just from looking for my winter boots this morning.
M:You should take this opportunity to straighten up.
R:Im going to do laundry and that will take care of a lot of the mess.
M:*walks further in*There's no excuse for this!
R:What? No excuse for what?
M:That water bottle on the floor. That scrap of paper. That cord on the floor. Come on Rachael.
R:God, okay.
M:You can't do this. You have to keep this place in better shape.
R: Okay.

Update! (as she's leaving)
Mom:I'm going to go rest. When you're finished with that try to get your room back in order...*mumble mumble mumble*
R:Huh?
M: Nothing.
R:No I just couldnt hear you. You know my hearing is bad.
M:I said 'So if someone comes in it wouldn't be an embarrassment."


Um, she didn't hit me but she might as well have? I've only wanted kids my whole life. This is only supposed to be my APARTMENT - as if we were in separate dwellings, that was the deal. I just...don't know. I am waiting for her to call me to help her finish taking care of the water heater so I can get her the fuck out of my space so I can cry. I havent cried yet and I refuse to until she's gone. I don't want her to know she gets to me anymore.

I can't breathe. Send help.

This is not a fucking drill.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Today I did two things that are a big deal.

1)I turned in a review of a tv show that acts as an audition piece for a website that will pay me to do what i do for free at my other site. I get $25 for this if they like it or not so its technically my first working gig whether it gets published or not(because I was already a published writer, now having been payed, even that paltry amount, I can call myself a working writer). If you pray, pray they like it.If you dont pray, send The Force or your will in the direction of the person reading it that they want me to write for them. Sending it at all today was abig deal. If they like it that would be a bigger deal.

2)I went to a movie today. With a new friend. Considering my severe isolationism this is a huge fucking deal. Huge. Possibly bigger than the writing - because I honestly have enough self confidence to believe that the writing will break through one way or another at some point. The friendship and meeting new people? Not so much. I met the guy on OKCupid where he basically approached me saying that my profile pretty much made me a no-go romantic wise but that I seemed really cool and hey, wanna hang out and be friends? Two weeks of emailing back and forth the conclusion was that we seem to like the same shit and hes possibly the only other hockey fan in Atlanta so we should hang out as friends and we did. It was fun. We will probably do it again. It's just...nice. To have a possible new friend. Its been a very long time since that happened.

So. Stuff!
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
I think I may be graduating from Bipolar DIsorder II to Bipolar Disorder I. BPDII is characterised by hypomanic periods lasting less than a week. BPDI is characterized by manic periods lasting a minimum of one week.

My hypomanic periods prior to this have never lasted more than 6 hours. Ever. After writing down basically the first draft of the first draft of the first outline of what can be my first nonfiction book, I cataloged my behavior over the last several days with the following symptoms of mania (the ones bolded are ones I have right now)
Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
Rapid talk, talkativeness
Distractibility
Racing thoughts
High sex drive
Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
Tendency to show poor judgment, such as impulsively deciding to quit a job
Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity -- unrealistic beliefs in one's ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

You only need three to qualify as manic. The ones in italics I put because I'm not sure if I qualify or not because they apply to the writing thing.I am honestly not sure if that is a delusion. Maybe its the mania talking but I really do think I can do that. The people around me have been telling me I can for the last five plus years so I really hope that positivity, even if it is mania, doesnt fall under grandiosity. I can deal with the positivity being temporary because its gotten me moving forward in away I couldnt do before and I function very well with inertia. When the depression comes back, at least the ball will have started rolling. Depressed me can work with an in-progress situation. So I think this hopefulness symptom is actually doing some very needed breaking through the self-esteem shit I've had my whole life.

I'm just really worried about the other two. I want to believe that its not self-inflated ego or unattainable goals :-\ There's no way to know that on my own. I haven't succeeded yet. I'm just a small time fanficcer who happens to write for a webmag. What the shit do I know, you know?

We'll see how the week goes.
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
So, um, this post is self-indulgent and self-pitying. Feel free to scroll the fuck on.

Tomorrow's my birthday. I turn 26. So far I'm going nowhere, doing nothing, seeing no friends, but hey at least one present - a camera for ComicCon so I can work (my family cant really afford anything else after flying back and forth from Florida and the funeral and all the rest else). Otherwise the day is punctuated by nothing special except for every form of media reminding me that FATHERS DAY IS COMING OMFG FATHERS DAAAAY which is a reminder I super really need. Yep.

