dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So. Things have been rough for Team Rachael - once again FSU made my life nearly ruined because of timing - joy. There was a lot of nearly collapsing in and I made nearly got withdrawn and a few days were spent with me working through tears but today I got it done. Social Work Grad School - You are applied for.

Not to mention - I may have lost my space at ComicCon not to mention my press access because they dont Have Enough Room and thought now would be a good time to tell me, a month away when I already bought a flight and made commitments to share a room. Awesome. I literally live for these five days. Literally. I mean there were days where I was like "I can hurt myself! I'd miss SDCC" and its kept me from serious ideation since i got sick. Not an option not to go.

Ah well. I did get a job. Still phone job, still for an adult line but I'm not doing chats, I'll be running customer service and dispatch and making (hopefully) more money.

But I kept getting kicked in the face and in tears but I kept being like "okay what to do next to get through this." and my friend Merjia said that I have a battle spirit to keep forcing myself back so fast after meeting defeat. I love the idea a lot. As in }I am mentally drafting a tattoo of the concept{ like that.

I've been watching Hockey, dreaming of being with Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy, and writing about teen wolf. My brain processes oddly.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So, I've been radio silent for a long time. Lots of thinking about my life and working on things and getting denied and denied and fired and denied and shut down makes you really think. The disillusionment with what it takes to teach, with what you have to do to be ALLOWED to stand in front of a classroom, if thats what I actually want I came to the realization that no. I don't want it bad enough, not the teaching part anyway.

The part of teaching I loved was less actually teaching than those golden moments between myself and students where I actually connected. Helping. I liked *helping*. Particularly counseling students, defusing fights, contacting the right people to get students in abusive situations or violent ones or emotionally difficult ones where they need to be.

I constantly found my hands tied by the rules and regulations because thats not a teacher's job.

That's a social worker's job.

The burn out in both professions is high. But after about 2 months of privately tearing my shit up with 2 trips to NY for teaching fellowships that went nowhere and realizing that my goals were different than the goals of the other candidates around me, I'm redirecting myself.

I'm, uh, applying to various schools for a Masters of Social Work instead. I found out late so there are only a couple still accepting applications but once again I find myself in the "they cant say yes if you dont try." I am trying. At least I can burn out doing what I actually like rather than forcing myself into the box of teacher because I want it to be a good fit. And I did. I did want it to fit. I just dont know that it ever will on a public school level.

I'm working on my statement of purpose now for both the schools I want that are here in easy driving distance. I have a lot to say but my god, organizing my thoughts is hard when its my PURPOSE I'm trying to talk about and not prisonverse Pete/Patrick or gangbang!verse Derek/Stiles.

Aergh. Six pages feels like too much and not enough space. I want to sleep, stay awake, eat, and throw up - all at once.

So no
dancinbutterfly: (Farscape - Save Me -John)
From a middle school - fired.
From the phone sex company - fired.
From a high school I was busting my ass at(I believe because I disclosed that I needed a service dog) - quietly let go in that they cancelled my next day and took me off the schedule.

I just...I dont know.

I'm getting on disability. It is looking more and more like the only way.

Figures

Apr. 22nd, 2014 08:51 am
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
Thank you for your interest in DC Public Schools. Based upon the information you have submitted in your initial online application, our records indicate that you either do not meet the minimum licensure requirements for the Teacher position, or you are otherwise ineligible for hire.


*hysterical laughter* I dont qualify to teach in DC. Oh man so priceless. Im useless everywhere.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
If I dont love it that much I dont fucking care. I'm applying for teaching positions in Washington D.C. Aside from Aunt J being there, my cousin Megan, uncle Steve and his family are there too. Matt is there and Li and Jessica and several other of the friends I made in college are there. Ben from synagogue who I've known my whole life and Daryl and a few other people from shul are too. I'm also fairly sure there are a few of you LJers out there in the DC/Maryland/Virginia area too. There are actual people I know and could spend time with outside of my basement there. It's not NYC but its not the basement.

Praxis is the certification for about 30 states. D.C. is one of them and the only one where people I love are concentrated. So why not? Seriously. I'm applying here in Atlanta. Why not while I'm filling out the paperwork?

I am done crying over a job thats not my dream but I still like it and I can still use it.
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
Dear Rachael,

We appreciate your interest in the New Visions for Public Schools - Hunter College Urban Teacher Residency (UTR) and thank you for attending the interview event.

