dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So back in September there was a giant clusterfuck with my insurance not recognizing my disability and not being able to afford my meds. I went through withdrawal and everything. My mom and I spent a solid week on the phone working to get put back on. Now, two months later, a letter came in the mail stating due to my disability - I'm officially covered on my mom's insurance until January 1st 2024. HALLELUJAH!

For those of you outside the USA with socialized healthcare let me explain what this means. It means that until I'm 37 no matter what happens, I have health insurance and can get health care without worrying about it breaking me financially. Til I finish graduate school and get my career moving, I dont have to fear losing my psych meds or getting sick. I can just live. It's a huge relief. I'm protected. I'm safe.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So, it was gallbladder disease. They cut the fucker out and after almost a month, i am finally allowed to eat again. I'm allowed to work again. I was already doing computer writing networking work post-op with mounting frustration as my editors did NOTHING with the gems i was bringing them. Guys. Screeners. Interviews with casts. "No we dont want it." O_O

Over the last week post-op on vicodin and free time I came to the realization that you know what? Imbeing wasted by the staffers. I'm too fucking resourceful and you know what else? Im willing to work too hard. Im willing to go after things and make phone calls and stay up until 5am to call british companies to get what i need done and where I am doesnt value then.

For the first time in my life I KNOW that I deserve better, that I am too fucking good for this. I am TOO GOOD FOR THEM. As someone who has suffered from CRIPPLING self esteem issues my ENTIRE life that realization - knowing it as FACT - is an intoxicant. I AM too good for this. I AM too talented. I AM better at the hacks who are getting paid to write the local sex column. I AM a harder worker than the people phoning it in at XYZ. I dont think. I KNOW. Its empirical.

Knowing that is making me brave as shit because I'm an incredible smart person. I like to believe that one of my better attributes is kindness, although when asked to describe me no one ever says I'm kind, but the word smart always comes up. So fuck it. I'm smart. I'm applying at places that smart people can fucking get with the resources I have damnit. Freelance positions at AP magazine, at Rolling Stone, at Playboy, at Cosmo to start. I've got a roof over my head, a job thats flexible, and a parent who believes in my dream more than me. So fuck it. Fuck it. I'm going to shoot for the top and keep shooting until I hit something. I have different stories for all of them that would be more interesting that some of what's in there. You guys have been following me for years. You know. You judge for yourself.

Judging for myself, the shit I wrote when I was twenty-one was better than most of the crap people are getting published now and now that I'm properly medicated, properly operated on, and finally have a body of work I can point to and say "IM FUCKING PRESS, I HAVE CONNECTIONS TO PR COMPANIES AND CONDUCTED MAJOR INTERVIEWS THAT NO ONE ELSE GOT" I judge that the time has come for me to finally try and have a life. I dont think its in Atlanta. I truly don't. But we live in the internet age so I'm going to do as much of it from here as I can - and I finally KNOW its a lot.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT: GENERALISSIMO FREDRICO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD!

I'm sorry wrong report. I'm still sick. We're entering WEEK THREE. I'm going to repeat that: WEEK. THREE. I havent left the house to do anything but go to doctors office since July. Everything I was building has eroded because I dont have the energy or strength to work on it. I don't hurt too severely - but thats because I'm on Lortab, Zofran, and Bentyl for pain, nausea, and spasms every four hours on the dot(with the exception of when I'm asleep at which point I take meds as soon as I wake up). I've been on a liquid diet for TEN DAYS. I've recently moved up to toast and bananas so VICTORY!

I'm exhausted and its enfuriating because I'm not doing anything. I'm also not getting any answers. I had to fast 5 times last week. Its horrible and thirst enducing. Then there are all these could-be false ends. Thursday they thought it was the gallbladder and sent me to a surgeon and everything. But the surgeon sent me home with a "Nope. It's not. Enjoy your weekend. Have fun at your doctor's office on Monday because illnesses take weekends off."

I may have lost my shit and cried in his office. It's possible. I pulled out My Chemical Romance to help me cope for the first time in a very long time. I havent needed them as a crutch in ages but they still hold me up and its good to know that still works when nothing else does.

I can't even watch most TV. Plots and feelings are too much because I feel too shitty. I can read some fanfic and I'm writing a shockingly large amount on one story which I'm currently calling The Gangbang Derek Fic(because Derek and Stiles meet while Derek is at the center of a gangbang in a bathhouse - trust me, it makes sense in the context of the fic and its actually kind of the sweetest love story I've written in ages) but mostly just...Project Runway, Face Off, and every cooking competition on earth because I have food fantasies that are just aggressively intense since I stopped being able to eat.