The most notable things going on tomorrow are game 2 of the Stanley Cup finals which my team isnt playing in, I OFFICIALLY lose my health insurance, and my therapist just had a death in the family so she cancelled the appointment we had (seriously I planned a therapy appointment on my birthday because I'm so desperate to feel better I counted that as a GIFT TO MYSELF and I've lost that too) and has no idea when she'll be back. It's been 3 weeks since my last session between my crisis. So yeah. I'm fucking really really afraid on that front. I'm taking my meds but idk what to do. I'm trying to get someone in the interim but I'm melting into agorophobia and sleep.I'm scared.

I'm disappointed. I'm entering my late 20s and what do I have to show for it? I live in my mom's spare bedroom, I'm a substitute teacher, I don't have any in-area friends that I spend time with, and I have a mental illness so severe that 5 days out of 7 leaving the house is a fucking joke.

If 16-year-old me knew what 26-year-old me was going to be like, she'd probably have killed herself after graduating high school. Well no, she'd have gone to London then come back and done it or maybe lived the next five years like she had a terminal illness. Anyway,I didnt kilI so I wont, obviously, but wow its just horrible. Im getting somewhere. I know I am. I'm building a small reputation. I'm going to be a member of the press at San Diego ComicCon. Maybe at another con too. Im alive while 9 other people in my graduating class are dead. So yes I do realize that its ridiculous. That maybe in another 10 years 36-year-old me will laugh at 26-year-old me but right now I'm just so wounded and tired and afraid and alone and sad.

My mom asked if 23 year old me would know that 26 year old me would have a press pass and I said "No but she'd have wanted to be less depressed than she was and that hasn't happened." I know grief is making it worse but god, fuck I didnt think it would get this bad you know? *sighs*

I was going to go out tonight, alone but still. I shaved my legs and everything. Thats a big deal for me considering I'm having a hard time even forcing myself to shower at all. I really want to. Yet I'm literally fighting the illness as I type to get out the door. IDK if I'll make it. Thats infuriating because I REALLY want to go.

Anyway, so, tomorrow, birthday. Probably there will be cookies? That'd be nice. If I could be awake for the day that'd be nice too. I have a wishlist but its for shit like "a gas card that never runs empty" and "hoodie shopping spree" but mostly I want to not cry for the next 24 hours. Please universe. If I could get through my birthday without having a mental breakdown i'd be grateful.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
I'm home in Atlanta. Thank fuck. Lord willing and the crick don' rise, I will never have to back to Florida(please please please G-d). The funeral was...I gave the eulogy. When I wasnt giving the eulogy, I was livetweeting the funeral. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. If you're curious, search for #livefromthefuneral because oh my god it was just - ugh. No. Just no. The parts of me that are involved in grieving were not engaged.

Also my mom and sister kept telling me how I should behave. What the actual fuck. I'm one of the primary mourners. So you cry hysterically. Thats okay but my hysterical laughter isnt? It's releasing the exact fucking emotion, mine just feels better. I was, by the way, hysterically laughing in the limo - I kept finding Archer references to things [i.e. the trip to the cemetery was "so boring and forever taking"] and discussion of how much we(my mother and I) dislike the Boca Raton area. The conversation went as follows:

Mom: Welcome to Tamarac formerly-
Me: -known as the everglades. Ugh.
Mom: Well, you know, some people like it? I guess? That's a nice drainage ditch over there...
Me: If I had to choose would rather die in Somalia by a gunshot wound to the head from a warlord and be buried there than die and be buried here in south Florida.
Mom: Nope. No Rachael, I'd rather be here with my ex-husband AND my ex in-laws than in Somalia with a warlord.
*cue hysterical laughter on my part because oh my god you guys, you dont understand how much she dislikes my dad now and how badly his parents treated her - you really dont*
Me: No I think you missed part of it. I said I'd rather die there than die in south Florida. And I definitely would rather be buried there than here. I've got no active desire to go to Somalia at the moment.
Mom: Oh well. *shrug* Okay then.
Me: Well I've got nothing against Somalia itself, unlike this place, and it's got a lower chance of sinking into the ocean like Atlantis when the glaciers melt and also I've heard its fairly mineral rich. Also, it's not south Florida.
Mom: No it is not.
Me:Point of this is - don't bury me down here.
Mom: Don't bury me down here either.