The admissions process for UTR is extremely competitive and we received a large number of applications for a limited number of spaces in this year's cohort. We are sorry to inform you that you will not be considered for the 2014-2015 Residency. It is our policy that the program does not provide feedback on any parts of the application and interview process.

We wish you the best in your future endeavors.


Sincerely,

The New Visions for Public Schools - Hunter College Teacher Residency Team


Jesus. I'm better off sticking to the writing if I'm going to be getting this kind of rejection from SCHOOLS. I swear its like, if I'm going to face pain and rejection and dismissal and loss of money, fuck it, I'll focus on my words. Teaching was supposed to be the back-up job. Fun fact America, this is why you have a fucking teacher crisis, because you won't hire people unless they meet 100000 points. No one meets them. Then you pay them shit.

I'm serious. I might as well just keep writing this murder story. At least I love that. Substituting is burning out for me more and more as each day passes. I got fired for falling off a curb, face planting on the asphalt - all after hours after the students supposedly had left - and accidentally cursed somewhere between falling and hurting myself that I dont actually remember. That was enough for me to be kicked out halfway through the next day. I'm tired of crying over a job I don't love. The only real money I'm making at the moment is working as a freaking phone sex operator anyway. At least sometimes I get off on that.

Anyway. Looks like I'm settled in for the long haul here in Atlanta. Please god, please, send me a sign that I did the right thing and that I'm following the universal plan. Because I am in the forest and all I can see at the moment are muggy Georgia trees.
dancinbutterfly: (AvengersBlack Widow is HBIC)
I got a 6week position as a long term English sub. I'm taking it as a sign. Money is still an issue regarding this trip so I started a gofundme.com account for this one time. And then I spread it to my account on facebook. :D There's a video and updates and other stuff. Even a single dollar/pound/euro helps and its not a horrible plan eh?


http://www.gofundme.com/7uxo8o

Every cent helps, and if you cant help, spread it around? Maybe someone else can.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
last night [personal profile] rscreighton and I stayed up skyping until 2am just talking and sharing youtube videos

I had the profound feeling of that night being a good one, of being truly genuinely happy. I'm making this post so I dont forget that night happened. I want to be able to look back when things are bad and go "Look. You are capable of bone deep happiness with someone who is becoming a very real part of your family."

part of that happiness - i got unstuck on an original! i'm doing what is basically Double Nano on it. it's a crime story about a series of dead human dolls and the survivor and the cops trying to catch the killer. before you walk away cuz its another tortured cop story - he's INTERPOL, his partner is a Somali woman, his love interest is a woman who is paraplegic, and his ex is a man and dude HUMANS MADE INTO BALL JOINTED DOLLS IN A FORMER SOVIET STATE NOW A PUPPET DEMOCRACY. so. diversity and creepiness and fascist regimes. if you are interested lemme know cuz holy shit i need cheerleaders. i think crime might be my niche. weird hn?

still heartbroken over NY but writing is what I wanted and I think I needed this wake up call to remind me of that fact. teaching is what my mom wants for me. not what i want for me, although I am back to subbing and I love that. I have another part time that will keep me in money over the summer so thats good. and now I wont miss the FOB meet and greet! so silver linings.
dancinbutterfly: (AvengersBlack Widow is HBIC)
If you've been reading this for any time you probably know that I really want to move to NYC. Like - Fucking want it. I have for a long time. Big city, no cars, apartments instead of houses, close quarters, busy lives, lots of Jews, being loud and extreme being a normal thing. This is a thing I want.

When I was in DC with Aunt J I talked to her about how much I wanted to live in New York City and how hard it felt to me, how far away it seemed. She was the first person who looked at me said "If you want it, just make it happen." No qualifiers. No ifs. No whens. Nike commercial style "Just do it." As if no matter how fucked up my brain and finances might be, I can do it if I want it. End of fucking story. There was no question for Aunt J. If I want to do it. Then I'll do it. The end. In this time, less than a week after visiting Aunt J, my sister also came into town - from where she lives in New York City - and gave me the most gutting physical jealousy I have ever felt in my life.

While this was happening, I was also finishing a longterm(two month) asignment in the same classroom and realizing "Holy shit, I legit love regular teaching. I actually love it. Even the grading paper bullshit." Its not being a novelist but I do like it. I come home from having a long-term class with stories and a buzz of I Did Something. It was Real. At the end of the day, my feel like your 8 hours of work werent wasted.