And no end in sight.

I dont want to be sick anymore. I just got my brain better. Why does my body think its okay to turn on me now?
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So, I had the endoscopy yesterday. It took an incredibly long time to get seen. My pain level was high and the dehydration was so bad from pre-op fasting I could barely walk. They had to help me around I was so weak. The procedure didn't even find out what the real problem is. I have gastritis and esophagitis(inflammation and irritation of the esophagus, stomach, and intestines) but Dr. Han, my GI, says thats not was causing the real problem.

On the upside, the anesthesiologist asked what I was listening to on my iPod and when I said Fall Out Boy he said "We can listen to that!" He then pulled them up on his phone and played them in the operating room until they finally knocked me out, three and a half songs later(Dance Dance, This Ain't a Scene, My Songs, part of Sugar We're Going Down). Ah, bandom. You are still providing me solace in my hour of need, you really are, God love you.

Today I had an ultrasound. Sounds simple and easy and relatively painless right? Wrong. Since it was over the places that are messed up it hurt like hell. I dont know what they found because Dr. Han has to look at it. I've also got a hidascan coming up but IDEK what the hell that is.

However! I have graduated from clear liquids to dry white bread toast, bananas, smoothies (so long as they use almond or rice milk rather than actual or soy milk and active culture frozen plain vanilla yogurt - not ice cream), and clear soup that has noodles in it! You have no idea guys. This is so awesome I am dying with excitement. I get to have two kind of solids! So fucking awesome.

Anyway, I'm super medicated and even with the change in diet I'm not getting many nutrients so I'm constantly tired and weak. I also can't do any lifting or much moving because of the strain on my body and the post-anesthesia orders. But hey, I'm catching up on a lot of reality tv.
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
Am now fasting before my endoscopy. I am so thirsty I want to cry.

Ironic as I've been hating my liquid diet for the last several days and always always resulting in pain no matter what I consume. I'm so tired because I cant get any real nutrients and I'm in a bad mood because everything tastes the same. I cant even have smoothies with flavors - fruit, peanut butter, chocolate, etc.

Please let this end. Please?
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
So. I had a stomach bug starting on tuesday - the kind where every stomach symptom you can POSSIBLY have - I had. And it continued on Wednesday. And Thursday. But in my family we have a history of gastrointestinal problems a mile long the way some people have the cancer gene so on thursday my mom was like "thats it you're going to my GI doctor." So we went, Dr Han poked around and then said "You need to go to the ER. Now. It could be your gallbadder or appendix or intestines and something could be ruptured. Get a CT scan and go right now." She even wrote me a prescription to give to the triage nurse. YEAH. Lots of morphine, anti-nausea medication, and a saline IV drip later I could at least breathe. Then they brought in a freaking QUART of the foulest yellow liquid EVER MADE which is a contrast dye for the CT scan that I had to drink and 5 hours, a scan, a urinalysis, five vials of blood and a bunch of drugs later I was sent home with the diagnosis of a UTI and that it was possibly gastritis(an inflammation or erosion of the stomach and in my case intestine lining) or severe ulcers right were my stomach and intestine meet.

I was put on a clear liquid diet - this is Thursday mind - and Friday I went to the GI doctor again. She checked more and declared that I needed to stay on the liquid diet, the anti-nausea meds, the opiate pain meds, the antacids, the anti-gas meds, the anti-diahrrea meds, and that on monday I would come in for an endoscapy(which is a full anasthesia procedure) and possible biopsy to find out what exactly is wrong with me. There is no guarantee that after Monday I'll be off liquid dieting(in fact I doubt it). Then on Friday I come back for an ultra-sound because the GI doctor is fairly sure that there is something wrong with my gallbladder on top of this too. Yay.

I feel like hell, in case you were wondering. The fluid diet is killing me. KILLING ME. Killing me. And I hurt and I am so damn tired and my mood is abysmal and I just want it to be over already. Seriously cut me open if thats what it takes. I just want this to be over.

You don't have to give me any sympathetic words. I just needed to rant.

However if you want to help, my bookmarks section on my AO3 account as a lot of bookmarks that say THIS SHOULD BE PODFICCED!" which would be nice because there are many many hours of me lying curled up and fetal with my eyes closed hating everything. Other than that, things just suck in Rachael's body right now and I needed to vent that somewhere.