Other death and dad related things - did you know my mom went to a lawyer and got it in writing that if all 4 of us were to die all at once, she was NOT to be buried next to my dad? She got in the same writing that I was to be buried the FARTHEST from him? She got both of these things written and set up because, she said, she didn't want her and I to be next to him so he could torture us for eternity but my sister can handle him which is why she'd go between him and my mom. OH THE THINGS YOU LEARN.

Burying my grandmother was kind of strange too, although I'm glad she wasn't cremated. It's not the Jewish way for one but for another, it means she gets to be next to Papa forever. That's how it should be. The burial itself though... everyone was just - again this is just not where my heart is for grief. I live on gallows humor so someone - my aunt I think - noticed that the coffin had a tag or something on it. The 3 of them(mom, aunt, d-bag uncle) started to get upset and I go "Grammy worked in retail her whole life. She'd love that it has a tag." so they dont freak out but also because I think its funny and I think its true. Like I said, that's not where my heart lives.

My heart lives in the fact that I'm doing the walk back to the car - which in Jewish tradition has a GAUNTLET OF CONDOLENCES - and this man who was in my mom/uncle/aunts youth takes my hand and goes "I'm so sorry for your loss. You gave a lovely speech. I'm ______. I went to high school with your dad. I mean your uncle." Yeah, I got into the limo to lose my shit over that because all of my family is broken but of all of our shattered and missing pieces - my father is the only piece out of my family because he treated me so badly for so long. I have never met any of his friends from high school. I couldn't call him when she died. I can't call him on father's day because it'll open the door for me to get hurt more. I hurt over him at Grammy's funeral which, to quote Hyperbole and a Half - no....she wanted the opposite of this. Like I said - woman had no saliva and spit on him in her last days and told me not to listen to or care for him. Yet there I was, crying over him being missing at HER funeral. Argh. Frustrating.

I also find myself mourning harder for Dolores every time I think of Grammy. They knew each other. They liked each other a lot. Dolores should've fucking outlived Grammy. How did she NOT outlive Grammy? When grief hits me over my grandmother, it kicks the Dolores grief back on because the "dying peacefully in her sleep with her daughter and granddaughter with her in her sleep at 82" death makes sense and is something I can cope with but "dead by her own hand at 24 leaving behind a daughter with no mother" is fucking insane and I can't deal with it. I get thrown there every damn time too. So there's THAT to deal with.

Anyway. So. She left me all her movie den and movie stuff yes? I mentioned that. Well I really lost it when I walked into the movie den and saw this room that was basically Grammy in a nutshell. I had to call for my mom because I lost it so hard. Things like that are where I cry - not funerals.

My goodbye was not the funeral. My goodbye was much earlier. We found her passport in a lockbox with her money and important papers etc so we could pay bills and such. My mom, my sister and my cousin Caty(who is a nurse and who was caring for her too) are looking through the things and I asked "Can I have her passport? I'm going to go put it under her pillow. I mean, you know, last trip." because those of you who have been around me for awhile know that I have a strong wanderlust. Theres nothing like getting a new stamp in those pages. You're somewhere else, somewhere new, you've moved and have the passport to prove that you have and more importantly - that you CAN get up and go. I wanted her to have that with her - sort of like coins on the eyes for the ferryman almost. Putting that under her pillow and saying goodbye like that was it for me. I went into the bathroom(because zero space or privacy) with my ipod and phone and just cried in the semi-dark for awhile.

I got a lot of her clothes though. Most of them werent really things I want - she was 80! most of the retro stuff was given to her kids when she moved back in '03. But I got a lot of her skirts for work when work returns and I got the sequened tops I used to play dress-up in with my sister and cousins when I was a very little girl. They fit in a sexy way now, which is hilarious but I have them and I have her movies. Her fandom. Okay, I've started crying but you guys, oh god, it was five DVD racks, plus the four shelves on 2 tv stands of DVDs. God, there were also books and a hefty John Wayne keychain.