So when I came back from visiting Aunt J and my sister left, I started looking around at what is involved in teaching in NYC. I have been subbing for over a year and I know what I'm doing. I'm GOOD damnit. I've got skills that full time teachers at our title one teachers dont have and teaching is like waiting tables or selling clothes. You can do it everywhere. There's always a need.

What I found was even more amazing. I found something called The NYC Teaching Fellows program. Basically, NYC has high need Title 1 schools(which are where I fucking teach ANYWAY) that are always desperate for teachers so to drum them up, the city has created a program to get non-education majors certified as teachers and by the end of three-to-five years, a master degree subsidized by the city for the most part. It's specifically for people who DO NOT have education degrees(like me) but have training in needed areas like middle and high school English(like me). The program starts in June of this year and lasts, well, years. Job wise, 96% of fellows have a fulltime teaching job by the first day of school after summer training. Starting pay in NYC Public schools is in the neighborhood of 45K, after taxes that's still 35K which is not living rich in NY but its not living on ramen noodles either.

So you apply and write your personal statements. Once that is done you hit send then you sit back and wait because they will get back to you in 4 business weeks. Their policy is they will get to you "whether you get an interview or not at that time." which I think is damn decent of them to be honest rather than just letting people.

Yeah. They got back to me in 7 business days asking my preference for a phone interview. The percent of applicants who get a phone interview? 3,000 out 7,500 - so 40% which means I'm part of their top 40% already.

The interview was this morning. With my meds as fucked up as they are I medicated the shit out of myself and then just...went for it. I had a solid answer for every fucking question that came from a real life experience I had, no joke. The few questions that were theoretical? I am pretty sure I nailed. I actually used metaphor of an explanation for why yes, there should be an equal yet adjusted standard of academic achievement in the expectations of low income low parental involvement area schools to high income high parental area by heavily paraphrasing theory I got from a brilliant tumblr essay I read nearly a year ago. (I'm in the process of writing the original author a gushing thank you note btw.)

I hit out of the fucking park. If they don't call me back for round three, they're idiots. If you know me at all, you know my self-esteem is shit so when I say that, you know how well I know the subject material I was interviewed on.

So, Aunt J - how is that for going for it? You said I could. I am. I've done all the steps I can so far and if this doesn't work then I'll try something else but you're right. You are right. Thank you for believing in me and making me feel like an adult with my OWN FUTURE when no one else did. You are the reason I got this far with this. I love you so much - not for being a shoulder to cry on but for being a hand giving me shove between the shoulders that said "Go ahead, you're not a kid." I love you for other things too but I've made real steps all on my own and I went looking for the stairs because of you.

(The med situation is still in painful flux. Like, ugh, not good, but I dont want to dwell on the bad when this great thing happened today. It was too good.)
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
TIME TO GO BACK TO MY PSYCHIATRIST. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE COCKTAIL.

I dont know what exactly but there is something wrong. I'm using my anti-anxiety meds more regularly than I ever have. The cocktail is not right. I need to go back to work. My mom needs me to. I can't. I do not trust myself around children. I don't trust myself around anything more than house work. Sustained illness triggered my PTSD and the storm locked it in the on position I think. Hypervigilance, right Teen Wolf fandom?

Today I found out the test I took to qualify me to teach middle grades english was the wrong one. There are 2 - one that is state specific and one called the PRAXIS both of which function out of the same website ETS.ORG. The sign up webpages look exactly the same. The tests are given at the same center. The cost is the same. They are proctored by the same company and use the same log-in. Both offer middle grades language arts qualification exams. The difference is that PRAXIS covers qualification for 30 but is Georgia not one of them. I took the wrong one - guess how that happened (I'll give you a hint - three days of figuring and refiguring out how the website works and my payments not going through twice are part of it)

Bottom line: I took a test that is absolutely. Freaking. Useless. I cant take the actual GACE for my subjects until MARCH. I dont know exactly how I'm supposed to apply for Middle School English jobs when I dont have the qualifications. Its a mystery.

It's a last push that I can't actually handle when combined with my anxiety. I do not trust myself with the care and supervision of students. That's the point of why I took substituting. I needed to be able to have the freedom to get my shit together when things were unbalanced so that's what I'm going to do.