If you want to see some stuff that doesn't suck check out rachaelkates.tumblr.com to see my interviews from Comic Con. That's actually good.
dancinbutterfly: (Zombieland - Tallahassee)
Vomit and a vacuum cleaner.
An x-acto knife and construction paper.
5 tubes of drawn blood.
A 560+ question True/False personality test
A triggered fire alarm.
A free 4 oz. tube of KY jelly.
Pancakes.
The Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Studies.
Beta-blockers (yes like they give old people)

How how how how is this my life?
dancinbutterfly: (Zombieland - Tallahassee)
Vomit and a vacuum cleaner.
An x-acto knife and construction paper.
5 tubes of drawn blood.
A 560+ question True/False personality test
A triggered fire alarm.
A free 4 oz. tube of KY jelly.
Pancakes.
The Office of the Dean of Undergraduate Studies.
Beta-blockers (yes like they give old people)

How how how how is this my life?

Ugh

Mar. 2nd, 2010 02:28 am
dancinbutterfly: (M*A*S*H - onesided convo)
I've been sick to my stomach - the gross icky kind - for about 4 days now. And I'm like "WTF am I eating" because usually, this level of yuck involves me making Bad Food Choices. I tried a few things that usually work and they didn't help. So tried to eat things I knew for a fact WOULDNT upset me stomach. That didnt work either. And as I lay in bed trying to get some sleep tonight I thought "hey, I'm on that new long-term antibiotic now." Which, I think, is the answer to what's wrong with me. Which means I must find time to get to Publix for yogurt. Right. Because I'm not busy enough right now. Awesome.

In other news - I'm in a panic over a midterms particularly because I cannot focus on school work. Damn you bandom. I finally figured out how Prison is going to go and Slideverse started talking to me(which means when you log on [livejournal.com profile] ladyfoxxx wait for me, you wont be sorry) and I feel all productive. JUST NOT THE RIGHT KIND OF PRODUCTIVE! I NEED THE BANDOM MUSE TO SHUT UP FOR 4 DAYS SO I CAN PLEASE DO WHAT I NEED TO DO PLEASE OKAY? *whimpers in defeat* I dont know shit about the Ottoman empire anyway. *waves the white flag*

Ugh

Mar. 2nd, 2010 02:28 am
dancinbutterfly: (M*A*S*H - onesided convo)
I've been sick to my stomach - the gross icky kind - for about 4 days now. And I'm like "WTF am I eating" because usually, this level of yuck involves me making Bad Food Choices. I tried a few things that usually work and they didn't help. So tried to eat things I knew for a fact WOULDNT upset me stomach. That didnt work either. And as I lay in bed trying to get some sleep tonight I thought "hey, I'm on that new long-term antibiotic now." Which, I think, is the answer to what's wrong with me. Which means I must find time to get to Publix for yogurt. Right. Because I'm not busy enough right now. Awesome.

In other news - I'm in a panic over a midterms particularly because I cannot focus on school work. Damn you bandom. I finally figured out how Prison is going to go and Slideverse started talking to me(which means when you log on [livejournal.com profile] ladyfoxxx wait for me, you wont be sorry) and I feel all productive. JUST NOT THE RIGHT KIND OF PRODUCTIVE! I NEED THE BANDOM MUSE TO SHUT UP FOR 4 DAYS SO I CAN PLEASE DO WHAT I NEED TO DO PLEASE OKAY? *whimpers in defeat* I dont know shit about the Ottoman empire anyway. *waves the white flag*

Head cold

Dec. 3rd, 2009 06:24 pm
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
Still have a head cold. Now with added broken parts *sigh* My laptop hit the ground and fucked things up :( I have to take it in to get fixed tomorrow. It's functioning but still, suck.

So here's an meme I'm hoping will help me finish the timestamp stuff I've got piled up. I have one so far. It's 7000 words. *headdesk*

Name a character from a shared fandom and I'll tell you three (or more) facts about them from my own personal pseudo-canon.

Head cold

Dec. 3rd, 2009 06:24 pm
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
Still have a head cold. Now with added broken parts *sigh* My laptop hit the ground and fucked things up :( I have to take it in to get fixed tomorrow. It's functioning but still, suck.

So here's an meme I'm hoping will help me finish the timestamp stuff I've got piled up. I have one so far. It's 7000 words. *headdesk*

Name a character from a shared fandom and I'll tell you three (or more) facts about them from my own personal pseudo-canon.