The last day she was REALLY coherent - not the last day she was alive but the last day she still had SPARK - we watched Blood Alley with John Wayne and then she fell asleep before the end. After that she didnt wake up long enough to finish it. I have it in my bag. I keep trying to figure out when is the right time to watch it because I have to know how it ends you know? I have to. Point is, I packed her fandom up and I'm taking it into my home and adding it to my own fandom.

My family - they dont really get it. My mom tries but she doesnt have anything she's fannish about(Game of Thrones a little but not like this) - they didn't get it. They knew she loved it, they knew it was her passion but I dont think they got it, the way it infiltrates your life, the way it holds you up and keeps you breathing. Her family was with her, and so was the Duke and her musicals and I just- I can't deal with how huge a deal that was. It makes me both love fandom more and more scared of it. She & I started loving these things we love at about the same age - 12/13 - and she was still loving them fiercely when she died. It's huge and it makes me ache so much.

In the interim between that and me getting home - there were isolation issues because my mom and sister were Busy Being Mourners, and I was at a hotel, and I was out watching hockey and drinking when my family was at the Douchebag Uncle's because I'm not welcome there. That's what happens when you point out that someone's grandiosity is nearly delusional, they're overbearing, and that they're disingenuous(not in so many words but thats basically what happened at The Worst Thanksgiving Ever). So D-bag Uncle was running the show and I was not part of the cast or crew. Right after I left the D-bag Uncle apparently went BATSHIT CRAZY(no seriously, my aunt/his sister got scared of him and LEFT) and that story will come later.

Now I'm home and able to see where things are fraying. I'm dissociated for long stretches. I'm compulsive eating again. The biggest thing? I'm having A(ctivites of)D(aily)L(iving) issues. I'm having problems getting out of bed for a start which isn't a surprise. Thats standard with grief/depression. No, what's freaking me out is that I'm having shower/bath issues. I dont know why but it takes a lot to actually make myself get in the fucking shower or bath. It's a hygiene issue that is BIG and is one of the MANY reasons why I'm still in treatment and on so many meds. Basically I'm listening to the Black Parade for comfort(and Cancer on repeat when I need a good cry because jesus fuck MCR. You don't hit any less hard with time. God I love all of you so much. So fucking much) and Save Rock&Roll, reading a lot of fic and poking everyone I know online for company. It's all I've got.

There'll be another post soon I imagine. Dolores' birthday is in 3 days. My birthday is in 6 days. On that day I lose my health insurance. Woo. I imagine I'll have some some sort of post by then. Maybe I'll figure out something to do? I dont know. Even my online friends are busy on Sat the 15th. Father's Day's the 16th dont you know. So. Yeah.

Plus side, I get to go back to regular therapy now that I'm home. Thank fuck.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
Today my mom called to get me the car because a friend of a friend I've been trying to meet for the 9 days I've been in S. Florida was supposed to come here so I could have someone to hang out with for a few hours. "Be so glad you're not with the family." My mother said. "Your uncle is fucking crazy. Your sister will tell you one day. It's a stress ball." Needless to say when the Friend of A Friend had to cancel(shocker) I called her to try and make contact and she was like "Well you could come here but we're not really talking about her things or touching her stuff sooooo maybe you should stay there and chill out. No, go ahead and eat on your own. Trust me you dont want to be in this mess. You can come with when we go pick up your step-dad" *click* Okay. Um. Okay.

So needless to say I spent the day alone. Then we got my stepdad and we were going to get dinner but everything was closed so...I got a drink, watched the Penguins lose in a HUMILIATING 6-1 and went home - also alone.

I know you guys are out there. I do feel your love and your presence. My fairy godmother(Have I mentioned that I have a Fairy Godmother? I do. She's the best. She gives me hope.) got in touch with me again which helped loads. It's just - things are so fucked. You're all out there but you're too ephemeral and I need a more solid presence which I'm just not getting. Note all the, um, aloneness?