Sally fucking forth I guess.
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
I promised a personal update so here it is. The last post Yuletide was full of frustration and despair. It was hard earned, damnit but a lot happened very fast after that that turned the tide. Most importantly, while scrolling for work I found a long term(two week) position at a middle school teaching science. I knew nothing about what it would me, less about what I was getting myself into and even less about what the actual subject would be - forensic science(FOR FRIGGIN MIDDLE SCHOOLERS - so in appropriate). However what would've been 2 weeks actually turned into 2 months. I was in the same classroom every day, getting to know these kids and more this school and ugh, I fell in love in that tentative way you do when there is an end date on a relationship. It actually reminded me a little of Paul - the way we fell hard and fast but knew it couldn't last. After all they were hiring someone for my position.

I made a difference here, a visible one too - I had two students who were getting written up regularly stop for the entire length of my time with them and an English as a Second Language student start reading on his own initiative thanks to my work. I got hugs and drawings and waterbottles designed with art.

I get along well with the staff who wanted my resume and to know when I tested for middle grades. That was all great but winter holidays fast approached and I was stressed. Luckily I had a break where I got to go see my Aunt J which was just what I needed. She is the awesomest of awesome with the most amazing guestroom in the most amazing corner of DC and we had food worth literally dying over. I have pictures. I cant upload them now but they were ridiculous. Unfortunately I had to come back and face the fact that the last day of classes was my last day as a long term. At least I was invited to be a standing sub at the school.

However, I came back today to find that no, I'm not a standing floater sub. I am not bouncing from room to room. I am in an empty classroom all my own standing in as a long-term sub again and this time I'm doing so for a Language Arts connections teacher. Connections is basically an elective and I have no idea how long she'll be gone but as it stands right now I basically have 6 classes of less than 20 students who are remedial at English - basically not good at the subject. So it is my job to just...immerse them in English reading and writing to try and bring them up to speed, with exposure basically.

Yeah. I may actually cry. Today we went through their favorite book, lists of topics they wanted to discuss, and I had them write me a story. "About anything?" "Yes anything" "Can it be a true story?" "Yes." "Can we make something up?" "Yes." "Can it be what happened over break?" "Yes." "Can it be about unicorns?" "Yes." Ugh it was great. They dont know what to do with that kind of creative freedom. Its like...alien to them. Well, get ready to have your fuzzy little brains blown kids because in Ms Rachael's class we're going to squeeze the creativity out of you whether you want it or not and you will write. You will write every frigging day so help you. You will do prompted writes and you will do free writes and then you will read and you may hate it but you will do it all and I will make you love it even if you hate it.

Also - this is a pretty big deal as far as I'm aware. To get two longterm positions back to back at the same school is fairly significant. I test for English certification for middle grades Monday.

The less great things have been the living situation. Mom is infantalizing me a little and its starting to get to me. However being back at work is helping that. Worst of all, my sister Hillary was in town. From New York City. Where she lives. She felt the need to tell us all about her life in the place I want to live like air. The jealousy was a tactile tangible thing and it hurt actually physically to be in the same space with her. Worse, we got in a fight so bad that she took the gift I got her - a tablet, yeah you read that right - and threw it back at me after having it for a week and said "fine take it back then." then she stomped out before stomping back in with the box for the tablet which she threw at me and it hit me in the shoulder. She left with said tablet and didnt apologize.

So I guess you can't win them all? I'm throwing up one of those subject a day memes later because I want to get back in the habit of posting. Please please think of something to have me talk about! I need to get back in the groove because Tumblr is a horribly lonely place. I have 320 followers but no one fucking says anything! Its miserable. I like it better here.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So I took a job that was a 4 day assignment in 1 classroom. Dream for a substitute. I was so excited. I got up this morning ready to work. I didnt sleep well last night but I thought - thats okay. This is my group. They'll be easy to work with - I know them now. Then I get to the school. And suddenly the sub coordinator is telling me there's been a "switch". EXCUSE ME? Yeah so now - I'm in 6 different classrooms with no break. I just got pulled out to speak to an AP because my first class was so bad they brought me to tears and she was like "thats the nature of a sub. thats the nature of a sub." and you know what? No.

I can't say that to her but no. That's actually not the nature of a sub. I booked a job. The job was for one thing as asked for by your institution. This morning you hit me with another zero warning at a school where I lack my reputation. That is crucial.

There are schools where getting a bouncing day would suck but it would be okay because students know me. They've heard of me. They know what I can and will do if they push me. This school is not one of them. This is my first week teaching here and they bounced me. Doing this shit to me makes me want to Never Want To Teach At Your School Again. Do they realize this? Do they understand how removes my faith in the establishment of the school? Because now I can't trust you. Now you're a shifty motherfucker who I can't rely on. Why would I come back when there are other places that would treat me better?