Brain worm

Dec. 2nd, 2009 06:41 am
dancinbutterfly: (MCR - Mikey/Pete)
Dear Mikey and Pete,

Get the fuck out of my brain. I do not have time for either of you. You are both needy freaks with weird quirks and weird hair and I shouldn't feel responsible for your happy ending! You're both married to wonderful women who you seem to love. There is no reason for me to feel compelled to write yet more random fic about you.

Please fuck off so I can write my papers. They're due Friday.

Love,
Rachael


*points* They wont leave me alone. Seriously, I start 50 words of comment-not!fic for the timestamp meme and suddenly I've got 3000 words of alternate-ending-for-the-summer-of-like-involving-Gerard/LynZ-esque-life-choices and not word one written on EITHER paper. What the bug fuck? Seriously?

*sigh* I think I must have indulged myself because I really do feel like utter freaking shit with this damn cold. Fantasy land makes me feel better.

The fact that The Boy and I are getting together this week makes me feel better too :D

Brain worm

Dec. 2nd, 2009 06:41 am
dancinbutterfly: (MCR - Mikey/Pete)
Dear Mikey and Pete,

Get the fuck out of my brain. I do not have time for either of you. You are both needy freaks with weird quirks and weird hair and I shouldn't feel responsible for your happy ending! You're both married to wonderful women who you seem to love. There is no reason for me to feel compelled to write yet more random fic about you.

Please fuck off so I can write my papers. They're due Friday.

Love,
Rachael


*points* They wont leave me alone. Seriously, I start 50 words of comment-not!fic for the timestamp meme and suddenly I've got 3000 words of alternate-ending-for-the-summer-of-like-involving-Gerard/LynZ-esque-life-choices and not word one written on EITHER paper. What the bug fuck? Seriously?

*sigh* I think I must have indulged myself because I really do feel like utter freaking shit with this damn cold. Fantasy land makes me feel better.

The fact that The Boy and I are getting together this week makes me feel better too :D
dancinbutterfly: (MCR - Hero!Frank- Venganza)
I do not feel well at all. I got a note for today - the nurse didnt want to give it to me because I think she thought I was faking. It's ironic because I totally was planning on faking but then got for real sick! But if I had, my symptoms would've been a lot less random. I told my real symptoms because I want real help of which I got very fucking little. Shocker.

*chinhands*

So talk to me about tattoo placement instead. I talked to my mom and Robyn about where I should get it and it's got me second guessing where my marionette should go. Concerns about dresses and shirts, getting a job, etc make me wonder if the front of my shoulder/down my chest is the right place for her. Other places open for consideration - thigh, shoulder blade, top of my feet. What other options do I have? Who has pros and cons and other suggestions?
dancinbutterfly: (MCR - Hero!Frank- Venganza)
I do not feel well at all. I got a note for today - the nurse didnt want to give it to me because I think she thought I was faking. It's ironic because I totally was planning on faking but then got for real sick! But if I had, my symptoms would've been a lot less random. I told my real symptoms because I want real help of which I got very fucking little. Shocker.

*chinhands*

So talk to me about tattoo placement instead. I talked to my mom and Robyn about where I should get it and it's got me second guessing where my marionette should go. Concerns about dresses and shirts, getting a job, etc make me wonder if the front of my shoulder/down my chest is the right place for her. Other places open for consideration - thigh, shoulder blade, top of my feet. What other options do I have? Who has pros and cons and other suggestions?
dancinbutterfly: (Zombieland - Tallahassee)
This weekend was incredibly difficult. My grammie is old and tired and fucking terrified of her current situation (cancer) and it was just hard. Everyone was on edge. Everyone was snapping. Everything was strained. There were definite golden moments but I spent a lot of time waiting for someone to burst into tears.

Thats not even counting the hotel drama - which was epic. The hotel we stayed in originally - the Holiday Park Inn in Deerfield Beach. They were running a con where they show a nice room and them book you into a shitty disgusting one and then dont let you get your money back/check out/etc without it being a Dramatic Situation Involving The Manager. On top of that it was the kind of place where it wasn't safe for a woman to walk alone not even during the day. We ended up moving hotels but another woman - a Brazilian national who was a having tourbles with them too - and we had to help. We just did and it ended up being more tzuris with a security guard who was being a bully and a creepy guy verbally sexually harassing us. It was just bad.