*drags hand over face* To add insult to all this injury, guess who had to plunge a dirty toilet in her own hotel room because there was no one to do it? Did you guess me? If you did you were right. Listen I didn't want to be here in the first place. I was fucking banished here like a treasonous prince but I understand that there are many people on earth in far worse states of being. However, payments were made for me to be here. That payment was for a room with clean sleeping quarters and working facilities. Expecting someone to fix them if they break is not unreasonable if I am in a room I paid for. This expectation is especially true as we live in a capitalist society where I'm going to lose my fucking healthcare in 11 days when I turn 26 as the WORST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER IMAGINED and the name of the game exchange of cash for goods and services. Cash was exchanged at this establishments so I am not out of line to I expect someone else to come and do this LITERAL shit job of a service for me when money was given.

But no. Things just keep being fuckawful. Tomorrow's the funeral then shiva. I imagine that will be fuckawful too.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
My grandmother is dead. She died at about 11 right around the time the Fall Out Boy show would've been closing which actually is a good thing as it will make getting a tattoo for her easier. I'll be able to use a lyric if I want. And hey! My mom called me by 12:30 and came and picked me up from the bar where I'd be watching the Blackhawks/Kings game and drinking Cookies&Creme martinis and listening to Fall Out Boy(and thinking about how my Fairy Godmother came through again and I'd get to go in September at least :D) so she only waited like...an hour and 3 drinks to tell me.

But hey! It got my sister to initiate an ACTUAL PHYSICAL LITERAL HUG WITH ME! No, you guys dont understand. This is like that episode of the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon hugged Penny. That my sister initiated affectionate contact is a big deal. Refreshing too.

Then we stood around with her body for awhile because...I have no fucking idea. She looked like one of those ice mummys, as I've said. Dead bodies that are fresh basically look like dead bodies that are 5000 years old. Hope it helped my family. I'm still too emotionally fucked up from yesterday to be more than just like "okay and?" because guys. She's been dying since we got here a week ago.

I had my moments. You read most of them. They were hurtful and ugly as sin. Enough. My grammie was not that person. My real goodbye was something else and I'll talk about it later, probably after the funeral which will be, I dont know, Tuesday or Wednesday? Who fucking knows. I would like to note that yet again I have no idea whats going on. I'm alone but for once I'm kinda fucking relieved. I was too drunk to deal with their emotions tonight when I'm mostly just annoyed.

Anyway, she's dead. As someone said "They kicked you out and then she died." Yep. Looks that way I guess.

I dont know. Maybe I needed to leave for her to die? I dont know why it would make a difference that I wasnt there but my sister and mother were but I was the last person to leave and not come back of the people before she left so, as another internet person pointed out "Maybe you had to leave so she could leave too."

I dont know.

However I would like for you to take not that I used my Gone with the Wind icon in honor of Marilyn Esrig because I watched it for the first time with her at age 8 in her house in Birmingham Alabama. I remember that I got to stay up to the outrageously late time of after midnight to watch the whole thing with my cousin Michelle(the uncle's daughter) and that while she fell asleep half way through it, I pitched the most epic of all hissyfits when Rhett walked out the door declaring FRANKLY MY DEAR I DONT GIVE A DAMN and then DIDNT COME BACK! I was hooked way before that - on John Wayne with Hatari when I was too young to talk because OMG ELEPHANTS! ZEBRAS! MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH FOREIGN TRIBES ON TV WHERE THEY WERENT BELITTLED OR TREATED AS LESS THAN FOR BEING DIFFERENT THAN WHITE PEOPLE!, on Charleton Heston, Jimmy Stewart and Betty Hutton with the Greatest Show On Earth, on all things musical with The King and I and Fiddler on the Roof, on Katherine Hepburn with the African Queen - but I grew up in the buckle of the bible belt and once I saw Gone with the Wind, it was all over for me. I was in the movie hole with her and she knew it.

So I get it all, damnit. The movie den is mine. Every DVD. Every VHS. Every book. Every picture. Every poster. Every puzzle that is a scene from a film. It's all mine because when I look at the last half of my life and see fandom, I can trace it back to Grammie and know that its not just who I am, its who she is too.

Ten bucks says Uncle Douchebag tries to fight me on it. Bring it. Because now that she is gone I am ready to make the insipid motivational video intro video he made the biggest joke on the internet. I trust you guys will help me spread it to reddit, tumblr, twitter etc should the need arise.

So any road, may she rest in peace but that one step down right? Now we've just got the funeral. Then shiva. Then who the fuck knows. Packing maybe?