I wonder if they consider that. I really do.

Meanwhile, I'm going to pack up my shit and get ready to move to room number 2/6. Joy.

I hate everything right now.

My mom is freaking out about how much taxes she has so I need to work full time because I'm cut off again. Man, its been whole months since I was cut off. That never gets old. And then she'll suggest I do or get something like "NY&Co is having a sale on shirts" and I'm like "I'm not going to spend my money on that." and she's like "Well they're only 5 bucks." and i'm like "Gas is 3 dollars a gallon and you're only paying for my psych meds." and she's like "Oh." Yeah fucking oh.

So good by focusing on writing. I no longer have the ENERGY for it. For anything come to that. I come home and pass out after work. Literally. I slept from 4pm to 6am. Then from 3pm to 10pm to watch American Horror Story then from 11pm to 6am.

On top of that did I mention that I'm supposed to be more social? I am. I'm supposed to Go Out and Make Friends with Real People. This is a mandate from my counselor because I really do need it for my mental health but jesus christ when? No seriously, when? There are things I want to do on weeknights but I think about leaving the house on a weeknight and even if I can get over the anxiety(maximum allowed dose of my meds) the prospect of expending the energy is impossible. How can I do that? How? It's a drive to get there. Then I have to mingle. Then I have to get back, shower, get ready for bed all of which shaves time I could've spent sleeping so I dont wake up too tired to function.

For fuck's sake I cant even stay awake to do the things AT HOME I want to do. I'm downloading TV to watch because I'm too tired after an 8 hour day to watch them live. There's a Penguins versus Flyers game tonight - only the biggest rivalry these teams have - and I know already I'm not going to be able to make it after this day. Not with how much I've already felt the need to cry today.

I dont know what to do. I was so close. I was SO CLOSE to getting what I wanted career wise. I was writing and it was becoming something concrete. It was starting to count as a job. Now, suddenly, it doesn't. Now its slipping away from me and all I can see is a future filled with retail or grading papers. The prospect makes me want to curl up in a ball and never unfurl.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
So, the book review at Paste magazine didnt happen. However? The guy who is the book editor for the mag? He is from Mobile, the town over from Pensacola(I swear to god) and he's now based here in in the ATL. He called me Special K(for my last name and which is hilarious, by far the Best Nickname I have ever been dubbed) and said that while his schedule is crazy for now as he's got a book tour himself coming up, he invited me to the launch here in town next week so we could face to face said "Thank you for your generous spirit and open mind. We'll work together." which is a very large compliment as far as I'm concerned. The generous spirit and open mind thing. I get the "You're a very smart person" as a compliment/defining character trait a lot but I work really hard to be kind/good to my fellow humans in my daily life and its nice to have that aspect seen. The -We'll work together- thing was heartening too because it wasn't an if or a but - it was a definite. He's been excellent on his follow through and I actually think that I can rely on him to follow through on his side so long as I am diligent in reaching out. So, while I didn't get a piece published with Paste Magazine, he encouraged me to keep trying with them and even to keep trying with them. More significantly, I did get what seems to be a possible mentor which I think is going to be FAR more valuable.
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
Who would you contact besides Entertainment Weekly with a TV Show Scoop?

*_____*

Sep. 17th, 2013 07:31 pm
dancinbutterfly: (Gone With The Wind)
Remember that time I wrote up an article a day before a premiere it got referenced by Variety? Yeah, I got to interview through that same pr firm with a person because who's amazing and a male feminist and smart and savvy and awesome and they divulged some stuff I cant talk about in an interview closing out some previously discussed content and it led around to content that - you guys its big. It's like - EW and TVLine each have about a two sentence paragraph about what I have a nearly 10 minute interview about. Yeah. I'm calling some people, on the phone, tomorrow because EXCLUSIVE doesnt touch the tip of the iceburg here. We're talking the 2014 Fall Pilot Season. If someone buys the content I have its going to make a ridiculous She's Just Asking For It.

So. Fingers Crossed.

ALSO! HERE IS THE LINK TO THE OFFICIAL ITUNES THREAD FOR THE PODCAST! WOO!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/shes-just-asking-for-it/id708971376
dancinbutterfly: (Venture Bros. - Problem)
*clears throat* Um, would anyone be willing to webhost my podcast audio files and the XML it needs to, like....exist? Just for a little while? While I set things up? OMG this should be so hard. That said, its going to be awesome when I do get it all the way up. A friend made me the most incendiary cover ever. Argh, I am afraid the site wont live up to the cover - it is that great.