Upside - I got 4 new pairs of shoes (thanks black friday leftovers) all of them fabulous. Also, I spent about 15 hours of quality time with [livejournal.com profile] mondegreen driving down Florida and back. On the way we saw 3 really epic car wrecks - none of which had anyone injured. One was a 9 car pile up, one was an 11 car pile up, and one was a single car accident where the WHOLE ENGINE BLOCK WAS ON FIRE! CRAZY! Aside from the traffic it was a seriously easy road trip. We talked so much, it was awesome. I did talk myself hoarse though and now I'm getting sick and that is not helping at all. :(

Going to the doctor tomorrow because my throat and sinuses hurt but also my head hurts so bad that Coldplay is too abrasive to listen to right now. You read that right. Yes, I'm that sick. *sigh*

We did come up with a cool band name on the drive though: The Vermicious Squares. When we start our band, thats who we're going to be. :D I think we should make up Cafe Press t-shirts [livejournal.com profile] mondegreen! Like the Sweet Little Dudes only w/o the homoeroticism. :D

Speaking of, I'm writing a The Family Man AU for those two boys. *sighs*Its ridiculous but fun and so not what I need to be doing. But the idea of Pete with a minivan living in Jersey with Mikey cracks my shit up. :D
dancinbutterfly: (Zombieland - Tallahassee)
This weekend was incredibly difficult. My grammie is old and tired and fucking terrified of her current situation (cancer) and it was just hard. Everyone was on edge. Everyone was snapping. Everything was strained. There were definite golden moments but I spent a lot of time waiting for someone to burst into tears.

Thats not even counting the hotel drama - which was epic. The hotel we stayed in originally - the Holiday Park Inn in Deerfield Beach. They were running a con where they show a nice room and them book you into a shitty disgusting one and then dont let you get your money back/check out/etc without it being a Dramatic Situation Involving The Manager. On top of that it was the kind of place where it wasn't safe for a woman to walk alone not even during the day. We ended up moving hotels but another woman - a Brazilian national who was a having tourbles with them too - and we had to help. We just did and it ended up being more tzuris with a security guard who was being a bully and a creepy guy verbally sexually harassing us. It was just bad.

Upside - I got 4 new pairs of shoes (thanks black friday leftovers) all of them fabulous. Also, I spent about 15 hours of quality time with [livejournal.com profile] mondegreen driving down Florida and back. On the way we saw 3 really epic car wrecks - none of which had anyone injured. One was a 9 car pile up, one was an 11 car pile up, and one was a single car accident where the WHOLE ENGINE BLOCK WAS ON FIRE! CRAZY! Aside from the traffic it was a seriously easy road trip. We talked so much, it was awesome. I did talk myself hoarse though and now I'm getting sick and that is not helping at all. :(

Going to the doctor tomorrow because my throat and sinuses hurt but also my head hurts so bad that Coldplay is too abrasive to listen to right now. You read that right. Yes, I'm that sick. *sigh*

We did come up with a cool band name on the drive though: The Vermicious Squares. When we start our band, thats who we're going to be. :D I think we should make up Cafe Press t-shirts [livejournal.com profile] mondegreen! Like the Sweet Little Dudes only w/o the homoeroticism. :D

Speaking of, I'm writing a The Family Man AU for those two boys. *sighs*Its ridiculous but fun and so not what I need to be doing. But the idea of Pete with a minivan living in Jersey with Mikey cracks my shit up. :D
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - On Fire)
I woke up about 10 minutes ago with a stomach ache. The kind that makes you wanna crawl in a hole and die. And I lay there staring at the ceiling thinking "can I skip class and just stay in bed and do nothing but sleep, fic and drink matzoh ball soup?" But as I'm a junkie with an addiction, I had to check my email before I could decide anything. And wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles - my teacher CANCELED CLASS! I'm too sick to flail but if I could, I would. You know what that means? I can take a phenegrin and go to sleep, guilt free. Thank you universe. Thank you so much.
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - On Fire)
I woke up about 10 minutes ago with a stomach ache. The kind that makes you wanna crawl in a hole and die. And I lay there staring at the ceiling thinking "can I skip class and just stay in bed and do nothing but sleep, fic and drink matzoh ball soup?" But as I'm a junkie with an addiction, I had to check my email before I could decide anything. And wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles - my teacher CANCELED CLASS! I'm too sick to flail but if I could, I would. You know what that means? I can take a phenegrin and go to sleep, guilt free. Thank you universe. Thank you so much.

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