I am so fucked up you guys. Not necessarily about her dying. Just, you know. In general.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So. I woke up yesterday to my mother standing beside my bed asking if I was going to still go hang out with my aunt and if so I needed to get up now. Then she said "Also, you're going to stay with your uncle[whom some of you may remember from The Worst Thanksgiving Of All Time] or in a hotel. Decide."

I blinked at her. "Uh. Yeah I'm still going."

"And where are you staying? I need to know so I can start making arrangements while you pack so you'll be ready when you get back from your movie with Aunt Bonnie."

"Um, my uncle's?" Because you see he is a tremendous douchebag but he's still my family.

So she texts him. I check on the status and she says "He didnt get back to me." Texts twice. Then after an hour of my shoving everything I brought with me into my bags, news comes down - absolutely not, I cannot stay there. Nevermind that my Aunt is staying there. Nevermind that my cousins stayed there. Nevermind that my sister has stayed there. I, Rachael, am not allowed to stay there. So I go to a movie with Aunt Bonnie - Now You See Me (aka if TSN If Mark Were Into Magic Instead of Coding and ) - and come back, my mom has narrowed it down to 2 hotels. Best Western and LaQuinta. She books the first one LaQuinta and we get there and no, that one is a reservation but its too expensive - by ten bucks a night. So she moves me down the highway by 2 miles.

The whole time we're driving my mother's talking about how I'll be so relieved once I get there. I'll have my own space. I wont have to fight with anyone. There will be more space for anyone. I'll have more independence. Plus I can stay up as late as I want and I wont have to whisper into the phone at night. Won't that be great?

Forgetting the part that she couched being "sent" to a hotel as a threat the entire time I was here, and starting before I even left Atlanta. Her declaration and follow up punishment was penalty for my behavior - that behavior being me, existing on earth as Rachael who EVERYONE seems to find a problem. It was horrible to be banished by yet another family member. I'm at four now btw - father, sister, uncle, and now mother.

However, that isn't the biggest issue. Most of the people reading my journal have an idea of my trauma. They're aware of the fact that I have a severe mental illness and that I have PTSD that is linked to extreme traumatic transience. The reality of the situation yesterday was that my mom rousted me from my sleep with the message of "grab your shit and go." In case I'm not clear:

~She woke me up with an enactment of my worst nightmare. She told a PTSD victim who's illness is based in sudden moves in turbulent times to pack her things up, pick a place and go with no timeline on return. She even talked about how this was better than *living like we did during the hurricane* which is my PTSD point of origin.~

As I told my mom, triggers arent like spiders.They arent gone once you step on them. They're more like huge rocks you drop on a calm lake. It can take anywhere from hours to weeks for the waves the refreshed trauma to still again.

Then she came in and flopped on the bed like she wanted to stay and hang out all "ah isnt this room great? I didnt scream at her or call her a piece of shit or a hateful cuntface or any of the things I wanted to do like, scream at her or slap her across the face. I'm still angry. I can function calmly and rationally but oh god I am so angry.

So thats the state of my union. I'm currently staying in a very comfortable but empty hotel room. Waiting for my grandmother's body to catch up with her spirit and let loose this mortal coil. Alone. Because I was a bad girl. Not a woman 13 days away from her 26th birthday who chose to do it that way - but because I was a bad girl and I needed to be punished and since I lack a car, money, or any agency over my own life - I was put in a higher class version of the corner. For my friends in Hockey fandom - it's a bit like Two Minutes For Being Matt Cooke - only in this instance its Banished From Most Family Moments For Being Rachael.

Fall Out Boy is probably just getting rolling right now and I'm at a sports bar watching hockey. Say it with me class! Alone.

Honestly the only things that are stopping me from giving into this feeling: having to explain it to her as a my therapist[omg such a hassle], knowing I'd have to clean up after whatever bad choice I made because I hate cleaning, refusal to do anything that could risk me not being in perfect condition for ComicCon in July and TV: I need to see if Lucrezia and Cesare get their shit together on Borgias, Teen Wolf is returning and one day I'll get to watch that, and in the fall there will be Agents of SHEILD, American Horror Story, and Archer.