Seriously though, who the hell knew that POSTING the podcast would be the hard part?
dancinbutterfly: (Default)
I'm now a paid writer. It's only 25 dollars but it counts. The article is posted and I'm now published on two different legitimate news websites. I'm officially a freelance journalist. TAKE THAT EVERY PERSON WHO EVER SAID TO ME "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH A DEGREE IN WRITING-TEACH?"

No, asshole. I'm going to use my degree in writing to write.
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
So. I have been throwing out pitches like a major leaguer on a no-hitter and something happened today. I sent one out this morning. Fifteen minutes later I got a response from the editor. It said this:

Good morning. Happy Monday.

Will you send some writing samples, particularly the review you mentioned? I’ll give this consideration.

Best wishes,

[redacted]
Books Editor



Okay.Okay be cool. Be cool. You can do this. So I emailed him back. Offered him a few options. In response I got this.

Yes, all. Rachel’s greatest hits, please.


Okay. Right. I can do this. So I thoughtfully pick out something funny, something serious, and something that toes the line and touches NEAR the subject matter I'm pitching (which involves teen culture and media interpretation). Seems good. Okay.

Sixty seconds later,this comes in.
Hi. Got this and will review this week, back with you next. Thanks.


A week? Thats it? I have to wait a week? Thats so short! THATS SO LONG! OH MY GOD! AH!

SO! Basically:



(many gifs because words dont cut it)
dancinbutterfly: (Clone High -Life gives you Lemons)
Today I did two things that are a big deal.

1)I turned in a review of a tv show that acts as an audition piece for a website that will pay me to do what i do for free at my other site. I get $25 for this if they like it or not so its technically my first working gig whether it gets published or not(because I was already a published writer, now having been payed, even that paltry amount, I can call myself a working writer). If you pray, pray they like it.If you dont pray, send The Force or your will in the direction of the person reading it that they want me to write for them. Sending it at all today was abig deal. If they like it that would be a bigger deal.

2)I went to a movie today. With a new friend. Considering my severe isolationism this is a huge fucking deal. Huge. Possibly bigger than the writing - because I honestly have enough self confidence to believe that the writing will break through one way or another at some point. The friendship and meeting new people? Not so much. I met the guy on OKCupid where he basically approached me saying that my profile pretty much made me a no-go romantic wise but that I seemed really cool and hey, wanna hang out and be friends? Two weeks of emailing back and forth the conclusion was that we seem to like the same shit and hes possibly the only other hockey fan in Atlanta so we should hang out as friends and we did. It was fun. We will probably do it again. It's just...nice. To have a possible new friend. Its been a very long time since that happened.

So. Stuff!
dancinbutterfly: (FOB - Pete/Patrick)
So. You know that massive BDSM epic I wrote ages ago? Back before Fifty Shades made that shit cool. It had a kitschy as lyric title. You might remember it - I Know This Hurts(It Was Meant To).

Well, um, I'm taking it down. Yeah. You heard me. It's coming down. "But why?" Because of EL fucking James can get rich off of Twatlight BDSM then I can try and sell GOOD bandom BDSM thats why. So yeah, Also I'm going to most likely be revamping huge chunks of it for gender. And possibly bringing in characters that were once MCR and Panic, changing them into new and different people who are not in fact MCR and Panic, and making them more prevalent as bigger characters and world-building on a scale thats large enough to possibly sustain a bandom-inspired but not using those people anymore set of stories. Because its time to fucking move on and I learned a lot about how band culture works and I think I'm ready to write some shit and I Know This Hurts is a good place to start because BDSM is selling and I'm ready.

You have until Yom Kippur to DL I Know This Hurts to your harddrives/kindles/ipads/what have you. Go for it. Podficcers -if you would like to podfic it - now is the time to do that. Get in touch with me and we'll talk about archiving and how that would work because if someone has been like...sitting on doing it - I wouldnt anymore. The text will be gone from the internet when 5774 rolls around. I'm done you guys. I'm still doing fanfic but I'm ready to write MY stories, you know?

If I'm going to be alone all the time, I might as well be alone creating something.

So if you want it, go get it. It's all yours. Just, please, DO NOT REPOST IT!

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