Wow. I have a sad empty lonely fucking life. Look at that. The reasons I have not to give into this despair are TV, dislike of cleaning, dislike of explaining my misbehavior to authority figures and ComicCon. Just when I thought I couldn't feel more alone.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
- I can has a job! I'm officially a substitute teachers. Mostly I tell 11-13 olds to be quiet, sit down, dont touch that, no you may not go to the bathroom, no i dont care what your teacher normally does because this is what we're doing today, no you may not work in groups, and if you're going to talk to me you can look me in the eye because thats what civilized people do when they have a verbal discourse. Then I get to move them to different seats around the room, write their names down, send them to different teachers or call an administrator to come "deal with them."

However, there are shining moments when I get to teach, though its not always related to the subject matter. I got to stop a a kid in a social studies class who told someone they were worthless and should kill themselves and tell them and the rest of the class why they should never, EVER, talk like that using my life and my loss as an example. In a math class, after overhearing a small argument, I broke it up then I explained why calling a guy a "girl" to insult him along with any other feminine based insult is actually degrading to women and lowering both them as men and as human beings and showing the girls that yes, this is a bigger problem than it looks like. That same class I also explained what a parallelogram is and how its different from a rhombus to a problem case who was giving me tzurus ten minutes before but is sitting with me at the desk taking rapt notes now because I have answers in a different way of describing it than his math teacher did.

And sometimes, like today, you have a horrible day where the kids curse and storm out and cuss at each other and actually cheer when you leave but then, in your last period - there's a tiny moment of light. They're doing a packet on Leonardo da Vinci and when they're done they ask "well now what do we do?" Read? Draw? Talk very quietly amongst yourselves? Or we could talk about da Vinci and how he wasnt just an artist but also a crazy genius who designed things a crazy death scythe chariot, a machine gun, and robots. Most of the class chose to do the first three but I had one boy come from the VERY back of the class, with his chair, set it down in front of me and say "Tell me more about Da Vinci." And in the 20 minutes left in class I covered with this kid - iconographic art and the transition to more realistic renaissance portraiture and scenes(ala the last supper), the advent of the printing press, medieval medicine, the limited understanding of the human body, the value of the vitruvian man, the working helicopter models da Vinci came up with, and how on top of being a genius, this was the point in history when people were starting to realize that the world around them was bigger than just their homes and neighbors. He sat there, when he could've been in the back with his friends chatting, with me talking about these historical things, and at the end of the class wanted to know more to the point that I got to direct him to the library. That one kid made my whole freaking day worth getting up for. Well that and the money, obvs. :P

-Everybody holding up okay after MikeyWaygate2013? Man. That could've been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend. Seriously Mikey - what what what are you doing? Look at your life, look at your choices. Sucks that its happening because the two of them were always so....lovely when I saw them together. I'm not judging because DBT teaches no judgement and I'm trying to practice that. I still love this band a stupid degree. Doesnt affect the way I look at them as artists although I'm less physically attracted to Mikey now. Mostly, I feel markedly bad for Alicia because she was nothing but kind and friendly to me every time we met. If she was anything near as nice to her friends as she was to a strange little fangirl like me, then she definitely doesnt deserve this kind of hurt. So for that, I has a sad :(

-My mom is far less verbally abusive and is almost back to normal. Like she was possessed - Supernatural style - and Sam and Dean snuck in and exorcised her without me noticing. YAY! Avoiding her is really helping but she's more relaxed now I've got a job. My dad is still mindfucking her over the divorce stuff (even though they signed the papers 10 years ago - they're still in court. Yeah.) That should be getting closer to the end soon. The trial is next month. My sister is currently in town. BEHOLD! A PICTURE OF US! I am the heavy set one in stripes. She is the beautiful one. Seriously. Very glad she's here but there's now 3 of us in 2 bedrooms. *facepalm* this apartment isnt built for that.
picture )

-Mental health: waxes and wanes. The very best way to get ahold of me is to chat with me via gchat, aim, yim etc because when I get low, I dont post here on LJ or DW for weeks because of, well, the depression. Then I stick to tumblr where I reblog pictures of Teen Wolf, Avengers, and OUAT characters sometimes with snarky commentary. I'm on a new cocktail and it seems to be working for now though.

-Addicted to Hollyoaks. Like badly. Like - I went back to 2011 and have been watching the full half hour eps in order. Send help?

-For later! I wrote since last we spoke. 2 for The Hour during Yuletide, and at least 3 for Teen Wolf that isn't up here but I'll do an official posty thing for them when its not almost 5am. Also there are TMI sex things I want to blog/talk to you guys about they're long and thinky and TMI so again, not for 5am. This whole area is for next post.

-Things are a hot mess all over - but with my new job, my old crazy, my sister in the house, MikeyWaygate2013, and all the other craziness that is going on in my world (and there's more but its too day-to-day to detail), I signed up for the words and deeds meme and thats my thread. I could use some of this for a push through to the other side to Tuesday (when my sister will have left for Colorado, I dont know why she's going, and my mom will have left for Florida and the trial and will not be getting her negative scary on me).

-Lastly, you guys Warm Bodies comes out Friday in the US. It's a zom-rom-com. Oh yeah. Zombie romantic comedy. If you can go see it, please do. We want this one to do well so it will encourage the studios to make smarter more interesting movies rather than the same crap over and over. Plus, John Malkovich is in it, and along with Nicholas Hoult(the kid from About A Boy who grew up, got hot, and then was on Skins) and Rob Cordry as zombies yes.
dancinbutterfly: (Teen Wolf -)
It's been just over a year exactly since I was first hospitalized for my mental illness. Sometime in the next month - I'll be officially discharging from Skyland Trail psychiatric treatment facility. I'm not a different person. I'm more the person I'm supposed to be.

I'm a published writer. I dont get paid for it but I write two columns weekly for the web magazine Den of Geek reviewing tv shows. One for Beauty and the Beast(which is deeply flawed but stars two fairly awesome WOC who I kinda adore), one for Haven which you can read Here. And I've got dibs on the SHIELD TV show when it comes out(\o/COULSON LIVES FURY LIED\O/) and will be doing the Following and Lost Girl in the spring.

I'm going to start coming back to LJ now that things are resettling. Also I'm endevoring to crosspost to DW. But since I'm me and I'm obstinate, I draft and post here and then upload to DW second. I know. Counter-intuitive but with the US staff leaving SUP I'm trying to be supportive while also being proactive in my self defense measures. Anyway. I'm dancinbutterfly over there too if you'd rather read those posts. Comment here for now though please? I'm still getting used to things.

Speaking of getting used to things: I'm adjusted to the new computer(a Mac) from the old computer (a PC) and covered it in stickers. ) How many references can you get? No seriously. I'm curious cause I covered Allison in them. :D

Which reminds me: Teen Wolf ate me. I'm posting all that at AO3 now. After this, I'll be doing a much better job at cross posting the links here. For now, have a fic link dump! All of these are Derek/Stiles. All of these are rated and warned in the AO3 post.


A Californian Werewolf in New York
Collab with [livejournal.com profile] knight_tracer that was originally supposed to be for [livejournal.com profile] pod_together and kinda exploded and [livejournal.com profile] reena_jenkins made a cover. When Derek finally realizes that there's nothing left for him in Beacon Hills, he goes back to New York, gets a life, falls in love and finds his home. Cameo by Oz of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Tried and Tested Series
1.I'm Betting This Wasn't Beta Tested
Derek is thrown into a violent heat in the wake of Lydia and Peter's actions at the end of Party Guessed. Debilitated by his own needs, Derek reaches out to Stiles, the only person he wants and can hope to trust.
2.Well, You Failed That Pop Quiz
Derek's life is never easy. That's probably why he ends up on Deaton's exam table then Stiles' bedroom. There are some issues no wolf should ever have to deal with and being unexpectedly bred in the aftermath of his heat is at the top of the list.
3.There Will Be an Essay Portion
Dude plus dude does not equal baby. Stiles knows this. He did the math. Only it turns out that werewolf math works differently sometimes. Yeah, Stiles is in so deep. His dad is going to make sure of that.
4.How To Pass A Take-Home Exam
Sheriff Stilinski just learned about werewolves and the upcoming arrival of an unexpected grandchild via an impossible magic pregnancy. He's having a very hard day. Unfortunately, his evening doesn't look like it will be any easier.

And if you dont like to read? Have a listen because there are podfic versions of ALL of these because [livejournal.com profile] dodificus and [livejournal.com profile] knight_tracer are both so awesome I may actually die. Seriously.

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